Drowning
Lupus flare ups,
Broken backs,
Behind in school,
Mom, I have a bowling match!
Legal advice,
3 days of training,
Exams to study for
My strength is straining.
Keep telling myself
You won’t break!
Just 2 more weeks
For Christ sake!
And just when I think
I can get over this hump,
I feel the dreaded…
There’s a lump.
Doctor’s visit,
Mammogram set,
Blood pressure at
Its highest point yet.
I want to cry
But I have no time
To do much more
Than this fucking rhyme
October 29th
I have so much to do for school this week. A class presentation and a mid-term today, readings for today and Wednesday. Write-up of my intake interview I conducted with my “mock” client. A paper due in a week that I haven’t even begun to think about. Wait. That is not true. I have thought about it so much and, dreading it, I keep pushing it out of my mind. Until the next time the thought comes up.
I keep thinking of ways to occupy myself to avoid working on school stuff to alleviate the anxiety that accompanies my school to-do list. As we psychology geeks say, good ol’ negative reinforcement for procrastination!
I decided to give this whole situation some thought. WHY am I so anxious over all of this? WHY is it so hard for me to focus this time around? It kept coming back to that damned paper that I am terrified to write. And why am I so terrified? Because of the stupid APA format. I suck at APA and that alone has me not wanting to even think about the paper.
But WHY am I letting that get to me so much? I haven’t in the past. I have tackled everything head-on in the past so why am I cowardly avoiding it now?
Maybe it has to do with the physical pain I have been in for about 3 weeks now. The Lupus is out of control. I have new skin lesions all over, my skin itches all the time, even where there are no lesions, and my joints! They say that the human body has approximately 360 joints in total. I am not sure how accurate that number is but I am sure that however many joints there are in my body, I am feeling all of them right now. And the fatigue! Don’t get me started on the fatigue!
But I wasn’t sold that Lupus is the reason I am so unfocused today. And after realizing what day today is, I realized I was right. It is more than the Lupus (and the APA for that matter). Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
This day didn’t creep up on me like it has in the past. I have been saying for weeks now, “I have a class presentation and a mid-term on the anniversary of my mother’s death.” But I have said those words without the emotional affect that October 29th brings because until now, it wasn’t October 29th.
My Mom
My mother died 6 years ago today. I don’t care what time limits the fucking DSM-IV-TR places on grieving before it is no longer considered grieving and instead, considered depression. (The answer is 2 months. Yes, after 61 days, if you are still grieving, you are considered disordered). The fact of the matter is that I am NOT depressed (and no, I am not in denial about my depression so don’t go there) but I AM still grieving the loss of my mother.
Right now, in my mind, I am sitting on her hospital bed with my head on her chest. I can feel her body getting colder by the second but it feels so good to finally be able to put all of my weight on her without hurting her. And I am so sad and so angry at the same time. I never got to tell my mother all the private things we get to say to people in those moments before they die. I planned to and I know she would have heard and understood it all because she was completely lucid right up until she died. I was visiting her at the hospital with my sister-in-law. My plan was to take my sister-in-law home, get my pillow and blankets and go back to the hospital for some alone time with my mom. I selfishly didn’t share that plan with anyone because I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her, that I am sorry for all the times I didn’t visit her when I should have, and tell her that it is okay to go. That I was so proud of how strong she had been. I asked my mother if she was in pain. She said, “No, but I am so cold.” I gave her another blanket and kissed her head and told her I loved her. She said, “I love you too.” I whispered to her that I would be back in a little bit. She said, “Okay.”
She died 20 minutes after I left the hospital. I was so angry with her for dying without me there. I was so angry at myself for leaving. I should have stayed. My sister told me that if I stayed, Mom would have waited until I went to the bathroom or something to die. She is probably right. Then I got angry at my mom for being selfish that way. I wish she knew how much I needed to be with her at that moment. I wish I recognized that she had Cheyne-Stokes Breathing before I left. Thinking back, I did recognize her breathing pattern had changed but I didn’t name the pattern or make the inference of what that pattern meant. How could I have missed that?? I recognize it in my patients but I didn’t in my mom. I guess that is what happens when the person is so close to you. You don’t look at things objectively. You don’t say to yourself, “She has Cheyne-Stokes Breathing. The end is very close. I better stay.” I understand that but understanding doesn’t make me any less pissed off at myself for failing to connect the dots (or the gasps in this case).
I am not quite sure how the rest of today will pan out but I do know some things. I know I will get through my presentation just fine. I know I will have moments when I will forget what day today is. I know I will take my mid-term and not give a shit about the grade. Until tomorrow when it is no longer October 29th; then I know I will worry about the grade as I always do. I know my mom knows what I am still struggling with. I know that she is doing everything she can to take the pain away from me. And I know that the DSM-IV-TR doesn’t have a clue about grieving and I know it can go fuck itself.
I Can’t Forget, Don’t Want To Forget, I Won’t Forget
As I sit at my computer and force myself to watch footage from the inhumanity, injustice, and cowardly acts of terrorism that rocked our nation 11 years ago, I am wiping tears from my eyes and fighting to keep the vomit in my throat from coming out of my mouth. Americans said we wouldn’t forget and we haven’t. At least I haven’t. There were times when I thought maybe I was starting to because as time passed, I could think back to that day without as much emotion as I felt in times past. But after watching this video today, I clearly have not forgotten. Every visceral reaction I had on that day, I have again right now. I am numb and yet I feel so much. My coffee tastes like shit and the half of a protein bar I had for breakfast is fighting to come back out of my body. I feel so much sadness and loss and even anger all over again. The only difference today is that I don’t feel fear. I am not afraid today but oh God, how I remember the fear I felt at about 8:45am on 9/11/01.
And just as my mother never forgot that she was hanging clothes on a line when Kennedy was shot, I will never forget what I was doing when those animals tried to destroy our nation and took so many innocent lives.
I had just sent my daughter to the bus stop. My fire department pager went off for an EMS job for my neighbor who had fallen. I remember being so scared for him because he was disoriented. I remember walking back into the house and telling my husband that I was scared for our neighbor and my husband responded with words that seemed to wipe THAT fear away immediately.
“Go watch the television.”
As I watched, the only thing I wanted to do was get in my car and bring my baby girl home from school and hold her and her 3 year old brother in my arms and never let them go. My husband convinced me that leaving her at school would be best. That bringing her home would only scare her. I agreed and I left her there and hugged my son as much as he would allow. When she got off the bus that afternoon, I cried all over again.
What were you doing when you heard or witnessed the news? Share if you would like!
My Top Ten Rants Of The Week
#10: If you walk past that receipt on the floor one more time without picking it up, you will eat it for dinner.
#9: As surprising as this may seem, you really don’t HAVE to wait until I turn into Medusa having a conniption in order to empty the dishwasher and clean your dishes in the sink. I am sorry if I somehow confused you on this point.
#8: Remember when I said my husband works 12 hours/day in a shop that is about 100 degrees and then you said, “Well IIIII stare at a computer for 8 hours a day!!!” Yea, HOW IS IT THAT YOU BELIEVE THERE IS ANY COMPARISON HERE?
#7: Why do I have to get my period just before I am about to do a final “My 4 Week (Not Weight-Loss) Challenge” post?? That post will be put off some more (I bet this whole post is making sense to you now)!
#6: Stop saying that this whole post is because I have my period or I will punch you in the face!
#5: Dear MVP, I received your letter stating that my MRI was denied…after I was told by the imaging group and my doctors office that it was approved. Please let me know if it was really denied so I can go UNdo the test.
#4: My opposition to the Healthcare “Reform” has NOTHING to do with me being a cold-hearted bitch and not wanting people to be healthy.
A cheap shot and a stupid one at that.
#3: Dear Husband, why do you leave my truck smelling like McDonald’s french fries when I am on a diet? I don’t leave your car smelling like sex when you aren’t getting any!! Let’s be fair now!
#2: Apparently it also ensures that you will judge people of all religions as being stupid or ignorant. The irony here is hysterical.
And the #1 rant of the week: When you insult me with your political and religious comments, you are exercising your American right to free speech but when I share my strong views, you call me out on my unChristian ways. I am sick and tired of Christians being told that they are acting unChristian-like when they voice the things we are passionate about. GET A NEW DEFENSE ALREADY PEOPLE!!! Maybe if you took the time to learn a little more about Christianity, you would know that Christians are not perfect and just like any parent, God knows His children are not perfect yet He loves us just the same!
God Hear My Prayer
Dear God,
I pray that You make Your presence incredibly obvious to these families and friends during this tragic time. God, please be with the emergency responders as they work through the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings they experienced and will continue to experience for a very long time. I pray that everyone will feel a sense of peace soon. God, thank you for keeping my own children safe while they were at the midnight showing of this movie here in our town.
In Jesus’s Holy name,
Amen
James Holmes, may God have mercy on your soul.
OMG…We Did It Again!!
First, read my last post HERE if you didn’t already. If you don’t, this post will not make any sense to you at all.
Meg and I pulled into Maria’s parking lot and it was empty!!!! Again!! And again, we sat in the parking lot staring at the closed sign as if looking at it long enough would cause the whole situation to not be true. This time we yelled at the dark building, “It is the 4th of July week, not Cinco De Mayo!! Why do you need a vacation??!!” A man dressed in a maintenance uniform walked in the parking lot. We yelled out the window, “Do you have the keys to Maria’s? I am sure there is something in the fridge for us to eat!” Another car pulled in, slowed down, then left. They never stopped the car. They never cried. They didn’t even have a look of disbelief in their faces. I said, “Wow. They took that well. We must learn from them.” Meg said, “They just needed a parking lot to turn around in. There is no way they took it that well if they wanted to eat here.” She is always right.
We stayed in the parking lot until the end of the Culture Club song. At least we had George! Don’t judge us!
Then we went to a Chinese Restaurant. I ordered the Lucky Family and Fried Rice with (you guessed it) a side of Holy Moly and a beef burrito enchilada style.
Holy Moly with Guacamole and pomarita from the last time I went to my happy place. I’ll be back for you soon! Wait for me!!!
Busy Izzy
This is Izzy.
Izzy is a Standard Poodle.
Her given name is Isabella and we planned on calling her Bella.
After 5 minutes with her we realized she must be called Izzy
Izzy is crazy!
Izzy has way more energy than she has grace, balance, or form.
She crashes into things. A lot.
She slides down stairs and she falls up them.
She runs into trees, walls and steps.
And occasionally, she gets a boo boo.
After all, she IS Busy Izzy.
Last Friday, she was running in the back yard and somehow, sliced her toe pad open.
This isn’t Izzy’s pad. (Image credit: http://www.dobermantalk.com/doberman-health/35915-cut-paw-pad.html). Izzy’s pad was slightly less severe than this but looked very similar.
I bandaged her foot like a pro.
I decided to see if it would heal on its own before rushing her to the vet.
It didn’t.
She got stitches. The vet wanted me to put The Cone of Shame on her but I didn’t have the heart.
After a few days I decided to follow the doctor’s advice and let the foot get some air.
The bandage came off and her mouth was on the wound as if it were a fresh steak.
On went The cone of Shame
She was NOT happy with me AT ALL.
Five minutes later, she got the cone off.
I re-bandaged her foot and left the cone off.
When it was time to change the bandage, I noticed that the bandage had irritated the side of her foot.
It definitely needed some air but she started biting at it.
Cone of Shame back on only THIS time, Mommy’s not fucking around, Izzy! You WILL keep this on!
And she did.
For 24 hours.
During that 24 hours, she crashed into the walls about 400 times.
She knocked over the kitchen chairs and the garbage can.
She absolutely refused to go potty.
She tried cuddling me the entire time which meant that the Cone of Shame was up my ass most of the time.
She figured out how to lick her foot with The Cone of Shame on.
She fell off my bed in her sleep then crashed into the dresser trying to get up.
She ran into the banister so hard that the cone popped off.
I looked at her foot again. It was open. The stitches were gone.
I put the cone back on and took her to the vet today (yes, my new vet is open on Sundays 
).
As soon as we got to the waiting area, I took the cone off.
She shit on the floor.
The vet put glue and another bandage on her foot.
We came home sans Cone of Shame.
I put her in her kennel to keep her calm as the doctor recommended.
She puked.
I can’t take it anymore. There isn’t enough Xanax and tequila in the world right now.
I am seriously considering finding someone to babysit her until that foot is either healed or falls off.
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “The Babysitter.” I learned about this challenge while reading one of my favorite blogs called Absolutely Narcissism. Sandra is a total nutcase like me and I love her to death! Go check out her blog then check out We Work For Cheese!! I promise you WON’T be disappointed!!!
Related articles
- teacher accused of putting ‘cone of shame’ dog collar on students (innerstandingisness.wordpress.com)
- Fla. teacher faces dismissal over ‘cone of shame’ (sfgate.com)
- Teacher Faces Dismissal Over ‘Cone Of Shame’ (miami.cbslocal.com)
- School: Teacher Used ‘Cone Of Shame’ Dog Collar To Discipline Students (tampa.cbslocal.com)
- Fla. Teacher Faces Dismissal Over ‘Cone of Shame’ (kstp.com)
- Psycho Dog Owner Goes Ape-Shit On Vet Receptionist (thenlistblog.com)
- Teacher Used “Cone of Shame” to Discipline Teens (neatorama.com)
- Teacher may lose job over ‘cone of shame’ (mercurynews.com)
DSMatize Me
“DSMatize Me”
Medium: Cardboard (pre-made) book shell, Polymer clay, paper, gloss medium
My sculptured book telling my feelings about the DSM.
The DSM is the Psychology Bible and although I understand its usefulness (at times), mostly I just can’t stand the book and its use. I believe it overshadows the humanism in the field of counseling. Instead of encouraging the counselor and worse, the client to see the client as a human being, it encourages the use of labeling the client as “disordered.” Of course, the book fights against this accusation by placing a clause in it stating that we are to refer to someone as a “person with schizophrenia” rather than “schizophrenic” but we all know that is just to cover its ass.
I DO recognize that there are some very real disorders in this book. I also recognize that there are some really bogus ones in here and I also recognize that if we look hard enough, there is not one person alive that would not be diagnosed with a psychological disorder.
This book is MY interpretation of the book’s interpretations. I suspect if I were to be officially diagnosed using this book as a guide, I would look something like this. 
Swim
I’m feeling physically and emotionally beat up today. This song usually reminds me of why I shouldn’t just stay under a blanket in my bed all week and cry myself to a Xanax-induced sleep.
I am sure I am not alone today. I hope this song helps you as well. Keep your head above water and swim!
The Tattoo Project Part 4
Today’s post is dedicated to a good friend Traci. She is amazingly artistic and she is a strong soul! And…she is totally tatted up! Here are some of my favorites of hers.
Traci says: Seth Markus did this Buddha quote. I was just ending a significant relationship and there was a lot of hearsay.
Traci says: The tribal and orchid piece was a gift from several people for my birthday in 2007. Grandma and Grandpa Wacker always gave me money for my birthday. I always put it toward new ink. They have paid for most of my ink.
I got the hummingbird / tropical flower ink the day I got out of the hospital. It represents overcoming abuse and manipulation, and recovery from PTSD.
Related articles
- Would You Get This Tattoo? (987ampradio.cbslocal.com)
Psycho Dog Owner Goes Ape-Shit On Vet Receptionist
In my defense, the whole place is run like a goat rodeo. This is the final straw.
My dog’s breath smells like dirty vagina. When I mentioned it to the vet, she looked in his mouth quickly and said, “He doesn’t need a cleaning.” Well, that is only because I am mental and I scrape the dog’s teeth myself. Only I can’t get the back teeth nor can I get the back of the teeth and she only looked at the front of the front teeth. He needs a cleaning. I can’t take the sewer breath anymore.
I called the vet’s office to make a cleaning appointment for him and one of my other dogs. Because I was told he didn’t need a cleaning, I was fully prepared for a less-than-relaxing phone conversation. I already had my response planned out.
I am fully aware of the risks involved but his mouth smells like dirty vagina and if he dies while getting a dental cleaning, then I guess he wasn’t meant to live much longer anyway.
I know it sounds insensitive but HIS BREATH SMELLS LIKE DIRTY VAGINA!!! Besides, two of his back teeth are green!!
I DID encounter an issue but it wasn’t at all what I expected.
“I need to schedule a cleaning for two of my dogs.”
Okay. Have they been seen here recently?
“Yup. They were there 3 weeks ago.”
Okay. Can they come in on May 31st?
“Perfect.”
Oh….no…..I can’t do that day. How about June 7th?
“Sure.”
Okay, this is for Clifford and Izzy?
“Yup.”
And are you Nicki?
“Right on.”
Okay, you will be the one dropping the dogs off (this was NOT a question. This was a STATEMENT).
“I might not be. My husband may be bringing them in.”
Ohhhhh….yeahhhh, you are not going to like my answer.
“I’m not asking you for permission. I am telling you that my husband may be dropping them off that day.”
Yeah, we can’t allow that.
“Excuse me?”
You are the only person we have listed as a contact so you need to be the one to drop the dogs off.
“Well, I have Lupus. I never know if I am going to be mobile at 6:30 in the morning. If I am too sick that day, my husband WILL be bringing them in.”
Unfortunately, he isn’t on the chart as a contact, so we can’t do that.
“Well, add him to the chart.”
We can’t do that over the phone. You need to come in and speak to us in person about it.
“My husband and I are married. He pays all the vet bills. The thousands of dollars worth of checks you have received from us have his name on the check. I have been going there for 11 years. My husband has dropped them off and picked them up before.”
I understand that, Ma’am but this is a new policy. You wouldn’t believe how many problems we have had.
“With what? People kidnapping their pets TO the vet?!”
Yes.
“I am telling you now that if I am too sick to get out of bed that day, my husband has my permission to bring HIS dogs to the vet.”
You have to tell us in person.
“Okay. This is stupid. My dogs will be there at 7am on the 7th of June. They will not get anything to eat or drink after 9pm on the 6th. Please have Dr. Balonik call me.”
Excuse me?
“PLEASE HAVE DOCTOR BALONIK CALL ME.”
I’m sorry. I can’t do that.
“DON’T TELL ME THAT THE OWNER OF THE PLACE CAN’T CALL ME!”
Ma’am, calm d…
“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!”
Please hold.
She put another person on the phone who nicely explained to me that the doc has a new rule, I am the only one authorized to drop off my dog, I need to go there in person, blah blah blah. I told her that I may not be physically able to get there because of my illness. She said that if that is the case, they will allow it to slide that one time but I need to get in there to change the chart.
I most certainly will. AFTER my dogs’ teeth are nice and pearly white, I will be TAKING MY CHART to a different vet.
I can hear how that is going to go now. I’m sorry, Ma’am. You can’t do that.
