My 6th Sense Is Pissing Me Off

This is a re-post of my post from 11 days ago.  Were yesterday’s events related to my feelings?  Or is there another event on the way?  I can’t help but wonder.

I believe that we all have a 6th Sense and mine is incredibly keen.  It is located somewhere between my gut and wherever my spirituality resides.  I think that is my heart.  So, somewhere in a tangled bowel lies my keen, and often stinky, 6th Sense.  Right now, it reeks!!

I realized I had a 6th Sense when I was about 12 years old.  I was home one evening and I had a very strong feeling that I needed to call a friend NOW because I just felt that she was in a lot of pain.  I called her house and her mom answered the phone.  When my friend got on the phone, she was already (and still) crying.  My reaction was mixed.  Part of me was like, “I knew she was terribly sad.  I am not at all surprised.”  Another part of me was all, “WTF just happened???”  (Only back in 1984 we actually spoke and spelled out the entire phrase; no text codes.)  I was relieved that I acted upon my strong feelings that she needed me to call her.  I was sad that she was so sad.  I was amazed that I KNEW something was wrong with nothing to go on other than a gut feeling.  But mostly, I was freaked out.  I wondered if I had some sort of telepathy.  I finally decided that it was just luck and I didn’t give it another thought.  Until…

About a few years later, I had this weird thought about the same friend.  ”My friend is going to tell me something bad happened to her.”  In fact, my thought was very precise.  To protect the innocent, I won’t disclose the details but I knew exactly what she was going to say happened even though I had absolutely NO way of having a clue that this thing happened.  Sure enough, when we saw each other next, she said to me, “I have to tell you something.”  I almost told her that she didn’t have to tell me and that I knew but I stayed quiet.  If I was wrong, it would have been incredibly embarrassing for both of us.  I wasn’t wrong though; I was dead-on accurate.  And again, I was freaked out.  Not by what she disclosed but by the fact that I knew it before she told me.  I decided that for whatever reason, I had such a strong connection with this friend that whenever she was really hurting, we connected via some sort of energy in the air.  I know it seems strange.  It seemed incredibly strange to me but it had to be the case as far as I was concerned.

Ever since then, I have had similar situations with different people; people that I feel very close to and even one person who I considered to be a friend but not a very close friend.

One morning while I was sleeping, I heard the phone ring.  My husband answered it and I heard him say, “Oh my God.  I am so sorry.  Of course I will tell her for you.”  He hung up the phone and I said to my husband, “You don’t need to tell me; I know.”  He said, “You know what?”  I answered that I knew that my friend just called to tell me that her baby just died.  He asked me how I knew and all I could say was, “I just did.”  This time, I was completely heartbroken and devastated.  I loved that baby as if he were my own.  I had no way of knowing that this would happen as it was sudden and unexpected.  I was instantly in a deep and painful mourning but I wasn’t freaked out that I knew before he told me.  I guess I had accepted that these things just come to me sometimes.

I started to think it is God telling me these things in order to either make me available to someone in need or to prepare me for something painful to come.

By now, I am guessing that you think I am whacked.  Believe me, I understand.  But wait.  There’s more and it gets even crazier!!

One day, I went to the firehouse to hang out and run calls.  A friend of mine (a fellow firefighter) was there.  I knew he was there because his truck was in the parking lot but when I went inside, I couldn’t find him.  I immediately got scared.  I looked in the kitchen, the lounge, the radio room, and the apparatus bay.  Still no sign of him.  I told myself that I needed to check the bathroom but before I did, I prepared myself for what steps I would take if (when?) I found him dead.  I would run to the radio room, call the dispatcher to activate our tones so that help would come.  Then I would grab the medical bag and AED out of the ambulance and get to work.  I was just about to knock on the door to the men’s room when I noticed the light in the meeting room on.  I went in there and found him doing work.  I screamed at him that he scared the shit out of me and that I thought he was dead in the bathroom.  We had a good laugh over how ridiculous that was.  4 weeks later, we got an ambulance call for a male found unresponsive, not breathing, no pulse and before the dispatcher even gave the address, I knew it was the same person I thought I would find dead at the firehouse.  He was dead before we got there and there was nothing we could do for him.

This convinced me that God does indeed prepare me for something bad that is about to happen.

About 7 years ago, I started losing my hair and I had really itchy skin lesions on my chest.  I made an appointment with a Dermatologist.  When I walked in the office for the first time, the doctor asked me what was wrong.  I told her, “I have Lupus.”  She asked me if I was diagnosed with it and I said that I wasn’t but I JUST KNOW.  She told me it wasn’t Lupus and did a skin test to determine what I was allergic to.  It turned out that I was allergic to an ingredient in my shampoo.  ”See?  It is just allergies.  You are going to be okay.”  4 years later, I was diagnosed with Lupus.

And for my last anecdotal account of my past messages from I-don’t-know-where-or-who-but-believe-it-is-God, shortly after I was diagnosed with Lupus, I went to visit my sister.  She didn’t feel good and she was doubled over in pain.  I told her she needed to get to the doctor right away because usually when I see people who look like that, they are in an ambulance on the way to the ED.  I told her that it seemed like she had kidney stones.  She went to the doctor and she did have kidney stones.  About two weeks later (ish), I was sitting in bed and I thought to myself, “I think my sister has cancer.”  She called me later that day and told me she was diagnosed with cancer.  I almost reflexively said, “I know” but I stopped myself because I didn’t want to upset her more.

So why did I just spend so much time telling you all of that?  Because…here I go again!!  Only this time, it is about me and needless to say, I am a bit freaked out.

Lately, and I don’t know why (but I am terrified that I really DO know why), I have been having this incredibly strong feeling that I am going to die soon.  These thoughts have been coming to me since about September.  I am not thinking that I want to die because I don’t!!! These thoughts are not suicidal ideations, they seem more like informational.  Whenever these thoughts come to mind, sometimes I allow them to stay and mull it over a bit and other times, I ask myself, “Why the hell are you thinking this way, Nicki?  Stop it!”

About a month after I started having these thoughts, I found a lump in my breast.  I immediately freaked out but then decided that since it was that lovely time of the month and I always feel something that turns out to be nothing, I needn’t panic yet.  3 weeks later, I checked again and it was still there.  I called the doctor the next day and the day after that, he checked me over and felt it too.  He told me that he thought it was a cyst but he ordered a mammogram and ultrasound, which I had done today.  I can’t tell you how terrified I was to see a big black spot on the ultrasound monitor when the technician moved the wand over the “lump area.”  All I could think of was, “How am I supposed to take an exam on Monday when I have cancer??”  The doctor came in and told me that he believes it is a benign cyst.  He said, “We define this as a mass that requires observation.”  He said that I do not need a biopsy right now.  I need to check it at least monthly and if I notice any changes at all, I am to get further testing done right away.  If there are no changes, he wants another mammogram and ultrasound in 6 months.  I left there feeling relieved and still scared at the same time.  My husband reassured me that if this doctor had any thoughts that it was cancer, he would have sent me for more tests.  I know he is right.

But why am I still thinking that I am going to die soon???  God, please don’t let this be another one of Your messages.  Although I consider it a gift at times, I really want to be wrong just this once!!!