What The Heck Was I Going To Title This Post?
About a year ago (or was it two?), I started to notice a marked decline in my memory. Prior to this, I would forget things and didn’t give it much thought. I would write it off as being busy, having a lot on my mind, ADD, yadda yadda. You know how it is. You go to the grocery store to buy milk and buy everything but the milk. You enter a room to retrieve something and once you get there, you can’t remember what you went to get. You look for your eyeglasses for a half-hour before you realize they are on your face (or is that just me?) Or my personal favorite, WHILE DRINKING FROM YOUR CUP OF COFFEE, you tell yourself, “Crap! I went to the kitchen to make my coffee and I forgot to make it (sip)!” After a while, these things really started to irritate me. I was so frustrated with myself and told myself that I really need to focus more.
But a year ago (or was it two?), things got noticeably worse and I started to feel less frustrated with myself and more scared. I first noticed it during a fire department drill when my Chief told me that I had told someone to do something and they disregarded my command. I answered to him that I didn’t remember telling that person to do that. He said that I did and I repeated that I didn’t remember. Not wanting to fight, he dropped the issue. I honestly had ZERO recollection of ever giving that other person the command. I was upset that my chief was so determined that I said something that I couldn’t remember. My chief has a great memory. If he said he heard me say it, I must have said it BUT I COULDN’T REMEMBER IT AT ALL. This scared me. I mulled it over for about 3 days before it all came back to me. I DID give the command and my command was disregarded. Since that incident, there were a number of similar incidents. He would give me a direction or a suggestion and I would agree with it and then completely forget about that conversation. Understandably, it would upset him. He thought I was arguing with him that the conversation never occurred. On the contrary, I 100% believed him that the conversation occurred and I 100% had NO recollection of the conversation. I was getting very frightened. When my husband asked me one day, “When was Freud born?” and I couldn’t answer it, I freaked out. I had been studying Freud for 7 years. How the heck could I have forgotten that? I couldn’t even give an estimated guess and when I finally did, I was off by about 70 years. What the hell was happening to me??
Knowing that Lupus can affect the brain, I expressed my concern about my memory lapses to my Rheumatologist. I told him that I was constantly forgetting things. I forgot important conversations, dates, things on my to-do list, and I was having a terrible time recalling simple words. I explained how I sat in the kitchen for about 3 minutes trying to remember the word “pork.” I kept saying, “It’s not chicken, not beef. It’s white meat. What the hell is it?” Finally, my son said, “Pork, Mom!” I felt so embarrassed. In fact, I wrote another post about my memory problems here (and yes, I just remembered that I have written about this before). My doc sent me for an MRI and it came back clean. Of course, I was thrilled that the MRI came back okay but it didn’t relieve my fears. After all, I AM forgetting so much regardless of what the MRI shows. Now it just means that there isn’t an easy explanation for it. It also doesn’t help me to know that the plaques and tangles that are indicative of Alzheimer’s can’t be seen in MRI’s AND that those plaques and tangles actually can begin to develop in the late 20′s to early 30′s. So while we are all going about our daily lives thinking our memory loss is due to being busy, it could very well be early stages of Alzheimer’s!! Yes, sometimes ignorance is total bliss!!
Well, my memory has not gotten any better. I actually thought for a couple days last week that it was getting better but it has gotten worse. For example:
- If it isn’t written down, I won’t remember it.
- I thought I had OCD because every single day when I leave my house, I either run back inside or turn my truck around and drive back home to check to see if I unplugged the curling iron. I only need to check once but I have NEVER left the house confident that I unplugged the curling iron. As hard as I try, I just can’t remember unplugging the damn thing. I talked with my professor about this and she thinks that it is a problem with attention and mindfulness, not OCD. That made me feel a lot better and since she told me that, I now verbalize out loud, “I am unplugging the curling iron now.” When I leave the house, I still don’t remember unplugging the curling iron but I do remember saying that I unplugged the curling iron so I don’t need to turn around and check again.
- My husband puts my daily pills in a little cup for me to take every morning. I often go to take my meds and find the cup empty then have to call my husband to ask if he put the pills in the cup because I don’t remember taking them.
- Yesterday, for a period of 5 minutes, I could not, for the life of me remember if my son’s birthday was on the 8th or the 28th of January. Then I started to wonder if January was the correct month. After 5 minutes, the 28th started to sound more familiar to me so I started to believe that was the correct date. (Yes, he was born on January 28th and thankfully, I didn’t need to get on Facebook to verify if that was the correct date like I thought I would have to do. Although typing that now, I am doubting myself again).
- Yesterday morning, I went Christmas shopping. I was going to get my MIL a gift card for Joann Fabrics. I went to TJ Maxx and found something in the jewelry case that I liked for her and spent a full 15 minutes holding the item in my hand, pondering if that was a better gift. I decided it was and was thrilled with my purchase. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I said to myself, “Shit! I forgot to get my MIL her gift! Wait? Didn’t I just get her something? Yes. I got her the jewelry. Didn’t I?”
I really don’t know what is going on with me but something is definitely wrong with my memory. My doc said he doesn’t think natural supplements work to improve it and although I tried Luminosity.com, I never remember to go to the site. I am trying to be more mindful. I am trying to rely LESS on lists because I know that by leaning on that crutch, I am not exercising my brain enough. Why would it have to remember if I write everything down for it? But I am so scared to forget something!
How about you? Have you had any memory problems or do you have any ideas for improving memory? If so, leave a comment now before you forget! =)
Related articles
- Never Forget to Turn Off Your Curling or Flat Iron Again (bellasugar.com)
- Alzheimer’s, Mom and Money: When a Retiree Can’t Remember (dailyfinance.com)
- Alzheimer’s breakthrough? Drug intended for diabetes appears to restore memory in Alzheimer’s brain cells (sciencedaily.com)
- This is your brain on exercise (vitals.nbcnews.com)
- 5 Signs of Alzheimer’s that You Might Not be Aware Of (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- 10 Common Memory Loss Causes (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- Best Alzheimer’s, Memory Care Blog Awards | Assisted Living Today (assistedlivingtoday.com)
- 6 Memory Problems That Shouldn’t Worry You (huffingtonpost.com)
October 29th
I have so much to do for school this week. A class presentation and a mid-term today, readings for today and Wednesday. Write-up of my intake interview I conducted with my “mock” client. A paper due in a week that I haven’t even begun to think about. Wait. That is not true. I have thought about it so much and, dreading it, I keep pushing it out of my mind. Until the next time the thought comes up.
I keep thinking of ways to occupy myself to avoid working on school stuff to alleviate the anxiety that accompanies my school to-do list. As we psychology geeks say, good ol’ negative reinforcement for procrastination!
I decided to give this whole situation some thought. WHY am I so anxious over all of this? WHY is it so hard for me to focus this time around? It kept coming back to that damned paper that I am terrified to write. And why am I so terrified? Because of the stupid APA format. I suck at APA and that alone has me not wanting to even think about the paper.
But WHY am I letting that get to me so much? I haven’t in the past. I have tackled everything head-on in the past so why am I cowardly avoiding it now?
Maybe it has to do with the physical pain I have been in for about 3 weeks now. The Lupus is out of control. I have new skin lesions all over, my skin itches all the time, even where there are no lesions, and my joints! They say that the human body has approximately 360 joints in total. I am not sure how accurate that number is but I am sure that however many joints there are in my body, I am feeling all of them right now. And the fatigue! Don’t get me started on the fatigue!
But I wasn’t sold that Lupus is the reason I am so unfocused today. And after realizing what day today is, I realized I was right. It is more than the Lupus (and the APA for that matter). Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
This day didn’t creep up on me like it has in the past. I have been saying for weeks now, “I have a class presentation and a mid-term on the anniversary of my mother’s death.” But I have said those words without the emotional affect that October 29th brings because until now, it wasn’t October 29th.
My Mom
My mother died 6 years ago today. I don’t care what time limits the fucking DSM-IV-TR places on grieving before it is no longer considered grieving and instead, considered depression. (The answer is 2 months. Yes, after 61 days, if you are still grieving, you are considered disordered). The fact of the matter is that I am NOT depressed (and no, I am not in denial about my depression so don’t go there) but I AM still grieving the loss of my mother.
Right now, in my mind, I am sitting on her hospital bed with my head on her chest. I can feel her body getting colder by the second but it feels so good to finally be able to put all of my weight on her without hurting her. And I am so sad and so angry at the same time. I never got to tell my mother all the private things we get to say to people in those moments before they die. I planned to and I know she would have heard and understood it all because she was completely lucid right up until she died. I was visiting her at the hospital with my sister-in-law. My plan was to take my sister-in-law home, get my pillow and blankets and go back to the hospital for some alone time with my mom. I selfishly didn’t share that plan with anyone because I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her, that I am sorry for all the times I didn’t visit her when I should have, and tell her that it is okay to go. That I was so proud of how strong she had been. I asked my mother if she was in pain. She said, “No, but I am so cold.” I gave her another blanket and kissed her head and told her I loved her. She said, “I love you too.” I whispered to her that I would be back in a little bit. She said, “Okay.”
She died 20 minutes after I left the hospital. I was so angry with her for dying without me there. I was so angry at myself for leaving. I should have stayed. My sister told me that if I stayed, Mom would have waited until I went to the bathroom or something to die. She is probably right. Then I got angry at my mom for being selfish that way. I wish she knew how much I needed to be with her at that moment. I wish I recognized that she had Cheyne-Stokes Breathing before I left. Thinking back, I did recognize her breathing pattern had changed but I didn’t name the pattern or make the inference of what that pattern meant. How could I have missed that?? I recognize it in my patients but I didn’t in my mom. I guess that is what happens when the person is so close to you. You don’t look at things objectively. You don’t say to yourself, “She has Cheyne-Stokes Breathing. The end is very close. I better stay.” I understand that but understanding doesn’t make me any less pissed off at myself for failing to connect the dots (or the gasps in this case).
I am not quite sure how the rest of today will pan out but I do know some things. I know I will get through my presentation just fine. I know I will have moments when I will forget what day today is. I know I will take my mid-term and not give a shit about the grade. Until tomorrow when it is no longer October 29th; then I know I will worry about the grade as I always do. I know my mom knows what I am still struggling with. I know that she is doing everything she can to take the pain away from me. And I know that the DSM-IV-TR doesn’t have a clue about grieving and I know it can go fuck itself.
OMG…We Did It Again!!
First, read my last post HERE if you didn’t already. If you don’t, this post will not make any sense to you at all.
Meg and I pulled into Maria’s parking lot and it was empty!!!! Again!! And again, we sat in the parking lot staring at the closed sign as if looking at it long enough would cause the whole situation to not be true. This time we yelled at the dark building, “It is the 4th of July week, not Cinco De Mayo!! Why do you need a vacation??!!” A man dressed in a maintenance uniform walked in the parking lot. We yelled out the window, “Do you have the keys to Maria’s? I am sure there is something in the fridge for us to eat!” Another car pulled in, slowed down, then left. They never stopped the car. They never cried. They didn’t even have a look of disbelief in their faces. I said, “Wow. They took that well. We must learn from them.” Meg said, “They just needed a parking lot to turn around in. There is no way they took it that well if they wanted to eat here.” She is always right.
We stayed in the parking lot until the end of the Culture Club song. At least we had George! Don’t judge us!
Then we went to a Chinese Restaurant. I ordered the Lucky Family and Fried Rice with (you guessed it) a side of Holy Moly and a beef burrito enchilada style.
Holy Moly with Guacamole and pomarita from the last time I went to my happy place. I’ll be back for you soon! Wait for me!!!
I Was A Zombie For A Day.
I am not sure when it all started but about 10 years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that my husband and I needed to buy our burial plots. Immediately. I started looking for the perfect Retirement Home for us. I went alone because at the age of 30, he thought I was nuts being a bit premature.
I started thinking about the comfort of the people left behind after I die and thought that people would be much more comfortable in a Mausoleum than outside, especially in the winter (because OF COURSE oodles of people will want to visit me after I die). I started pricing the Filing Cabinet Drawers as I like to call them.
Mausoleum at Holy Sepulchre
The drawers go all the way up to the ceiling. The ones at the top are the least expensive. The ones at the floor are the second least expensive and the ones at eye level are most expensive. I had to laugh at the idea that the eye level drawers were considered “Prime Real Estate” but I was not laughing at all at the prices. If I wanted to buy one at that time, it would have to be the one at the ceiling. My family would have to bring scaffolding if they wanted to sit with me.
I decided to consider the outdoor plots. My entire family (just about) had been buried at Holy Sepulchre. It really is a beautiful cemetery but I decided to look at White Haven as well. White Haven is a bit different. They do not allow any raised markers (tomb stones) nor do they allow any planting of flowers or other “lawn trash.” The whole place looks like a park instead of a cemetery. They even call it a “Memorial Park” rather than a cemetery.
White Haven Ground Burial Site
I got such a calm feeling being there and I thought “THIS is it!”
Then in 2006, my mother died. She was just shy of 64. She was buried in the ground at Holy Sepulchre.
Mom’s headstone.
I decided that I wanted to spend the following Mother’s Day with my mom. I packed some flowers and gardening tools, a lunch, a blanket, a book, a journal, and a blanket. The weather was beautiful.
I arrived at about 10am. I planted some flowers, sat on the blanket and read my book, wrote a letter to Mom in my journal and just took everything in. It was so peaceful and I felt closer to my mom than I had in a long time. Then I lied on the blanket and took a nap.
I woke up to some guy yelling, “THAT ONE JUST MOVED!!!” I sat up and he was staring at me. He yelled, “Oh my God! You scared the shit out of me! I thought you was dead!!!!” I laughed hysterically and yelled back, “What did you think? They just forgot to bury me or that I am a zombie?!”
Mom and I certainly enjoyed the laugh at the poor guy’s expense!
It was then and there that I decided that a ground plot where people are allowed to plant flowers was the place for me. Because my mom was in the ground in a place where gardening is allowed, I got to spend 8 hours just hanging out with her in the gorgeous weather, playing pranks on the other visitors! I don’t want to rob my kids of the opportunity to scare the ever-loving shit out of someone like that when I die!!
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “Hanging out in the cemetery.”
Busy Izzy
This is Izzy.
Izzy is a Standard Poodle.
Her given name is Isabella and we planned on calling her Bella.
After 5 minutes with her we realized she must be called Izzy
Izzy is crazy!
Izzy has way more energy than she has grace, balance, or form.
She crashes into things. A lot.
She slides down stairs and she falls up them.
She runs into trees, walls and steps.
And occasionally, she gets a boo boo.
After all, she IS Busy Izzy.
Last Friday, she was running in the back yard and somehow, sliced her toe pad open.
This isn’t Izzy’s pad. (Image credit: http://www.dobermantalk.com/doberman-health/35915-cut-paw-pad.html). Izzy’s pad was slightly less severe than this but looked very similar.
I bandaged her foot like a pro.
I decided to see if it would heal on its own before rushing her to the vet.
It didn’t.
She got stitches. The vet wanted me to put The Cone of Shame on her but I didn’t have the heart.
After a few days I decided to follow the doctor’s advice and let the foot get some air.
The bandage came off and her mouth was on the wound as if it were a fresh steak.
On went The cone of Shame
She was NOT happy with me AT ALL.
Five minutes later, she got the cone off.
I re-bandaged her foot and left the cone off.
When it was time to change the bandage, I noticed that the bandage had irritated the side of her foot.
It definitely needed some air but she started biting at it.
Cone of Shame back on only THIS time, Mommy’s not fucking around, Izzy! You WILL keep this on!
And she did.
For 24 hours.
During that 24 hours, she crashed into the walls about 400 times.
She knocked over the kitchen chairs and the garbage can.
She absolutely refused to go potty.
She tried cuddling me the entire time which meant that the Cone of Shame was up my ass most of the time.
She figured out how to lick her foot with The Cone of Shame on.
She fell off my bed in her sleep then crashed into the dresser trying to get up.
She ran into the banister so hard that the cone popped off.
I looked at her foot again. It was open. The stitches were gone.
I put the cone back on and took her to the vet today (yes, my new vet is open on Sundays 
).
As soon as we got to the waiting area, I took the cone off.
She shit on the floor.
The vet put glue and another bandage on her foot.
We came home sans Cone of Shame.
I put her in her kennel to keep her calm as the doctor recommended.
She puked.
I can’t take it anymore. There isn’t enough Xanax and tequila in the world right now.
I am seriously considering finding someone to babysit her until that foot is either healed or falls off.
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “The Babysitter.” I learned about this challenge while reading one of my favorite blogs called Absolutely Narcissism. Sandra is a total nutcase like me and I love her to death! Go check out her blog then check out We Work For Cheese!! I promise you WON’T be disappointed!!!
Related articles
- teacher accused of putting ‘cone of shame’ dog collar on students (innerstandingisness.wordpress.com)
- Fla. teacher faces dismissal over ‘cone of shame’ (sfgate.com)
- Teacher Faces Dismissal Over ‘Cone Of Shame’ (miami.cbslocal.com)
- School: Teacher Used ‘Cone Of Shame’ Dog Collar To Discipline Students (tampa.cbslocal.com)
- Fla. Teacher Faces Dismissal Over ‘Cone of Shame’ (kstp.com)
- Psycho Dog Owner Goes Ape-Shit On Vet Receptionist (thenlistblog.com)
- Teacher Used “Cone of Shame” to Discipline Teens (neatorama.com)
- Teacher may lose job over ‘cone of shame’ (mercurynews.com)
Paying Homage To Thongs and Link-Ups!!!!!
While I was enjoying my visit at the Six-Fingered Monkey’s blog, I read his post about the oddest thing he has seen (to date) in a cigarette butt bucket and I was instantly inspired!!!! I won’t tell you what it is because I want you to see for yourself. But what I am about to propose may give it away.
Shit.
I already gave it away in the title, didn’t I?
Crap.
Oh well. I am too lazy to think of a new title for this post so deal with it and we will move on.
Anyway….this is what I am suggesting you do.
1) Visit The Six-Fingered Monkey’s post HERE
2) Read the post…or at least look at the picture in the post.
3) Think of a story about the picture…past, present, future… It can be any genre (yes, I know college words) you like. Comedy, suspense, biography…autobiography…play, poem, video. As long as the subject of the picture is somehow included in the story!!
4) Post your Panty Story (or video) on your blog and link this post as well as the Six-Fingered Monkey’s post.
5) Come back to my blog and put a link to your story in the comment section here.
IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BLOG, PUT YOUR STORY, POEM, OR LINK TO VIDEO IN THE COMMENT SECTION.
I will then post all of the links together in one post. I think it will be interesting (to say the least) and who knows? This may just be the thing that gets us all stupid-famous and Paparazzi-worthy!!!
This can be big if you make it big! Hell, I may even make this a monthly meme with a bona fide button and everything!!! Whatta ya say? Are you in??
Here is my contribution to get you started:
There once was a pair of thongs
That witnessed a crap-load of wrongs
But she was loyal to The Missus
Keeping secret all her kisses
Now she’s surrounded by butts after being surrounded by dongs.
Dear DirtyMilf
I received this in my spam folder today (THANK YOU, AKISMET). The sender was “Dirtymilfs.org.” Should I be flattered or insulted? Hmmmm…food for thought.
Miss (or Mr?) DirtyMilf writes:
hello!,I like your writing so so much! percentage we keep in touch more about your post on AOL? I require a specialist in this area to resolve my problem. May be that is you! Having a look forward to peer you.
Well, hello back to you, DirtyMilf!, Thank you so so much for getting in touch with me. I am truly honored to get such a nice compliment about my writing by someone as articulate as yourself. I do not have AOL but if I did, I would love to discuss percentages (and hell, even fractions and exponents) with you. But PLEASE, NO calculus! I could never understand Limits.
I am not a specialist but maybe I can help you with your problem. Have you tried any of these yet?
Or how about
Thank you for the warning that you will be peering me but please don’t feel like you are having to look forward to it. I mean, this is America, Land of the Free so technically, you don’t HAVE to look forward to anything if you don’t want to.
The Problem With Texting
Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true.
~Charles Dickens
I have mixed feelings about texting. I think it is great that:
- We can quickly get in touch with someone
- We can check that our children are safe
- We can have conversations without everyone around hearing
- We can send the same message to multiple people without making a crap-load of phone calls
Sometimes, text messages can provide us with some incredible comic relief.
But there is a HUGE downside to texting. To see my artwork that addresses this, click HERE. For instance, I am willing to bet that this text caused some unnecessary mental trauma…even if only briefly.
And sometimes texting causes us to reveal things about ourselves that we were not ready to reveal.
But the biggest issue I have with texting is that it lacks all the NECESSARY ingredients of GOOD communication that we can only get in face-to-face conversations!
- Tone. How many times have you or the person you were texting gotten pissed off or felt like a knife just went through your (or his/her) heart because of a text? And how many times was it just a big misunderstanding simply because the sender’s tone was not clear? We can’t convey sarcasm and sincerity in a text. Our jokes come across as insults. Our sincere apologies come across as sarcasm.
- Body Language. Our conversations rely very heavily on body language which is not visible in a text. Someone had recognized the importance of body language and invented emoticons but those don’t even come close to those very small nuances that help us learn more about what people are feeling while they talk such as arms folded, feet shuffling, eye gaze (or avoiding eye gaze), tears, fidgeting, clenching fists, etc.
- SILENCE! Silence in a face-to-face talk is incredibly powerful and incredibly important. It is just as important (if not more) than the talking. Think back to some deep conversations you have had. What occurred during the silence? Usually silence is filled with such reflection and emotion that it can lead to revelations, epiphanies, and change in attitude. My most productive conversations were those that included long periods of silence. How is silence handled in a text message? How many times were you dishonest to yourself or the person on the other end because you wanted to send a quick reply? Probably the most frequent dishonest reply we send is, “that’s okay.” I know I have sent that many times with tears streaming down my face and feeling like that was definitely NOT okay! And if the reply isn’t quick because you were deep in thought or overwhelmed with emotion, have you replied, “sorry it took so long to get back to you. I was busy.”
- Just as bad is when the receiver really was busy, was away from their phone, or didn’t hear that they had a message and the reply is delayed. The sender spends what seems like a lifetime imagining all the horrible reasons why the receiver hasn’t replied yet!
AND HERE IS THE OUTCOME! WE LOSE OUR CLOSENESS AND INTIMACY AND WE BECOME DISTANT AND ISOLATED STRANGERES.
“Sometimes I feel like a stranger to you.”
What are your thoughts about communicating through text messages? Have you ever had any conversations go in the wrong direction because of the issues I mentioned? Of course, you are free to share your funny/embarrassing texts too! =)
