Black Friday; Think 2ce Before You Agree To Go With Me

I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE Black Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Under ONE condition.  Okay, TWO conditions.  CRAP…THREE conditions.  NO WAIT, FOUR, FOUR WONDERFUL CONDITIONS, AH HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!

(You were supposed to say that in the Count’s voice.  If you didn’t do that, please go read it again only properly this time).

The four conditions are:

#1) A cup of coffee larger than the size of  my bladder and hotter than magma is  A MUST!!!

#2) No jackets allowed!!!  I will freeze my t*ts off but I hate wearing jackets in the stores.

#3)  ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (and this actually should be number 2) LOOKING AT ADS PRIOR TO BLACK FRIDAY BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS ON SALE ONLY TO HAVE IT BE GONE WHEN I GET THERE OR HAVE TO TURN INTO ROCKY BALBOA OVER A BLENDER.  Yo, Adrian!!!!

#4) No cart, no shopping!!!  I refuse to look like this in the store!

From left, Cheryl Hodyna and her daughter, Amanda May try to carry all of there purchases at Kohl’s on Black Friday morning. (Press Photo/Hollyn Johnson)

#5) I know I said I have four conditions.  Just accept that I lied and move on.  #5)  No, I won’t hold your stuff!!!  If I won’t hold my own crap, what makes you think I will hold yours??

#6) This kind of goes without saying but I must have money!!!!!  I really don’t understand why people go shopping on Black Friday with only $7.53 to their name.  You people are insane.  Go back to bed!!!

#7)  I do NOT wait in lines to ENTER THE STORE as if I am waiting to meet….oh….I don’t know.  Who would I wait THAT LONG in line to meet?  Jesus Christ.  That is about it.  He is so good and so hot (according to rumors anyway).  So yeah, I will not wait in line to enter a store unless Jesus Christ or Our Almighty Father is inside the store.  And nooooo I don’t mean in spirit…I mean in flesh and blood….or at least in a huge brighter-than-the-sun-but-somehow-I-can-still-look-at-it-without-burning-my-retinas flaming ball somewhere between the Starbucks and the bathrooms.  NOT near the electronics because you never go near the electronics on Black Friday!!  Which leads me to condition #8…

#8)  Stay the heck away from the electronics on Black Friday!  Unless I am one of the first 10 people in the store (and that will never happen.  Refer to #7), I stand NO chance at getting an IPod for 75 cents.  And even if I did….I would rather pay full price AND stick toothpicks in my eyes to avoid standing in the electronics line!!!!

#9)  If you want to go Black Friday shopping with me, PLAN ON WAITING IN LINE (for the register) FOR 2 HOURS AND DON’T BITCH ABOUT HOW PACKED THE STORE IS OR HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO WAIT!  I don’t care how many times I warn people that the stores will be standing-room only and the wait will be insane yet they still have the nerve to look surprised and worse, ruin my fun by complaining the whole time!!

And #10) and this should be #1…yes, even before the coffee…THIS is NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE!!!!!

Image taken from http://theeconomiccollapseblog.com

IT IS JUST STUFF, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER SEE ANYONE KNOCK OVER AN ELDERLY PERSON SO YOU CAN GET 10 BUCKS OFF OF A STOCK POT, YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN’T DONE THAT!!!

How about you?  Do you go shopping on Black Friday and if so, do you have your own rules?