For Once I Am At A Loss For Words
As many of you know, I am a member of the West Webster Fire Department. This week has been the longest week of my life and yet, it seems like just yesterday, I was thanking Tomasz for supporting me and laughing at Chip’s goofy ways. I have so many thoughts that they are all scrambled and every time I try to put them in writing, words never seem to be nearly enough so I just give up. I know that I will write about the events of this week soon. I know I must in order to get it out there. I also know that I won’t be able to do it now. Two of my brothers and friends went into the ground this week because of a sick coward and the community has completely overwhelmed me in response. All I can say here is a message from my Mother-in-Law, “What the devil uses for evil, God uses for good.” Amen. More to follow when my thoughts get clearer. Stay safe, friends.
Related articles
- Toronto firefighters attend New York funerals after shooting spree (thestar.com)
- Ending 2012 with firefighters on my mind (notesfromthefunnyfarm.wordpress.com)
- 100 Toronto firefighters in upstate New York for funerals after shooting spree (metronews.ca)
- Bills honor West Webster Fire Department with decal (buffalobills.com)
- Mourners lay to rest firefighter ambushed by gunman (photoblog.nbcnews.com)
- 2 NY Firefighters Who Survived Gun Ambush Thankful (abcnews.go.com)
- Autopsy: NY gunman shot self, not hit by police (ktvb.com)
- Thousands attend funeral of slain N.Y. firefighter (usatoday.com)
- 2 firefighters shot dead, 2 hurt in ‘trap’ at fire in upstate N.Y. (latimes.com)
What The Heck Was I Going To Title This Post?
About a year ago (or was it two?), I started to notice a marked decline in my memory. Prior to this, I would forget things and didn’t give it much thought. I would write it off as being busy, having a lot on my mind, ADD, yadda yadda. You know how it is. You go to the grocery store to buy milk and buy everything but the milk. You enter a room to retrieve something and once you get there, you can’t remember what you went to get. You look for your eyeglasses for a half-hour before you realize they are on your face (or is that just me?) Or my personal favorite, WHILE DRINKING FROM YOUR CUP OF COFFEE, you tell yourself, “Crap! I went to the kitchen to make my coffee and I forgot to make it (sip)!” After a while, these things really started to irritate me. I was so frustrated with myself and told myself that I really need to focus more.
But a year ago (or was it two?), things got noticeably worse and I started to feel less frustrated with myself and more scared. I first noticed it during a fire department drill when my Chief told me that I had told someone to do something and they disregarded my command. I answered to him that I didn’t remember telling that person to do that. He said that I did and I repeated that I didn’t remember. Not wanting to fight, he dropped the issue. I honestly had ZERO recollection of ever giving that other person the command. I was upset that my chief was so determined that I said something that I couldn’t remember. My chief has a great memory. If he said he heard me say it, I must have said it BUT I COULDN’T REMEMBER IT AT ALL. This scared me. I mulled it over for about 3 days before it all came back to me. I DID give the command and my command was disregarded. Since that incident, there were a number of similar incidents. He would give me a direction or a suggestion and I would agree with it and then completely forget about that conversation. Understandably, it would upset him. He thought I was arguing with him that the conversation never occurred. On the contrary, I 100% believed him that the conversation occurred and I 100% had NO recollection of the conversation. I was getting very frightened. When my husband asked me one day, “When was Freud born?” and I couldn’t answer it, I freaked out. I had been studying Freud for 7 years. How the heck could I have forgotten that? I couldn’t even give an estimated guess and when I finally did, I was off by about 70 years. What the hell was happening to me??
Knowing that Lupus can affect the brain, I expressed my concern about my memory lapses to my Rheumatologist. I told him that I was constantly forgetting things. I forgot important conversations, dates, things on my to-do list, and I was having a terrible time recalling simple words. I explained how I sat in the kitchen for about 3 minutes trying to remember the word “pork.” I kept saying, “It’s not chicken, not beef. It’s white meat. What the hell is it?” Finally, my son said, “Pork, Mom!” I felt so embarrassed. In fact, I wrote another post about my memory problems here (and yes, I just remembered that I have written about this before). My doc sent me for an MRI and it came back clean. Of course, I was thrilled that the MRI came back okay but it didn’t relieve my fears. After all, I AM forgetting so much regardless of what the MRI shows. Now it just means that there isn’t an easy explanation for it. It also doesn’t help me to know that the plaques and tangles that are indicative of Alzheimer’s can’t be seen in MRI’s AND that those plaques and tangles actually can begin to develop in the late 20′s to early 30′s. So while we are all going about our daily lives thinking our memory loss is due to being busy, it could very well be early stages of Alzheimer’s!! Yes, sometimes ignorance is total bliss!!
Well, my memory has not gotten any better. I actually thought for a couple days last week that it was getting better but it has gotten worse. For example:
- If it isn’t written down, I won’t remember it.
- I thought I had OCD because every single day when I leave my house, I either run back inside or turn my truck around and drive back home to check to see if I unplugged the curling iron. I only need to check once but I have NEVER left the house confident that I unplugged the curling iron. As hard as I try, I just can’t remember unplugging the damn thing. I talked with my professor about this and she thinks that it is a problem with attention and mindfulness, not OCD. That made me feel a lot better and since she told me that, I now verbalize out loud, “I am unplugging the curling iron now.” When I leave the house, I still don’t remember unplugging the curling iron but I do remember saying that I unplugged the curling iron so I don’t need to turn around and check again.
- My husband puts my daily pills in a little cup for me to take every morning. I often go to take my meds and find the cup empty then have to call my husband to ask if he put the pills in the cup because I don’t remember taking them.
- Yesterday, for a period of 5 minutes, I could not, for the life of me remember if my son’s birthday was on the 8th or the 28th of January. Then I started to wonder if January was the correct month. After 5 minutes, the 28th started to sound more familiar to me so I started to believe that was the correct date. (Yes, he was born on January 28th and thankfully, I didn’t need to get on Facebook to verify if that was the correct date like I thought I would have to do. Although typing that now, I am doubting myself again).
- Yesterday morning, I went Christmas shopping. I was going to get my MIL a gift card for Joann Fabrics. I went to TJ Maxx and found something in the jewelry case that I liked for her and spent a full 15 minutes holding the item in my hand, pondering if that was a better gift. I decided it was and was thrilled with my purchase. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I said to myself, “Shit! I forgot to get my MIL her gift! Wait? Didn’t I just get her something? Yes. I got her the jewelry. Didn’t I?”
I really don’t know what is going on with me but something is definitely wrong with my memory. My doc said he doesn’t think natural supplements work to improve it and although I tried Luminosity.com, I never remember to go to the site. I am trying to be more mindful. I am trying to rely LESS on lists because I know that by leaning on that crutch, I am not exercising my brain enough. Why would it have to remember if I write everything down for it? But I am so scared to forget something!
How about you? Have you had any memory problems or do you have any ideas for improving memory? If so, leave a comment now before you forget! =)
Related articles
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- Alzheimer’s, Mom and Money: When a Retiree Can’t Remember (dailyfinance.com)
- Alzheimer’s breakthrough? Drug intended for diabetes appears to restore memory in Alzheimer’s brain cells (sciencedaily.com)
- This is your brain on exercise (vitals.nbcnews.com)
- 5 Signs of Alzheimer’s that You Might Not be Aware Of (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- 10 Common Memory Loss Causes (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- Best Alzheimer’s, Memory Care Blog Awards | Assisted Living Today (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- 6 Memory Problems That Shouldn’t Worry You (huffingtonpost.com)
Black Friday; Think 2ce Before You Agree To Go With Me
I LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE Black Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Under ONE condition. Okay, TWO conditions. CRAP…THREE conditions. NO WAIT, FOUR, FOUR WONDERFUL CONDITIONS, AH HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!
(You were supposed to say that in the Count’s voice. If you didn’t do that, please go read it again only properly this time).
The four conditions are:
#1) A cup of coffee larger than the size of my bladder and hotter than magma is A MUST!!!
#2) No jackets allowed!!! I will freeze my t*ts off but I hate wearing jackets in the stores.
#3) ABSOLUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (and this actually should be number 2) LOOKING AT ADS PRIOR TO BLACK FRIDAY BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS ON SALE ONLY TO HAVE IT BE GONE WHEN I GET THERE OR HAVE TO TURN INTO ROCKY BALBOA OVER A BLENDER. Yo, Adrian!!!!
#4) No cart, no shopping!!! I refuse to look like this in the store!
From left, Cheryl Hodyna and her daughter, Amanda May try to carry all of there purchases at Kohl’s on Black Friday morning. (Press Photo/Hollyn Johnson)
#5) I know I said I have four conditions. Just accept that I lied and move on. #5) No, I won’t hold your stuff!!! If I won’t hold my own crap, what makes you think I will hold yours??
#6) This kind of goes without saying but I must have money!!!!! I really don’t understand why people go shopping on Black Friday with only $7.53 to their name. You people are insane. Go back to bed!!!
#7) I do NOT wait in lines to ENTER THE STORE as if I am waiting to meet….oh….I don’t know. Who would I wait THAT LONG in line to meet? Jesus Christ. That is about it. He is so good and so hot (according to rumors anyway). So yeah, I will not wait in line to enter a store unless Jesus Christ or Our Almighty Father is inside the store. And nooooo I don’t mean in spirit…I mean in flesh and blood….or at least in a huge brighter-than-the-sun-but-somehow-I-can-still-look-at-it-without-burning-my-retinas flaming ball somewhere between the Starbucks and the bathrooms. NOT near the electronics because you never go near the electronics on Black Friday!! Which leads me to condition #8…
#8) Stay the heck away from the electronics on Black Friday! Unless I am one of the first 10 people in the store (and that will never happen. Refer to #7), I stand NO chance at getting an IPod for 75 cents. And even if I did….I would rather pay full price AND stick toothpicks in my eyes to avoid standing in the electronics line!!!!
#9) If you want to go Black Friday shopping with me, PLAN ON WAITING IN LINE (for the register) FOR 2 HOURS AND DON’T BITCH ABOUT HOW PACKED THE STORE IS OR HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO WAIT! I don’t care how many times I warn people that the stores will be standing-room only and the wait will be insane yet they still have the nerve to look surprised and worse, ruin my fun by complaining the whole time!!
And #10) and this should be #1…yes, even before the coffee…THIS is NEVER, EVER ACCEPTABLE!!!!!
Image taken from http://theeconomiccollapseblog.com
IT IS JUST STUFF, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER SEE ANYONE KNOCK OVER AN ELDERLY PERSON SO YOU CAN GET 10 BUCKS OFF OF A STOCK POT, YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN’T DONE THAT!!!
How about you? Do you go shopping on Black Friday and if so, do you have your own rules?
A New Tattoo For “The Project”!!
My courageous friend Kathy sent me this information about her Survivor Tattoo. Thank you, Kathy!! It is gorgeous, as are you!! This has been added to “The Tattoo Project.” To learn more about it, visit the page by clicking on “The Tattoo Project” at the top of my blog.
My tattoo is of a butterfly with a pink ribbon as it’s body. The word “survivor” follows the outline of the upper part of the wings. It is my first tattoo and it symbolizes my journey through breast cancer. The tattoo sits upon my upper right breast, which was the one that had the tumor in it. I got it for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I wanted it to act as a conversation piece with the hope that others would see me as approachable to discuss their own diagnosis’ and battles. (I had always wanted a tattoo but was too much of a wimp to get one. After all I had endured during my battle against breast cancer, I figured I could probably stick needles in my own eyes – so I opted to get the tattoo!). I felt that I was not only “ready” but deserving of this tattoo. My 91 year old grandmother couldn’t understand why I would want to “mark up my body” in such a permanent way. I reminded her that the scars I have all over my chest from a chemotherapy port incision and a double mastectomy are permanent and I had no choice about those! This was something I had a choice about and it was beautiful. I had the tattoo done by Mariah Rose at White Tiger tattoo in Webster, NY. I will definitely get another tattoo….I just won’t tell my grandmother. 
October 29th
I have so much to do for school this week. A class presentation and a mid-term today, readings for today and Wednesday. Write-up of my intake interview I conducted with my “mock” client. A paper due in a week that I haven’t even begun to think about. Wait. That is not true. I have thought about it so much and, dreading it, I keep pushing it out of my mind. Until the next time the thought comes up.
I keep thinking of ways to occupy myself to avoid working on school stuff to alleviate the anxiety that accompanies my school to-do list. As we psychology geeks say, good ol’ negative reinforcement for procrastination!
I decided to give this whole situation some thought. WHY am I so anxious over all of this? WHY is it so hard for me to focus this time around? It kept coming back to that damned paper that I am terrified to write. And why am I so terrified? Because of the stupid APA format. I suck at APA and that alone has me not wanting to even think about the paper.
But WHY am I letting that get to me so much? I haven’t in the past. I have tackled everything head-on in the past so why am I cowardly avoiding it now?
Maybe it has to do with the physical pain I have been in for about 3 weeks now. The Lupus is out of control. I have new skin lesions all over, my skin itches all the time, even where there are no lesions, and my joints! They say that the human body has approximately 360 joints in total. I am not sure how accurate that number is but I am sure that however many joints there are in my body, I am feeling all of them right now. And the fatigue! Don’t get me started on the fatigue!
But I wasn’t sold that Lupus is the reason I am so unfocused today. And after realizing what day today is, I realized I was right. It is more than the Lupus (and the APA for that matter). Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
This day didn’t creep up on me like it has in the past. I have been saying for weeks now, “I have a class presentation and a mid-term on the anniversary of my mother’s death.” But I have said those words without the emotional affect that October 29th brings because until now, it wasn’t October 29th.
My Mom
My mother died 6 years ago today. I don’t care what time limits the fucking DSM-IV-TR places on grieving before it is no longer considered grieving and instead, considered depression. (The answer is 2 months. Yes, after 61 days, if you are still grieving, you are considered disordered). The fact of the matter is that I am NOT depressed (and no, I am not in denial about my depression so don’t go there) but I AM still grieving the loss of my mother.
Right now, in my mind, I am sitting on her hospital bed with my head on her chest. I can feel her body getting colder by the second but it feels so good to finally be able to put all of my weight on her without hurting her. And I am so sad and so angry at the same time. I never got to tell my mother all the private things we get to say to people in those moments before they die. I planned to and I know she would have heard and understood it all because she was completely lucid right up until she died. I was visiting her at the hospital with my sister-in-law. My plan was to take my sister-in-law home, get my pillow and blankets and go back to the hospital for some alone time with my mom. I selfishly didn’t share that plan with anyone because I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her, that I am sorry for all the times I didn’t visit her when I should have, and tell her that it is okay to go. That I was so proud of how strong she had been. I asked my mother if she was in pain. She said, “No, but I am so cold.” I gave her another blanket and kissed her head and told her I loved her. She said, “I love you too.” I whispered to her that I would be back in a little bit. She said, “Okay.”
She died 20 minutes after I left the hospital. I was so angry with her for dying without me there. I was so angry at myself for leaving. I should have stayed. My sister told me that if I stayed, Mom would have waited until I went to the bathroom or something to die. She is probably right. Then I got angry at my mom for being selfish that way. I wish she knew how much I needed to be with her at that moment. I wish I recognized that she had Cheyne-Stokes Breathing before I left. Thinking back, I did recognize her breathing pattern had changed but I didn’t name the pattern or make the inference of what that pattern meant. How could I have missed that?? I recognize it in my patients but I didn’t in my mom. I guess that is what happens when the person is so close to you. You don’t look at things objectively. You don’t say to yourself, “She has Cheyne-Stokes Breathing. The end is very close. I better stay.” I understand that but understanding doesn’t make me any less pissed off at myself for failing to connect the dots (or the gasps in this case).
I am not quite sure how the rest of today will pan out but I do know some things. I know I will get through my presentation just fine. I know I will have moments when I will forget what day today is. I know I will take my mid-term and not give a shit about the grade. Until tomorrow when it is no longer October 29th; then I know I will worry about the grade as I always do. I know my mom knows what I am still struggling with. I know that she is doing everything she can to take the pain away from me. And I know that the DSM-IV-TR doesn’t have a clue about grieving and I know it can go fuck itself.
I Can’t Forget, Don’t Want To Forget, I Won’t Forget
As I sit at my computer and force myself to watch footage from the inhumanity, injustice, and cowardly acts of terrorism that rocked our nation 11 years ago, I am wiping tears from my eyes and fighting to keep the vomit in my throat from coming out of my mouth. Americans said we wouldn’t forget and we haven’t. At least I haven’t. There were times when I thought maybe I was starting to because as time passed, I could think back to that day without as much emotion as I felt in times past. But after watching this video today, I clearly have not forgotten. Every visceral reaction I had on that day, I have again right now. I am numb and yet I feel so much. My coffee tastes like shit and the half of a protein bar I had for breakfast is fighting to come back out of my body. I feel so much sadness and loss and even anger all over again. The only difference today is that I don’t feel fear. I am not afraid today but oh God, how I remember the fear I felt at about 8:45am on 9/11/01.
And just as my mother never forgot that she was hanging clothes on a line when Kennedy was shot, I will never forget what I was doing when those animals tried to destroy our nation and took so many innocent lives.
I had just sent my daughter to the bus stop. My fire department pager went off for an EMS job for my neighbor who had fallen. I remember being so scared for him because he was disoriented. I remember walking back into the house and telling my husband that I was scared for our neighbor and my husband responded with words that seemed to wipe THAT fear away immediately.
“Go watch the television.”
As I watched, the only thing I wanted to do was get in my car and bring my baby girl home from school and hold her and her 3 year old brother in my arms and never let them go. My husband convinced me that leaving her at school would be best. That bringing her home would only scare her. I agreed and I left her there and hugged my son as much as he would allow. When she got off the bus that afternoon, I cried all over again.
What were you doing when you heard or witnessed the news? Share if you would like!
My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge; Maintenance
When I began My 4 Week Challenge, I was 136 pounds. A size 10 was a little loose and a size 8 was a little tight. Now that I am way past my 4 week mark, I thought I would update you on how I have been maintaining my weight and more importantly, sticking to a healthier lifestyle.
My weight fluctuates between 126.5 and 129.4. Once I hit 129.anything, I get serious again. I really want to stay away from the 130′s!!!!!! I am currently a size 6.
I am not nearly as strict as I was for the 4 weeks but I am not letting myself slack too much either. If the scale says 129 or more or I just feel the waist on my pants getting tighter, I spend the next 4 days strictly following the diet for my challenge and I am sure to get a weight and cardio workout in 4 days that week. If the scale is less than 129, I still eat clean and workout but I don’t stress if I eat some more carbs here and there or if I choose not to do the elliptical for a day or….um….6.
I DO stick to clean carbs for the most part (super pasta, brown rice, and yams) but hot dogs are my weakness and there isn’t enough mustard in the world to make the super pasta taste like a white bun so bun it is! Besides, that gets incredibly messy to eat.
If I do feel like I want to eat more food, I cheat with protein and fat rather than carbs and sugar. I will eat some egg whites, shrimp, tilapia, or ground beef with fat free cheese and salsa.
I have found (to my dismay) that I no longer like white pasta the way I used to and I prefer the super or other whole wheat pasta (as long as it is thin spaghetti). The taste isn’t much different but the texture took some getting used to. It needs to cook longer and it is chewier but now white pasta is just too mushy for me. I have come to LOVE the Super Pasta. And look at the box! 10 grams of protein, 5 grams of fiber, 260mg of Omega 3′s, and calcium and Vitamin D added!!! This shit is like a doctor in a box!!! Try it!!!!!! Give it at least 2 weeks before you write it off. I promise you, you will get used to it and you may even begin to prefer it. I only recommend the thin spaghetti because the other shapes tend to take about 48 hours to cook and by then, you are so pissed that you take one bite of it and throw the rest at the dog who looks at it and says, “Fuck you! I’m not eating this shit!”
And I always keep portion control in mind!!! That has been the greatest thing that has helped me succeed!!! My stomach can no longer handle any meal that is bigger than the size of my hand. If I do eat more, I feel like crap for about 4 hours. If I feel like I am so starved that I need to eat more, I remind myself that I can eat more in 2 hours. I drink some coffee or tea or water until then!!!
It is amazing how diet and exercise really do work!!!!!
Related articles
- My (NOT Weight Loss) Challenge (thenlistblog.com)
- Tonight’s Diet, Exercise, and Measurements (thenlistblog.com)
- Weight And Size Update!! (thenlistblog.com)
- My FINAL 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update (thenlistblog.com)
- How Going Online Could Help Some Meet Their Weight-Loss Goals (huffingtonpost.com)
- Low carb or low fat: Do calories count? (sfgate.com)
- No Bread, No Pasta… Uh, No Problem? [One Month Challenge, Week #4] (collegecandy.com)
My Children Are Amazing Teachers
Both of my children became freshman this year! My son starts high-school on September 5th and my daughter started her first year of college this past Monday. I am so proud! I am so excited for them! And I am so feeling something that I can’t name yet. I imagine if fear, heart-break, anxiety, longing, and uncertainty all had a big orgy, my feeling right now would be the love child of such event.
I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS COULD HAVE RELATED TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH THIS UNTIL THIS MOMENT. And to be honest, I am sick and tired of people who do not have children or whose children are not in college yet telling me that they know how I feel. I KNOW they are trying to offer me support through all of this and I appreciate the sentiments but really, you have no idea what this is doing to me.
I cry ALL.THE.TIME. I cry out of pride. I cry out of excitement. I cry out of missing my baby. I cry reading Dr. Seuss. I cry at the Subaru commercial (That fucking Subaru commercial). I cry when I remember the commercial about Peter coming home for Christmas! I cry at the idea that after college, my girl will be on her own. I cry out of anticipation of my son joining the Army after high-school. I cry out of worry that my babies will become they kind of adult child I became who didn’t visit Mom nearly enough. I cry out of regret for wasting my time and energy crying over the sad stuff when there is so much to be happy for. I cry that I am allowing my sad feelings to over-power my pride and excitement at times. Then I go back to thinking about the pride…and I cry all over again.
In short, I am a fucking train wreck.
(I am linking up with Mama’s Losing It this week to share what I have learned from my kids. If you would like to link up, go here or click on the button on my sidebar)!!
As I think about all that my children have learned and will continue to learn, I can’t help but think of all the things my children have taught me. Thank you, Caitlin and Chandler for teaching me that:
- My gut instincts as a parent are right. NO MATTER WHAT MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR OTHER PARENTS THINK, DO, OR SAY ABOUT ME.
- I was right to spend and entire summer reading the Bible to my kids while they whined and complained.
- I was right to tell my daughter “no” to wearing shorts with “cheer” printed on the ass.
- I was right to dump the Waffle Blocks back out on the floor and yell at my kids to clean them up after my Mother-In-Law cleaned them up as quickly as she could so they kids wouldn’t have to.
- I was right to force my children go to the hospital to say “goodbye” and to give kisses to their Grandma even though they were scared and felt uncomfortable.
- I was right to call my son home from a friend’s house to clean the spoon he left in the sink.
- I was right to go to work after my daughter was born
- I was right to quit my job when my kids were both very young to stay home with them.
- I was right to have my children grow up with dogs as pets (and tree frogs, hamsters, fancy mice, birds, fish, hermit crabs, geckos, a guinea pig, and fire-bellied toads).
- I was right to make my daughter work to earn money to buy her own bike when she was 5 years old.
- I was right to give my kids cell phones when other parents told me they were too young for them (it isn’t about spoiling them…it is about safety)!!
- I was right to show my kids the creepy picture of the pedophile that lives 2 streets over and make them commit that scary face to memory.
- I was right to explain to my young kids exactly what those sick bastards do to children in detail.
- I was right to talk openly with my children about sex and drugs.
- I was right to cry in front of my children
- I was right to demonstrate to my kids how imperfect I am
- I was right to drill it in their heads that there is NOTHING in the world that they can do that would make me love them any less.
- I was right to keep my judgments to myself and simply thank them for telling me somethings that were difficult for them to say.
- I was wrong to scream at them out of anger and frustration
- I was wrong to not bring them to see their Grandma more often simply because I didn’t feel like it.
- I was wrong to call my daughter a bitch on more than one occasion
- I was wrong some of the times I chose to sit in my room alone instead of in the living room with them.
- I was wrong for not cooking dinner because I was too lazy
- I was wrong to never have them wake up to a kitchen full of breakfast food.
- I was wrong to never have them come off the bus to a plateful of warm cookies
- I was wrong to allow even one day go by without telling them that they are the most important things in my entire life
- I was wrong to rationalize my behavior when I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to beat myself up each and every time I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to not be a better Christian role model for my children
- I was wrong to think that the joys of a clean house would help me overcome the hurt of my daughter being away.
- I was wrong to roll my eyes when people told me, “Cherish these moments because it goes by too fast.”
- I was wrong to play “Cat’s In The Cradle” over and over again this week!!
I Am A Big Pot Of Emo Stew But At Least My Blog Is Generating Some Income
So the past 18 years (plus 6,720 hours of pregnancy) all come down to this. The time when my baby flees the nest and probably will never return. Sure, she will be here on weekends when she has the time and is out of clean clothes and yes, I know she will come back during breaks but let’s get real here. She’s leaving. I can’t stop her nor do I want to. But I really don’t want her to go. But I do. And I don’t.
I am so proud of my beautiful baby girl! She has grown into a gorgeous young woman both inside and out. She leaves for college to earn her degree in psychology so she can become a Mental Health Counselor. Sure, she may change her mind but at this moment, she wants to pursue the same career as her mom and no matter what she ends up doing, this is a humongous honor to me.
After college, she will move out on her own. I know this because my husband has laid down the law with my kids years ago. ”When you turn 18, you will either be in college or in your own apartment.” It isn’t because he’s a cold-hearted man who doesn’t like his kids living in the house. It is because us Italian moms tend to hang on to our offspring like a hoarder hangs on to dead cats and he really feels that they should not be living with us when they reach menopause (or the male equivalent, whatever that is). So it is safe to say that aside from the breaks and occasional laundry runs, I have exactly 7 days and 6 hours left of my baby living at home.
I am so proud of her. I am so excited for her. And I am so fucking devastated and scared.
And as pissed as I am that I am resorting to clichés, cherish the time with your kids because it really does go by way.too.fast!!! I used to think that I would celebrate this moment in time and although I am, I am also deeply mourning what I am about to lose. And now I am crying. Fuck.
Too bad if you don’t want a kiss. Suck it up!!!
On the brighter side, I won’t need to deal with THIS on an hourly basis. ”MOM! I ALWAYS CLEAN UP MY MESS!” As I sit here looking at
Bowl with powdered sugar that has been on the computer desk for 2 (or 3?) days now because I refuse to pick it up.
Her stuff still on the kitchen table after 6 days
Stuff left on the love seat after yesterday’s shopping trip. Okay, I don’t really mind the bag but the rest can go.
Her work shirt on the computer desk.
The water cup! She has these things planted all over the house every day.
Awww…who the hell am I trying to kid. We all know that I will clean this stuff up myself because it is her last week here and I don’t want to ruin it and I will end up missing all of this shit when she is gone. The absence of it will remind me that my baby girl is moving on in life.
Caitlin, if you are reading this, don’t even consider for a second moving out of NY State at any point in your life!! I am not sure I could handle that at all. Damnit…never mind that. If your dream is outside of NYS, you have to follow it. But don’t you dare for a second even think of going one week without calling me!!!!
In other news, my brain MRI came back clean. Yes, this is terrific news but I still have this minor issue of short-term memory loss and I am pretty certain it is Alzheimer’s and that doesn’t show up on an MRI. So we have accomplished absolutely nothing in relieving my anxiety there. Okay, I lied. I AM glad that it’s not a tumah.
Oh!!! I go back to school full time beginning Sept. 5th to get my Masters after an 8 month medical leave. I am pretty sure that obtaining this degree will put me in my grave. Please frame my degree and attach it to my tombstone. I want everyone to see that damn piece of paper!!!!
On a good note, I checked the earnings of my ads for my blog and I have earned $2.49 so far. That averages to exactly (sorry if I am bragging. I am just so excited) $0.0017292 per hour. I really need to get working on ordering my Nobbleheads because the time is coming up quick when I will be able to afford them! For those of you who are not familiar with the Nobblehead, please read the “About” page on my blog.
My FINAL 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update
Hey everyone!! Sorry about the delay in posting this. If you read my last post, you would understand why I didn’t do this sooner. But I am feeling much better now so I decided to, you know, carpe diem!
I know that I did a “before video” and I really wanted to do an “after video” as well. Okay. That is a total lie. I HATE doing videos. I hate how I look and how my voice sounds in them and to be honest, I am NOT comfortable posting a video while wearing shorty shorts and a bikini top.
BUT I WAS GOING TO DO ONE, I SWEAR!!
Although I only received a few comments on my blog about my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge (thank you so much to those who left comments! I truly cherish all of them), I have also received emails, private messages on Facebook, and have had some good old fashioned face -to-face conversations about my posts! I am truly touched by the support, the kind words, and mostly by those of you who have told me that I am an inspiration for you. Wow. I really wasn’t expecting that at all and what a blessing that is for me! You all rock!!!!!
So, although I loathe making videos of myself, I decided that I owe it to my readers to do a follow up video. But the G Damn, mother effing piece of shit crap that I own is determined to put me through a living hell today. I got all ready…put my hair in a ponytail, put on the shorty shorts and bikini top, even a little lipstick for good measure. I plugged in the NEW camera with the EMPTY 64 GB (or whatever size it is. You know, the big expensive one) SD card and the damn thing kept telling me, “the video section of the memory card is full. Can not record videos. ” I put the card on the computer several times to erase what wasn’t there. I dicked around with the camera to erase what wasn’t on it. The thing is still telling me the same thing. And since I can’t take a picture of myself very well, you are all out of luck.
I really am sorry about that. I promise you that I spent an hour trying!!
But! I DO have my results so don’t leave me!!
The very best thing I have gained from doing this challenge (aside from learning that I have been an inspiration to others because that is huge) is feeling healthier overall. My lupus symptoms have diminished so much! I still have pain and fatigue but it really is nothing compared to how I felt before all of this. I was THIS CLOSE (my thumb and index finger are almost touching right now) to either being put on Prednisone or increasing my chemotherapy in the beginning of July and the thought of either of those scared the shit out of me. But because of eating a cleaner diet and exercising 5-6 days/week, my meds were not changed at all and my doctor actually wrote on my “to-do list” he makes for me, “Keep up the exercise! Good job!”
For those of you who keep telling me, “Don’t lose any more weight, Nicki!” I want to say this. I truly appreciate that you are telling me I look good. I do. And I don’t feel like I need to lose any more weight. I am actually content with my body right now. However, if doing what I have been doing is going to keep the Lupus Monster under control, I will continue to plug away regardless of what I weigh. So, I want to thank you for telling me that I look good but please understand when I get defensive in reaction to those comments.
Some people have asked me about maintenance program for this diet and exercise regimen. My maintenance program is being mindful of how I feel and what the scale reads in relation to how I ate and if I exercised that day. If I feel good and the scale is kind to me, I allow myself a bit more of the healthy stuff or a slice of pie. If I feel like shit and the scale calls me a whale, then I am strict for the next week. Overall, I am allowing myself to have my little indulgences but for the most part, I am sticking to the diet and still waiting for Saturdays to cheat. I have cut out the 20 minute cardio before breakfast but I still do weights 5 days/week with cardio following.
So…here are the numbers!!
Start Weight (on 7/2): 136
Today’s Weight: 127.8 (Lost 8.2 pounds)
Pant size on 7/2: 8-10
Pant size today: Mostly 6. One pair I tried on had to be an 8.
Hips on 7/2: 39 inches
Hips today: 35.5 inches (Lost 3.5 inches)
Upper thigh on 7/2: 24 inches
Upper thigh today: 22.75 inches ( lost 1.25 inches)
Waist on 7/2: 30 inches
Waist today: 27 inches (lost 3 inches)
Bust on 7/2: 36 inches
Bust today: 33.5 inches (lost 2.5 inches…good luck finding a bra that fits that)
Saddle Bags on 7/2: 41 inches
Saddle Bags today: 39 inches (lost 2 inches)
I hope those of you who felt inspired stay that way! If you have setbacks (and you will), know that you can pick it right back up the next day! And, very importantly, remember that if you weigh yourself the day following your cheat day, you WILL be 2-4 pounds heavier than the day before. IT IS OKAY! Cheating after you are very strict with your diet and then resuming your strict diet after your cheat day actually boosts your metabolism and within 3 days, you should be below your pre-cheat day weight…if you stick to the diet and exercise. If it really bothers you, DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF UNTIL 3 DAYS AFTER YOUR CHEAT DAY!
Here is a laugh for you!
As always, I appreciate your feedback!
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Time For Another Challenge Update
I am on day 25 of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Although there are days when it IS a challenge, overall, it has not been bad at all. Here is a break-down of how things are going.
Discipline: If you remember, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight loss. For the most part, keeping that goal of staying disciplined in mind has helped me to stay focused. When I think of it as a weight loss challenge, I find excuses to eat that extra piece of macaroni or skip a morning cardio. However, I won’t lie. It has been tough to stay disciplined this week especially when the numbers on the scale keep going down. I still do my weights 5 days/week with a 30+ minute cardio following. I still do not eat what is not on the diet and save cheating on my diet until my scheduled cheat day FOR THE MOST PART.
This past week, we had 2 grad parties to go to. Since Saturday was my cheat day, I was perfectly happy with eating the Italian sausage with the roll, the macaroni salad, and the two pieces of cake. I was in my glory! Sunday was NOT my cheat day, however, and I ate a turkey sandwich and some ziti that day. I also had some fruit with chocolate from the chocolate fountain, and some chips and dip. I am not sure what happened that day; I just didn’t care. I also have been skipping my morning cardio more days than not. I keep telling myself that if I stick to my diet and add more time to my cardio following my weights, it is okay. And as far as the scale goes, it IS okay. But again…this is a challenge in DISCIPLINE! Damn.
Results:
Starting Weight: 136 lb.
Today’s Weight: 129 lb. I HAVE NOT WEIGHED UNDER 130 POUNDS IN ABOUT 11 YEARS!!! I am really happy about this!
Upper Thigh: 23 inches (down 1 inch total and .5 inch from last week)
Hips: 36.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total but the same as last week)
Waist: 27.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total and .5 inch from last week)
Bust: 34 inches (down 2 inches total and 1 inch from last week)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40 inches (down 1 inch total but same as last week)
Doesn’t it figure that my ass stays the same size but my boobs get smaller?!
Lupus Symptoms:
I still have some pain and my fatigue is some days worse than others but overall, I have much more energy and much less pain! I was so happy to go to the doctor this past week! Before I started this whole thing, I was dreading the appointment because I knew he would need to increase my medications and I didn’t want that. I am totally convinced that this exercise and cleaner diet has altered that course! My meds stayed the same and I am thrilled!! I don’t know what Remission feels like but I know that I am closer to it now than I have been in 6 years!
AND….ONLY 2 MORE DAYS TIL CHEAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahooooooo!!!!!!
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Short and Sweet
129.2 pounds today! Under 130 pounds for the first time in about 11 years!!!
Since today isn’t my “official” day to do a complete update (I have been doing them every 8 days), that is all I have for now. More to come in a couple days. =))
God Hear My Prayer
Dear God,
I pray that You make Your presence incredibly obvious to these families and friends during this tragic time. God, please be with the emergency responders as they work through the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings they experienced and will continue to experience for a very long time. I pray that everyone will feel a sense of peace soon. God, thank you for keeping my own children safe while they were at the midnight showing of this movie here in our town.
In Jesus’s Holy name,
Amen
James Holmes, may God have mercy on your soul.
Another 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update!!
I am on day 17 of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge and the benefits of doing this have surprised me!!
Here is a breakdown of how I have been doing:
Discipline/Diet:
This seems to be the hardest part (I KNOW it is a challenge in discipline! This is why I NEED such things). The funny thing is that I have not been over-eating or eating things that are not allowed…I have been UNDER-eating and it truly is a matter of time management. I should be eating 6 small meals per day. In order to get them all in, I need to eat about every 2 hours. Life has been so busy with my daughter’s graduation party that I have had about 3 days that I didn’t eat like I should. This may not seem like a big deal (eating less than I should) but it actually is. If my calories are too low, I will lose muscle as well as fat. If I don’t eat frequently, my metabolism will slow down. And if I don’t stay disciplined, I am losing sight of my goals.
BUT!!! Here is the thing….I will do my best to get back on track but regardless of skipping a few meals, I am soooo damn happy with the way this has been going!
Not cheating has become easier and easier for me. I TOTALLY look forward to my cheat day (when I eat anything and everything I want) but in-between cheat days has been so much easier that I remember it being when I was training for my bodybuilding competition. Sure, I still have the desire to eat the forbidden stuff (frosting off my daughter’s cake, the pasta salad just taunting me in the fridge) but it is more an annoyance than anything.
Exercise: I can’t tell you how happy I am with my workouts!!!! I really dreaded working out 6 days/week and to be honest, I am not crazy about it at all. I still push myself through but when I am done, I feel fantastic!!! I feel so proud that I spent all that time working out rather than eating. The endorphins really do feel awesome. But most importantly…
I AM KICKING LUPUS’S ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was the benefit I didn’t expect. Yes, I wanted to prove that I could do things that Lupus seemed to be preventing me from doing but I never imagined I would feel this much better! My pain is practically non-existent in comparison to how I felt before I started this challenge and my energy has increased so much! Even my son commented on how much energy I seem to have now. I am worried that when I go back to school, I won’t have the time to work out and I will feel worse again but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
Weights and Measures:
Starting weight: 136 lb.
Today’s weight: 130.8 lb. (down 5.2 lbs)
Right upper thigh: 23.5 inches (down .5 inch)
Hips: 36.5 inches (down 2.5 inches)!!!
Waist: 28 inches (down 2 inches)!!!
Bust: 35 inches (down 1 inch)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40 inches (down 1 inch)
MY PANTS ARE GETTING LOOSE ON ME AND MY BRA NO LONGER DIGS INTO MY STERNUM!!! SUCCESS!!
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Weight And Size Update!!
I have completed 8 full days of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge! Only 22 days to go!! I soooo can do this!!!!
I thought you might like a comprehensive update. I hope all of my updates can be this inspiring!
Discipline: I actually am doing well but I seem to have a problem getting all of my meals in during the dayon occasion. This isn’t because I don’t want to eat or feel too full (although yesterday, I had to force down the pre-workout yams). I just run out of time some days and skip a meal. So much going on in life! Yesterday, I was grocery shopping during the time I should have been eating lunch and I can’t just go up to a counter in the cafe at Wegman’s and say, “Can I please have 15 shrimp with cocktail sauce and 6 baby carrots?” I ate lunch as soon as I got home but my then it was supposed to be time for my snack. I think you get the picture here.
I have not cheated other than my cheat day and that damn lick of frosting I mentioned in this post. By the way, that crack frosting? It is STILL in the fridge UNTOUCHED! I think my daughter is leaving it there for me as some sort of bait!!
The family had tacos for dinner last night. I LOVE taco meat!!!!! I am such a carnivore!! I actually thought to myself, “Nicki, the taco meat is just ground beef with some seasoning. You are going to make ground beef after your workout anyway so just eat this awesome stuff right here!” Then I reminded myself that ground beef covered in wonderful taco seasonings and sauce is NOT on the diet and this challenge is about DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss!! So I drank some coffee and removed myself from the evils within the kitchen.
Workouts: I found that the I-am-a-hamster-running-on-a-damn-wheel feeling is not present and the time flies by if I do the following. Play music from my computer from my iTunes account. Look at a group of songs, and find out when to stop my workout based on how long the song is. I love when there is a longer song in the mix. Then I am all “Sweet! I only have to do this for 5 songs!!”
This is soooo much better than looking at a watch or the screen of the machine to see how long I have been on it. My whole time is spent convincing myself that if I wait longer to look at the time, then it will be time to be done by the time I actually look. Then when I do look, and realize I am not even half-way done yet, I want to die. This is never an issue with the music! I play the music loudly, close my eyes, and get totally lost in the songs.
Weights and Measurements: The moment you have been waiting for, I am sure!!!
On 7/2 (first full day of challenge):
Weight: 136 lbs
Top of right thigh: 24 inches
Hips: 39 inches (although I am thinking now that this may have been wrong. It must have been 38 inches)
Waist: 30 inches
Bust: 36 inches
Ass/Saddlebags (THE GROSSEST PART OF MY BODY): 41 inches
This morning:
Weight: 132.8 lbs (down 3.2 lbs)
Top of right thigh: 23.5 inches (.5 inch smaller)
Hips: 37 inches (2 inches smaller??? This is why I think I measured wrong last time. I doubt I lost 2 inches in my hips already).
Waist: 29 inches (1 inch smaller)
Bust: 35.75 inches ( quarter of an inch smaller)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40.5 inches (.5 inch smaller) YAYYYYYYYY!!!!
Physically, I feel like I got hit by a bus this morning but I do feel more fit already and I have not had any issues with the bulging disk in my back this week!!!!! I do have more energy. My son even commented on how I seem to have all this energy now.
I woke up yesterday with Lupus headache but I got right to working out and by the time I was done, I could move my neck and the pain was only a small annoyance!!
Mentally: I feel fantastic!!!!!!! I am so proud of myself for not eating that damn taco meat!!!!!!!
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Day 5 Of My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge
I am patting myself on the back right now.
Since I began my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge on Monday, I have not cheated more than one teaspoon of peanut butter and one lick of frosting (more on the frosting in a few minutes).
Day one was easy to follow because I was pumped. Also because my diet has 6 small meals a day and since I only ate 2 large meals/day before this challenge, it seems like I was always eating! I do eat often; every 2 hours.
Day two was not bad at all…nothing to report.
Day three? I wanted to pig the fuck out and skip my cardio. I was feeling the exhaustion and I wanted something buttery!! But I reminded myself of my goals and it got easier!
Yesterday was day 4 and I totally nailed it. Did everything right and reminded myself that Cheat Day is Saturday! Woohoo!
Today is day 5. I lost 3 pounds so far! I am totally okay with sticking to my diet today because I know that I can eat whatever I want tomorrow. This is good because we are going to my daughter’s college orientation and it will be hard to stick to the diet while I am out.
But a couple glitches were thrown my way and I am having an anxiety attack now.
My friend called and asked me if we were still on for tonight. I have it in my calender that she and I are going to the movies. I am fine with that. I never want the popcorn. Give me coffee and I am happy as a pig in shit. She said, “Dinner and drinks.” Which translates to Maria’s.
For those of you who do not live around these parts, Maria’s is unarguably the best damned Mexican Restaurant near me. People have tried to argue with me about this and they lose every time. If I have to drag your ass to Maria’s and shove the Holy Moly with the guacamole down your throat (I don’t care if you don’t like avocados…it is THAT good), force a beef burrito enchilada style down your throat while you are still trying to swallow the Holy Moly then funnel the pomarita down your gullet to prove to you that it is the best, then damnit, I will do just that. And in the end, you will tell me just how fucking right I was. Period. End of discussion. But beware…Maria’s has a “3 Margarita Limit” for a reason!!!! They are oooohhhhh soooooo good and so damn strong.
I am trying to figure out how to do this. Saying “no” to Maria’s is simply not an option. For starters, did I mention that the food is really good there and the Margarita’s are even better? Second, it is a tradition that Meg and I go to Maria’s. We always go there when we go out. One time the place was closed when we pulled up and we literally sat in the parking lot and stared at each other for 5 full minutes in silence with tears in our eyes. Finally Meg broke the silence and said, “Now what the fuck are we going to do?” It took us another 8 minutes to decide on another restaurant and we were miserable bitches to the poor waitress.
“Ma’am, I KNOW this is an Italian Restaurant but is it too much to ask for a Holy Moly with guac, a Pomarita and a beef burrito enchilada style? This IS America, after all. We are not REALLY in Italy!!”
Meg and I have recruited an uncountable number of people to this place. It is like a fucking Maria’s cult and we are the leaders. When we go there, the waitress doesn’t even ask us what we want. She just brings us our orders. If I go with someone other than Meg, the waitress gets all sorts of confused but she still nails my order every time.
So, this is one time when I MUST cheat. I have decided that although I have stuck with my diet awesomely today and although I will be away from home tomorrow, my cheat day will be today instead of tomorrow for this week. I can still make this work.
Shit! Next week is Caitlin’s grad party. On Sunday. It is being catered. That means my cheat day will have to be Sunday instead of Saturday. That means that there will be 8 days in between cheat days instead of 6!!!!
I need a Xanax.
One last thing before I sign off here…
Yesterday, my daughter found a cookbook.
Thank you, Caitlin. This will go fantastically with my diet.
Today she made cupcakes for the staff at work. Lemon cupcakes with a strawberry cream cheese frosting. I told her to be sure she takes ALL the cupcakes to work. She promised she would. I wish my daughter wasn’t a big fat liar.
9 left on the toaster oven after she left for work.
I told her to make sure she cleaned out the bowl that she made the frosting in so that I wouldn’t want to lick it clean (I already had one lick). She said she did. She didn’t lie. She did. But in the fridge…
About half a gallon of the shit!!!!
I opened the lid to look at it.
Made with fresh strawberries and cream cheese!!!!! It is so pink and pretty!!!
I know…this is not her fault. Nicki, accept responsibility and do not place blame!
I did not cheat. I had none (aside from that one lick I just mentioned)!
And I know one graduate who won’t be having a graduation party for torturing her mother!
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How Changing My Goals Helps Me In Achieving Them.
I am going to say something here that will rub people the wrong way. Some of you who I consider to be my friends (either in person or in Blog Land) will disagree or start to feel the rage build up inside of you and I am okay with that. Why? Because I am responsible for my feelings and you are responsible for yours. Also because I believe that there is truth to what I say and I would rather be hated for being honest than liked for being fake. If you know me personally, you know that I live by these beliefs every day. You probably even know this because you and I have gone toe-to-toe at least once and at times, it got ugly, didn’t it? But if you are reading this then it means that we worked through it and you still respect me (at least a little) and I can promise you that I still respect myself which is really all that matters to me. Keep in mind that I only speak for myself. I can’t speak for you or anyone else so what I have to say is all about what I think and feel.
I am NOT okay with being over weight. I know I am not obese but I at 5’1″ and 136 pounds, I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I look when I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I feel physically when the waist of my pants puts pressure on my gut and causes discomfort all the way up to my chest. I am not okay with how my digestive system acts when I am overweight. I am not okay with feeling like I am going to crap my pants in the middle of a meeting and then again an hour later while I am caring for a patient. I am not okay with my bra feeling like a bar is digging into my sternum. I am not okay with having indentations in my ankles an hour after I have taken off my socks. I am not okay with being short of breath because my body has to work harder to move me around and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AM NOT OKAY WITH FEELING LIKE I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I am not okay with blaming my weight on a long line of family genes. Yes, my whole mother’s side of my family was very overweight. They were all that way because of poor diets and lack of exercise, not because of genes. I am not okay with saying that I can’t workout and exercise because I have Lupus. In fact, having Lupus just means that I have to work harder and more often so that I stay mobile and my heart can stay healthy. Lastly, I don’t believe that anyone that is over weight is okay with it. I AM okay with overweight people. I do not believe anyone’s character should ever be judged by what their body looks like. But I am not okay with people lying to themselves because that is not healthy mentally or physically. It IS okay for people to not like aspects of themselves because that can lead to healthy changes. I believe it is easier for people to try to convince themselves and the world that they are okay with being overweight than to suffer the emotional upset of admitting that they are not okay with it and push themselves physically and mentally to overcome it. I believe that each and every person who says that they are okay with being overweight looks in the mirror in private and feels horribly bad (if they even allow themselves to look in the mirror). I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY WEIGH AND I BELIEVE EVERYONE OWES IT TO THEMSELVES TO BE HONEST AND DO THE WORK TO TRULY FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.
I have struggled with weight for most of my life. Although I am not anorexic (God, how could I ever turn my back on glorious food?) nor do I purge after my meals, I do binge. Binging in the absence of purging IS an eating disorder and I BINGE! I have to work every single day to not binge. I have to work every single day to avoid telling myself that I deserve to binge today because I did so well on my diet yesterday. People that watch me binge are amazed. They wonder how the hell I could scarf down 3 huge plates of pasta with sausage and meatballs all at once but I do it and I can do it often.
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have set a goal to lose weight but I can tell you that not only did I fail each and every time, i I also gained about 10 pounds as a result.
My first true success at losing weight was about 13 years ago. I walked into the gym and the owner asked me “How much weight do you want to lose? What is your goal?” At the time I was a size 16 (remember, I am only 5 feet tall) so I understood his confused look when I answered, “My goal isn’t to lose weight. My goal is to build upper body strength and endurance for firefighting.” As a result, I got stronger, I had more endurance, and I eventually lost 61 pounds and placed second in a bodybuilding competition.
My bodybuilding days are long gone and in the 12 years since I have competed, I have struggled with my weight over and over again. I never got as heavy as I was before but when I started buying size 12 jeans, I realized something. I was back to my old habits and within a year I would be wearing the size 16′s again if something didn’t change. So, I lost 12 pounds and have yo-yo’d over and over again.
It has been so easy to blame my lack of exercise on Lupus. It is easy to blame my eating crappy foods on Lupus. After all, if I am too exhausted to go shopping, how can I eat healthy?
But I am a control freak and I HATE feeling out of control of my life. I hate when I allow circumstances to make decisions for me. And I realize that I DO ALLOW THAT. I choose to take the easy route as many of us do. I choose to place blame rather than accept responsibility. And I just won’t tolerate that anymore. When I really thought about it, I realized that my goal was NOT to lose weight, look hot, or fit into a certain size pants.
My goal is to be in control of me. My goal is to not allow Lupus to make the rules. My goal is to not blame my fat ass on my mother and her mother and her mother. Yes, the SHAPE of my ass is in my genes but the SIZE of it is under my control. A “fat ass gene” simply does not exist. I want to be autonomous. I want to be the author of my life, not despite my circumstances but IN SPITE of them. I have choices each and every day to make and I want to make the right choices.
When I started my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge 4 days ago, I set an INTRINSIC goal rather than an extrinsic one. This means that I set a goal that comes from within me (intrinsic), not from outside of me (extrinsic). I set a goal that will feed my need to be autonomous and choiceful in my life (intrinsic) rather than a goal to look better or see a smaller number on the scale (extrinsic). And when I achieve this goal, you may or may not see me any differently. I may be more physically fit. I may look the same or I may even look bigger. Since I decided on a healthy way to achieve my goal, I am assuming I won’t look bigger and I am hoping I look more physically fit but either way, the benefits will be on the inside of me and they will last a very long time.
My goal is self-discipline; to be in control and in charge of me no matter what. This goal helped me a great deal yesterday. Yesterday was day 3 of eating and working out as if I were training for a bodybuilding competition. I felt exhausted and I wanted to pig out! I thought to myself, “Self, you did awesome for 2 days, you lost 2.6 pounds already, and you can totally skip 20 minutes of cardio today. Hell, you can even eat an extra spoonful of peanut butter. It isn’t going to kill you. It is still way better than what you were doing before this challenge!” Then I reminded myself the goal of my challenge. If my goal was to lose weight, I totally would have listened to that devil on my shoulder. But my goal is to be disciplined and listening to that devil would have proven to me that I really don’t take control of my life. As soon as that though entered my mind, I felt the energy to get on the elliptical and my craving for more food wasn’t nearly as strong. I woke up this morning and got right on the machine as I planned.
This challenge will not be easy. I know that. There may be times when I try to convince myself that my goal was stupid and I really am okay with being out of control at times. But that would be taking the easy route and I would be lying to myself.
I read a wonderful article that provides a brief guide to attaining your goals at the Healtdemystified blog. Click here to get this awesome information for free!!! I have to say that it is purely coincidental that I have many of the same points in my post as there are in his guide! I wrote my draft before getting caught up on some blogs and came across this one. I was floored that much of what I was saying in my post was said here!!
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Kamal Saleem: A Muslim Cries Out to Jesus
As a Christian, this filled my heart so much that I literally sobbed watching it. Praise God and praise Jesus!!!!!!!!! If you are not a Christian, I invite you to spend the next 8 minutes of your life watching this. May God richly bless all of you today and always!!!
I found this awesome video here:
Sorry, No “Before” Pics
Totally stuck to the diet and exercise plan today despite the fact that the fire department had a wonderful dinner of Italian sausage with peppers and onions, corn, salad, and SALT POTATOES for dinner. So proud of myself for not giving in!!!
I considered posting before pics for my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Then I changed my mind because I really don’t take good pictures. Then some people said I should and I started to think that if I don’t, I will regret it, especially if I look super hot after this is all said and done. Then everyone left the house except for my 14 year old son and there is NO WAY I am giving him a camera while I stand before him in a bikini top and my daughter’s shorty shorts. So….I have a video.
God this is sooooo embarrassing!!! Sandra, this is for you!!!!
As I said, this is not a weight loss challenge but we all know that I will be pissed off if I don’t lose any weight!
I mentioned my “stats” in the video. I forgot to mention that I am currently a size 10. Just sayin’ to keep with the full disclosure crap. It doesn’t get any more transparent than this, y’all!
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Tonight’s Diet, Exercise, and Measurements
Well, day one is coming to a close and I did very well (of course because it is only day one)!
Measurements (sorry non-Americans, they are in inches):
Bust: 36″
Waist: 30″
Hips: 39″
(At least it is still an hourglass shape, right?)
Upper-most thigh: 24″
Maybe tomorrow I will post a “Before” pic. Maybe.
Diet:
Breakfast: 3 egg whites with 1/8 cup of reduced fat shredded chedder (the store was out of fat free so I eliminated my one yolk and cut the amount of cheese allowed in half) with Frank’s Hot Sauce mixed in. YUMMMMMMM!
Snack: 1/2 apple, one teaspoon of reduced fat peanut butter and 1 ounce of ground beef. I know…beef? It was supposed to be 1/2 a protein bar but while I was dividing the ground beef into 3 ounce servings to freeze, there was an ounce left over. So I improvised.
Lunch: 15 shrimp with cocktail sauce and 7 baby carrots.
Snack: I skipped because I was taxiing my son and his friend around town and to be honest, I felt full.
Pre-workout meal: 1 cup whole wheat thin spaghetti, one small yam, 2 ounces of chicken tenders, and 5 baby carrots. I totally fucked up with this meal. I forgot that I was supposed to have ONLY THE YAM and NOT THE PASTA. I was wondering why the bowl looked so beautifully full when I mixed it all together. Oh well. Live and learn.
Post-workout meal: 3 ounces ground beef. I was supposed to have the cup of pasta but since I had it for the last meal, I didn’t think I should have it again (darn). I was also supposed to have 1 cup of broccoli but I felt full…and I was too lazy to cook it.
So….as far as the diet goes, I think I did okay for my first day. I KNOW! This is a challenge in DISCIPLINE and I already screwed it up. BUT! Those were honest mistakes and I didn’t go over my calorie intake at all. In fact, I stayed under. I know I am supposed to eat everything on the diet to properly fuel my body and I will. Today was a day of getting back into the swing of this schedule and I am okay with that.
Exercise:
20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical and an ab workout before breakfast. Chest workout with weights and another 20 minutes of cardio after the weights. Then I was feeling spunky so I hopped on my bike and petaled as fast as I could in high gear for 6 minutes. Better than nothing, right?
I am feeling good about this so far. I am sure that will change in a week.
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My (NOT Weight Loss) Challenge
I have been on a bit of an eating binge lately and I have not been exercising regularly. I have decided that I need discipline. Essentially, I am Cartman. Except even Cartman gets a workout.
When I trained for my bodybuilding competition in 2000, I was incredibly disciplined. I think I cheated on my diet 8 times total in my 16 weeks of hard-core training. And by “cheating” I mean that I only had ONE bite of something not on my diet. One extra teaspoon of reduced fat peanut butter or one teaspoon of icecream or 3/4 of an apple instead of 1/2.
People that didn’t understand bodybuilding (or me for that matter) judged me and they had no problem with putting their ignorant two cents in every single day. I was told that I was anorexic. I was criticized for eating only half of the apple. After all, apples are so good for you so why would eating a whole apple be cheating on a diet? I did my best to ignore them and persisted.
Now that I am not bodybuilding anymore, I don’t need to eat and work out as if I am training for a competition but for the next 4 weeks, that is exactly what I am going to do. Okay, not EXACTLY. My workouts won’t be AS intense but they won’t be taken lightly either. When you see the diet and the plan, you will most definitely say, “Why the hell would she want to do this, especially if she doesn’t HAVE to?”
I am doing it because I want to feel better. I want to feel stronger. I don’t want to be short of breath doing the simplest things. I want to BE PROUD OF MYSELF again. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO PROVE THAT LUPUS DOESN’T MAKE THE RULES; I DO! And…if I lose some inches as a result? BONUS!
This is a 4 week challenge in DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss. And because I hold myself accountable more when I share my goals with the world, I will be documenting my progress for all of you to see.
Today’s weight: 136 lbs. I don’t have a tape measure yet but after today, I will be documenting my measurements as well because that is more telling than weight.
The Exercise Plan
After my first cup of coffee and before breakfast, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical 6 days/week and an abdominal workout 3 days/week.
After lunch or dinner (depending on the day’s schedule) Monday-Friday, a weight work-out then 20 minutes of cardio. No weight training on the weekends unless I skip a workout during the week.
The Diet (This was the diet I followed religiously while training)
Meal #1: 1 whole egg plus 2 whites with 1/4 cup of fat-free shredded chedder and salsa or Frank’s Hot Sauce
Meal #2: 1/2 protein bar, 1/2 apple (or 1/2 cup strawberries), 1 teaspoon reduced fat peanut butter
Meal #3: 15 large shrimp with cocktail sauce (or) 1 can plain Albacore Tuna with lemon juice, 7 baby carrots (or) 2 cups salad with fat-free dressing.
Meal #4: Repeat meal number 2
Meal #5: (Pre-workout meal) 2 ounces of chicken (two chicken tenders), 1 small yam, 7 baby carrots (no yam on non-weight training days)
Meal #6: (Post-workout meal) 3 ounces of ground beef, 1 cup cooked brown rice or whole wheat pasta, 1/2 cup of mixed vegetables (or) 1 cup broccoli (no rice/pasta on non-weight training days).
Unlimited water, unsweetened tea, coffee.
Condiments: Salsa, Frank’s hot sauce, ketsup, Splenda, cinnamon, non-dairy creamer for coffee, lemon juice, cocktail sauce, Pam cooking spray, and 1 teaspoon of olive oil for pasta.
SATURDAYS ARE CHEAT DAYS!!!!! ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING GOES!!! EAT WHATEVER I WANT AND AS MUCH AS I WANT!!!!!! This will not only keep me motivated but the carb-loading will jump-start my metabolism.
So there you have it. I will post my weight, measurements, how I feel physically and emotionally, as well as if and when (and how) I cheat on my plan. If I don’t lose weight or inches and I still stick to this plan, I have achieved my goal because again, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight-loss. But God, I hope I lose some weight too!!
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Awards, Rectums, and Uteri
Thanks, Six-Fingered Monkey!!
I have received another blog award!!! Thanks, Six-Fingered Monkey for picking me as one of 5 recipients, especially when there are so many award-worthy blogs out there!!!
I agree with Six that these blog awards are a bit like chain letters and when I get one, it is bitter-sweet. I LOVE that someone loves me enough to send me an award (or maybe they just sent so many awards to others in the past that they chose me to spare the bloggers they love more the hassle of following these blog rules). Either way, I appreciate the award because it will look so damn cool on my “Awards Page.” But when it comes to paying it forward, I do worry that the others are quietly telling me to suck it.
I am humbly accepting Six’s award with a tweek in the rules. This may ban me from all future awards!
The rules are:
In order to accept you must:
1. Post the rules on your blog (done).
2. Name 5 of your most fabulous moments (either in real life or in the blogosphere).
- When my kids were born. I know…cliche. Deal with it.
- When I competed in my bodybuilding competition
- When I earned my Bachelors in Psychology from an incredibly esteemed university (1 year ago)
- All the times I have responded to ambulance calls as an EMT and truly felt like I was helpful. This happens a lot less than you may think because most things are out of my hands.
- Watching my daughter drape her silver sash and red and gold cords around her graduation gown. That may have been THE proudest moment of my entire life.
3. Name 5 things you love.
- Coffee!
- My husband and my kids (yes, coffee comes before them).
- Being an EMT and the EMS Captain at the firehouse
- Being an artist (wishing I could do it more often)
- The thought of becoming a Mental Health Counselor in 2 years
4. Name 5 things you hate.
- Haters. People who hate GROUPS of people just for the sake of hating a group of people. I hate that group of people. I know….you don’t have to tell me about the irony here.
- The fear that I will not become a Mental Health Counselor in 2 years as planned.
- LUPUS
- That sleep is necessary. I do love to sleep but I hate that I NEED to sleep.
- When people mistreat the elderly and this includes treating them like children!!!!!!!
5. Pass the ribbon on to 5 bloggers and leave a comment notifying them of their win.
- All Work And No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something.
- Colour the day
- Absolutely Narcissism
- We Work For Cheese
- If I Were God
So go check out these awesome blogs!!!!
If you received this award from me, here are your rules:
1) Copy and paste and conform to the rules above (or)
2) Toss the rules to the side of the road and do whatever the hell you want with it!!
Now…onto some more serious business. Rectums and Uteri. I am not sure if “uteri” is the proper plural for “uterus” but it isn’t underlined (so I am assuming it is spelled correctly) and it sounds way cooler than “uteruses” which, by the way, IS underlined.
I was visiting Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism (linked at #3 above) and she is taking part in a competition or event of sorts that is sure to make rectums and uteri fall out.
So, now I have a visual of asses and uteri on the side of the road. And I thought the occasional ‘possum or skunk was bad!
Today’s prompt for the 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese is “The side of the road.”
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If You Are Sick of Lupus Posts, Just Walk On By Because This Is Another One!
Thanks to the incredible heat we had last week and the stress I have been under the past couple months, I am in a doozie of a flair-up. My symptoms are not nearly as bad as they could be and I thank God for that every day. When I read blogs of fellow Lupus…?…onians? I feel like I am acting like such a baby for complaining at all. But, all I have are my own experiences to compare things to and this week has been tough.
On a good note, this entry isn’t going to be full of complaints. Complaints like how my back hurts so bad that it feels like there are knives going in my shoulder blades. Or complaints like I think I pulled an eye muscle from trying to look around because it seems my neck has turned to stone. Or complaints about how more hair is in the tub when I wash my hair or how I have 3…no 5 new lesions on my neck, chest, and face that make me look like I am battling puberty all over again. Complaints like how I can’t really hit the brakes in my truck because my feet are in too much pain or how I can’t carry anything because while my neck was turning to stone, my arms and legs were turning into spaghetti. I also won’t complain about how my hip has been having this amazingly painful electric shock thing going on and I feel like I am being intermittently tasered. Or how my GI track feels like it is on a loopy roller coaster and I am seriously considering seeing if they make Pull-Ups in my size. I will only buy them if they have Looney Toons characters on them though. Because without them, they are just diapers for big people.
Nope! You won’t have to read about any of that!! You are welcome.
Instead, I am going to tell you about how I managed to become mobile yesterday despite the pain.
I remembered the day my doctor quoted Newton’s First Law of Motion to me.
A body in motion will stay in motion and a body at rest will stay at rest.
My doctor told me that people with chronic pain get themselves in a vicious cycle of which I need to be very mindful.
Onset of pain leads to decreased movement which leads to increase in stiffening of the joints and even more decrease in movement which leads to even more pain and so on and so forth until we turn into a big pile of hurting concrete. Okay, the concrete was my imagination…he didn’t say that.
So yesterday, despite the pain I was in, despite the lack of strength in my body, despite the fact that my joints seemed fused together, I picked up some dumbbells. I did a few bench presses with a light weight. I did some stiff-legged dead lifts even though it felt like my elbows were going to pop. I did 50 squats without holding any weights and I did 12 minutes on the elliptical. The workout was NOTHING compared to what I can do on a good day and it seemed like a waste of time while I was doing it. When I was done, I was 100% exhausted.
BUT!!!!!!
My neck moved!!!!! For the rest of the day, I was able to turn my head from side to side without pain. Some discomfort but no pain! It was totally worth it!
I decided yesterday that I need to do this every day. I need to do SOMETHING every day to stay moving. Even if it is just 5 minutes on the elliptical and nothing more. No matter how tired I feel or how much I hurt, I need to keep moving.
And I need to accept that the goal of my workouts is no longer to loose weight and get ripped. My goal is to stay mobile and not turn to stone. That makes me sad but it is a reality and one I am willing to accept.
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I Was A Zombie For A Day.
I am not sure when it all started but about 10 years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that my husband and I needed to buy our burial plots. Immediately. I started looking for the perfect Retirement Home for us. I went alone because at the age of 30, he thought I was nuts being a bit premature.
I started thinking about the comfort of the people left behind after I die and thought that people would be much more comfortable in a Mausoleum than outside, especially in the winter (because OF COURSE oodles of people will want to visit me after I die). I started pricing the Filing Cabinet Drawers as I like to call them.
Mausoleum at Holy Sepulchre
The drawers go all the way up to the ceiling. The ones at the top are the least expensive. The ones at the floor are the second least expensive and the ones at eye level are most expensive. I had to laugh at the idea that the eye level drawers were considered “Prime Real Estate” but I was not laughing at all at the prices. If I wanted to buy one at that time, it would have to be the one at the ceiling. My family would have to bring scaffolding if they wanted to sit with me.
I decided to consider the outdoor plots. My entire family (just about) had been buried at Holy Sepulchre. It really is a beautiful cemetery but I decided to look at White Haven as well. White Haven is a bit different. They do not allow any raised markers (tomb stones) nor do they allow any planting of flowers or other “lawn trash.” The whole place looks like a park instead of a cemetery. They even call it a “Memorial Park” rather than a cemetery.
White Haven Ground Burial Site
I got such a calm feeling being there and I thought “THIS is it!”
Then in 2006, my mother died. She was just shy of 64. She was buried in the ground at Holy Sepulchre.
Mom’s headstone.
I decided that I wanted to spend the following Mother’s Day with my mom. I packed some flowers and gardening tools, a lunch, a blanket, a book, a journal, and a blanket. The weather was beautiful.
I arrived at about 10am. I planted some flowers, sat on the blanket and read my book, wrote a letter to Mom in my journal and just took everything in. It was so peaceful and I felt closer to my mom than I had in a long time. Then I lied on the blanket and took a nap.
I woke up to some guy yelling, “THAT ONE JUST MOVED!!!” I sat up and he was staring at me. He yelled, “Oh my God! You scared the shit out of me! I thought you was dead!!!!” I laughed hysterically and yelled back, “What did you think? They just forgot to bury me or that I am a zombie?!”
Mom and I certainly enjoyed the laugh at the poor guy’s expense!
It was then and there that I decided that a ground plot where people are allowed to plant flowers was the place for me. Because my mom was in the ground in a place where gardening is allowed, I got to spend 8 hours just hanging out with her in the gorgeous weather, playing pranks on the other visitors! I don’t want to rob my kids of the opportunity to scare the ever-loving shit out of someone like that when I die!!
