For Once I Am At A Loss For Words
As many of you know, I am a member of the West Webster Fire Department. This week has been the longest week of my life and yet, it seems like just yesterday, I was thanking Tomasz for supporting me and laughing at Chip’s goofy ways. I have so many thoughts that they are all scrambled and every time I try to put them in writing, words never seem to be nearly enough so I just give up. I know that I will write about the events of this week soon. I know I must in order to get it out there. I also know that I won’t be able to do it now. Two of my brothers and friends went into the ground this week because of a sick coward and the community has completely overwhelmed me in response. All I can say here is a message from my Mother-in-Law, “What the devil uses for evil, God uses for good.” Amen. More to follow when my thoughts get clearer. Stay safe, friends.
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- Bills honor West Webster Fire Department with decal (buffalobills.com)
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What The Heck Was I Going To Title This Post?
About a year ago (or was it two?), I started to notice a marked decline in my memory. Prior to this, I would forget things and didn’t give it much thought. I would write it off as being busy, having a lot on my mind, ADD, yadda yadda. You know how it is. You go to the grocery store to buy milk and buy everything but the milk. You enter a room to retrieve something and once you get there, you can’t remember what you went to get. You look for your eyeglasses for a half-hour before you realize they are on your face (or is that just me?) Or my personal favorite, WHILE DRINKING FROM YOUR CUP OF COFFEE, you tell yourself, “Crap! I went to the kitchen to make my coffee and I forgot to make it (sip)!” After a while, these things really started to irritate me. I was so frustrated with myself and told myself that I really need to focus more.
But a year ago (or was it two?), things got noticeably worse and I started to feel less frustrated with myself and more scared. I first noticed it during a fire department drill when my Chief told me that I had told someone to do something and they disregarded my command. I answered to him that I didn’t remember telling that person to do that. He said that I did and I repeated that I didn’t remember. Not wanting to fight, he dropped the issue. I honestly had ZERO recollection of ever giving that other person the command. I was upset that my chief was so determined that I said something that I couldn’t remember. My chief has a great memory. If he said he heard me say it, I must have said it BUT I COULDN’T REMEMBER IT AT ALL. This scared me. I mulled it over for about 3 days before it all came back to me. I DID give the command and my command was disregarded. Since that incident, there were a number of similar incidents. He would give me a direction or a suggestion and I would agree with it and then completely forget about that conversation. Understandably, it would upset him. He thought I was arguing with him that the conversation never occurred. On the contrary, I 100% believed him that the conversation occurred and I 100% had NO recollection of the conversation. I was getting very frightened. When my husband asked me one day, “When was Freud born?” and I couldn’t answer it, I freaked out. I had been studying Freud for 7 years. How the heck could I have forgotten that? I couldn’t even give an estimated guess and when I finally did, I was off by about 70 years. What the hell was happening to me??
Knowing that Lupus can affect the brain, I expressed my concern about my memory lapses to my Rheumatologist. I told him that I was constantly forgetting things. I forgot important conversations, dates, things on my to-do list, and I was having a terrible time recalling simple words. I explained how I sat in the kitchen for about 3 minutes trying to remember the word “pork.” I kept saying, “It’s not chicken, not beef. It’s white meat. What the hell is it?” Finally, my son said, “Pork, Mom!” I felt so embarrassed. In fact, I wrote another post about my memory problems here (and yes, I just remembered that I have written about this before). My doc sent me for an MRI and it came back clean. Of course, I was thrilled that the MRI came back okay but it didn’t relieve my fears. After all, I AM forgetting so much regardless of what the MRI shows. Now it just means that there isn’t an easy explanation for it. It also doesn’t help me to know that the plaques and tangles that are indicative of Alzheimer’s can’t be seen in MRI’s AND that those plaques and tangles actually can begin to develop in the late 20′s to early 30′s. So while we are all going about our daily lives thinking our memory loss is due to being busy, it could very well be early stages of Alzheimer’s!! Yes, sometimes ignorance is total bliss!!
Well, my memory has not gotten any better. I actually thought for a couple days last week that it was getting better but it has gotten worse. For example:
- If it isn’t written down, I won’t remember it.
- I thought I had OCD because every single day when I leave my house, I either run back inside or turn my truck around and drive back home to check to see if I unplugged the curling iron. I only need to check once but I have NEVER left the house confident that I unplugged the curling iron. As hard as I try, I just can’t remember unplugging the damn thing. I talked with my professor about this and she thinks that it is a problem with attention and mindfulness, not OCD. That made me feel a lot better and since she told me that, I now verbalize out loud, “I am unplugging the curling iron now.” When I leave the house, I still don’t remember unplugging the curling iron but I do remember saying that I unplugged the curling iron so I don’t need to turn around and check again.
- My husband puts my daily pills in a little cup for me to take every morning. I often go to take my meds and find the cup empty then have to call my husband to ask if he put the pills in the cup because I don’t remember taking them.
- Yesterday, for a period of 5 minutes, I could not, for the life of me remember if my son’s birthday was on the 8th or the 28th of January. Then I started to wonder if January was the correct month. After 5 minutes, the 28th started to sound more familiar to me so I started to believe that was the correct date. (Yes, he was born on January 28th and thankfully, I didn’t need to get on Facebook to verify if that was the correct date like I thought I would have to do. Although typing that now, I am doubting myself again).
- Yesterday morning, I went Christmas shopping. I was going to get my MIL a gift card for Joann Fabrics. I went to TJ Maxx and found something in the jewelry case that I liked for her and spent a full 15 minutes holding the item in my hand, pondering if that was a better gift. I decided it was and was thrilled with my purchase. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I said to myself, “Shit! I forgot to get my MIL her gift! Wait? Didn’t I just get her something? Yes. I got her the jewelry. Didn’t I?”
I really don’t know what is going on with me but something is definitely wrong with my memory. My doc said he doesn’t think natural supplements work to improve it and although I tried Luminosity.com, I never remember to go to the site. I am trying to be more mindful. I am trying to rely LESS on lists because I know that by leaning on that crutch, I am not exercising my brain enough. Why would it have to remember if I write everything down for it? But I am so scared to forget something!
How about you? Have you had any memory problems or do you have any ideas for improving memory? If so, leave a comment now before you forget! =)
Related articles
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- This is your brain on exercise (vitals.nbcnews.com)
- 5 Signs of Alzheimer’s that You Might Not be Aware Of (assistedlivingtoday.com)
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Drowning
Lupus flare ups,
Broken backs,
Behind in school,
Mom, I have a bowling match!
Legal advice,
3 days of training,
Exams to study for
My strength is straining.
Keep telling myself
You won’t break!
Just 2 more weeks
For Christ sake!
And just when I think
I can get over this hump,
I feel the dreaded…
There’s a lump.
Doctor’s visit,
Mammogram set,
Blood pressure at
Its highest point yet.
I want to cry
But I have no time
To do much more
Than this fucking rhyme
A New Tattoo For “The Project”!!
My courageous friend Kathy sent me this information about her Survivor Tattoo. Thank you, Kathy!! It is gorgeous, as are you!! This has been added to “The Tattoo Project.” To learn more about it, visit the page by clicking on “The Tattoo Project” at the top of my blog.
My tattoo is of a butterfly with a pink ribbon as it’s body. The word “survivor” follows the outline of the upper part of the wings. It is my first tattoo and it symbolizes my journey through breast cancer. The tattoo sits upon my upper right breast, which was the one that had the tumor in it. I got it for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I wanted it to act as a conversation piece with the hope that others would see me as approachable to discuss their own diagnosis’ and battles. (I had always wanted a tattoo but was too much of a wimp to get one. After all I had endured during my battle against breast cancer, I figured I could probably stick needles in my own eyes – so I opted to get the tattoo!). I felt that I was not only “ready” but deserving of this tattoo. My 91 year old grandmother couldn’t understand why I would want to “mark up my body” in such a permanent way. I reminded her that the scars I have all over my chest from a chemotherapy port incision and a double mastectomy are permanent and I had no choice about those! This was something I had a choice about and it was beautiful. I had the tattoo done by Mariah Rose at White Tiger tattoo in Webster, NY. I will definitely get another tattoo….I just won’t tell my grandmother. 
Mommy Pains
My daughter got hurt in her college dance club a few weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because #1) I am so damn busy, #2) I originally thought there wasn’t much to write about, and #3) after there became much to write about, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by writing about it. But now after all we have gone through, I am hoping that instead of yelling at me, she will read this and say
Because really, I had a nervous breakdown over this whole thing. Twice.
She first called me about an hour after she fell.
C: Mom, I fell in dance and I am wondering if I broke a rib.
Me: What happened?
C: I was doing a back flip and
You were doing a back flip??? You don’t do back flips!!! Do you?
Well, I was being spotted. I have been doing them all along.
So, you were being spotted?
Yea. Well, I fell and I think I broke a rib because it really hurts.
Did you go to the health center?
No. I got the wind knocked out of me and I lied there for about 15 minutes then one of the girls walked me back to my dorm.
Go to Urgent Care and get X-Rays.
She went to Urgent Care. They did an exam of her back and said her spine is fine. They scanned her ribs and said no fractured ribs. She had a slight fever but other than that no issues except for the pain. They gave her pain meds and sent her home.
A few days later, she called me back saying she still has a fever and it still hurts. She went back to Urgent Care. They did blood work, an urinalysis, a strep test, and a flu test. She now had blood in her urine but all other tests came back negative. They took a CT of her kidneys to see if there was blood around them and found none. They gave her different pain meds and sent her home. They told her that if the pain gets worse or the fever doesn’t get better, she should go to the hospital.
She told me a friend of hers had the whole thing on video. I told her to send me the video.
Mom, are you sure you want to see it??
Caitlin, I am sure I DON’T want to see it but I am also sure that I SHOULD see it. As a mom and an EMT, it would be irresponsible of me to not see it. I want to see the Mechanism of Injury.
She sent it to me. As it turns out, I really didn’t want to see it. The picture is grainy but it was a phone video and really, it doesn’t matter. Enter nervous breakdown #1.
SHE LANDED ON HER FUCKING HEAD! The sight of my baby landing on her head, the sound of her crying, and knowing that they did not call an ambulance but instead WALKED HER HOME made me so sick to my stomach. I watched it and threw all of my homework on the floor and spent the next 2 hours crying in my bed trying not to puke.
The next day, I told her to go to the emergency room. Keep in mind, she is still away at college. I planned to drive out there but not knowing if she would be admitted or sent home, I decided to wait until we had some answers. Amazingly, she was okay with me not going with her since she had other friends with her from school, thank God! It killed me to not be there but I really was trying to be smart about all of this and not be the freakizoid parent that I truly felt like.
The wonderful doctor at the hospital looked at the scans from Urgent Care and realizing they didn’t scan her spine (and watching the video himself), he ordered a CT of her spine. TWO spinal fractures at T-10 and T-11. Also, a concussion and a bruised kidney.
At that point, I drove to the college and brought her home for two days. She is now in a back brace for 5 weeks and will need physical therapy.
Caitlin, I am soooooo proud of you!!!!! You have been sooooo brave and so strong during all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have thanked God (and all of my prayer warrior friends) that her spinal fractures were considered “stable fractures” in that there is no risk of spinal cord injury at this point. I have tried to stop my thoughts there. God, I have fucking tried. But two nights ago…
…nervous breakdown #2.
My mind went there. Oh my God, what IF she DIED?????? I have been doing my homework at the desk we put in her bedroom for the past week now. I can sit in a chair that is better for my bad back than the bed and I can close out the dog who licks himself like his penis will be his last meal. Well, that thought hit me while I was doing my work in her room.
I stopped working. I cleaned up her dresser a little bit. I looked at all of her cute little trinkets she has. I stared at the picture of her with her boyfriend. God, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Look at that smile! I played the Winnie-The-Pooh music jewelry box I gave her when she was two and watched Winnie dance in a circle. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. I finally made myself snap out of it when I realized that I was crying and I yelled at myself to knock this shit off. She IS okay! She DIDN’T die! Nicki, what the hell is wrong with you???
I am an EMT. I have seen horrible, horrible things. This video was not gory. There was no blood, no brains, no guts. And yet, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Thank God I didn’t see a video of my son getting hit by a car while on his snowmobile!
T’is The Season…
…to be thankful for what we have and to help those in need. I normally hang up on anyone who calls my home (or cell phone) looking for hand-outs. It isn’t because I am uncaring. Indeed, my heart bleeds for so many people that whenever I imagine what I would do if I won the lottery, there is never a dime left over for me…and never enough to give to everyone I want to help. My calculations go something like this:
I would pay off the homes of all of my sisters and brothers (including those that are in-laws).
I would pay to have and addition put on my house so my husband’s father can live with us and I would pay for the very best private nurses for him 24/7 (and by “best” I mean that they are truly devoted to promoting his needs of autonomy, competence, and companionship while physically caring for him).
I would donate a large sum of money to the fire department.
I would open a new state of the art nursing home that would be an all-inclusive wellness center as well as one that truly promotes the emotional well-being of each and every elder each and every minute of the day. The wellness center would be in the middle of a neighborhood of small ranch houses with huge kitchens. Each staff person would be thoroughly trained in the Eden tradition AND Self-Determination Theory. Each staff person would be made to be bathed by a staff member and depend on a staff member to go to the bathroom as part of their orientation training so they can gain a little bit of understanding. And each elder would have a person around the clock to serve as their personal companion whose sole purpose would be to provide company, companionship, and love. This person would have AN EQUAL VOICE (or a greater voice in some cases) in all of the care-related decisions for their companion. Each staff member would understand that if they want to work there, they are to truly believe that the home is the elders’ home and they are a guest in their home.
Then I would donate to all of the other charities I feel a bond with.
As you can see, I clearly need to win the lottery 20 times over (at least) to accomplish this!
So, instead, I donate 10-20 bucks here and there when I see something that is meaningful to me.
I always give to the Goodwill
I donate to the Caring Bridge site
I always buy fundraiser stuff if kids ask me. Same with Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. I never refuse them but my only rule is that they must come to me. I am not going to seek them out.
I donate when friends are looking for sponsors for fund-raising events.
I donate to blogs that have a “donate” button if I feel compelled to do so.
These are all small donations and although I wish I could do more, I know that every little bit helps. My latest donation is for a little girl in Florida who asked for a new hand for Christmas. Pull at my freakin’ heart strings some more, why don’t ya????? If you are interested in playing Santa to this precious girl, click here. If you want to know more about this little girl, go here. May God bless this family. I just know she will get her Christmas wish!!
Are there any charities you feel passionate about? What would YOU do with the money if you won the lottery??
October 29th
I have so much to do for school this week. A class presentation and a mid-term today, readings for today and Wednesday. Write-up of my intake interview I conducted with my “mock” client. A paper due in a week that I haven’t even begun to think about. Wait. That is not true. I have thought about it so much and, dreading it, I keep pushing it out of my mind. Until the next time the thought comes up.
I keep thinking of ways to occupy myself to avoid working on school stuff to alleviate the anxiety that accompanies my school to-do list. As we psychology geeks say, good ol’ negative reinforcement for procrastination!
I decided to give this whole situation some thought. WHY am I so anxious over all of this? WHY is it so hard for me to focus this time around? It kept coming back to that damned paper that I am terrified to write. And why am I so terrified? Because of the stupid APA format. I suck at APA and that alone has me not wanting to even think about the paper.
But WHY am I letting that get to me so much? I haven’t in the past. I have tackled everything head-on in the past so why am I cowardly avoiding it now?
Maybe it has to do with the physical pain I have been in for about 3 weeks now. The Lupus is out of control. I have new skin lesions all over, my skin itches all the time, even where there are no lesions, and my joints! They say that the human body has approximately 360 joints in total. I am not sure how accurate that number is but I am sure that however many joints there are in my body, I am feeling all of them right now. And the fatigue! Don’t get me started on the fatigue!
But I wasn’t sold that Lupus is the reason I am so unfocused today. And after realizing what day today is, I realized I was right. It is more than the Lupus (and the APA for that matter). Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
This day didn’t creep up on me like it has in the past. I have been saying for weeks now, “I have a class presentation and a mid-term on the anniversary of my mother’s death.” But I have said those words without the emotional affect that October 29th brings because until now, it wasn’t October 29th.
My Mom
My mother died 6 years ago today. I don’t care what time limits the fucking DSM-IV-TR places on grieving before it is no longer considered grieving and instead, considered depression. (The answer is 2 months. Yes, after 61 days, if you are still grieving, you are considered disordered). The fact of the matter is that I am NOT depressed (and no, I am not in denial about my depression so don’t go there) but I AM still grieving the loss of my mother.
Right now, in my mind, I am sitting on her hospital bed with my head on her chest. I can feel her body getting colder by the second but it feels so good to finally be able to put all of my weight on her without hurting her. And I am so sad and so angry at the same time. I never got to tell my mother all the private things we get to say to people in those moments before they die. I planned to and I know she would have heard and understood it all because she was completely lucid right up until she died. I was visiting her at the hospital with my sister-in-law. My plan was to take my sister-in-law home, get my pillow and blankets and go back to the hospital for some alone time with my mom. I selfishly didn’t share that plan with anyone because I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her, that I am sorry for all the times I didn’t visit her when I should have, and tell her that it is okay to go. That I was so proud of how strong she had been. I asked my mother if she was in pain. She said, “No, but I am so cold.” I gave her another blanket and kissed her head and told her I loved her. She said, “I love you too.” I whispered to her that I would be back in a little bit. She said, “Okay.”
She died 20 minutes after I left the hospital. I was so angry with her for dying without me there. I was so angry at myself for leaving. I should have stayed. My sister told me that if I stayed, Mom would have waited until I went to the bathroom or something to die. She is probably right. Then I got angry at my mom for being selfish that way. I wish she knew how much I needed to be with her at that moment. I wish I recognized that she had Cheyne-Stokes Breathing before I left. Thinking back, I did recognize her breathing pattern had changed but I didn’t name the pattern or make the inference of what that pattern meant. How could I have missed that?? I recognize it in my patients but I didn’t in my mom. I guess that is what happens when the person is so close to you. You don’t look at things objectively. You don’t say to yourself, “She has Cheyne-Stokes Breathing. The end is very close. I better stay.” I understand that but understanding doesn’t make me any less pissed off at myself for failing to connect the dots (or the gasps in this case).
I am not quite sure how the rest of today will pan out but I do know some things. I know I will get through my presentation just fine. I know I will have moments when I will forget what day today is. I know I will take my mid-term and not give a shit about the grade. Until tomorrow when it is no longer October 29th; then I know I will worry about the grade as I always do. I know my mom knows what I am still struggling with. I know that she is doing everything she can to take the pain away from me. And I know that the DSM-IV-TR doesn’t have a clue about grieving and I know it can go fuck itself.
School+Lupus+Life=Some Unforgiving Followers!
I feel like this horse.
The load is wayyyyy heavy!
I have not been on the blog-front in quite some time. Sure, I post here and there and I attempt to read up on everyone but I haven’t had the time to catch up the way I would like.
The result? Lost 33 (yes, I said, THIRTY-THREE) followers! Wow. I guess I am dispensable after all. :(
So, for those of you who are still following me, THANK YOU! I love you!! And if you are interested, this is what I have been up to.
School is taking up most of my time, attention, and energy. The rest is devoted to fucking Lupus.
I had the most bizarre thing happen to me the other day. I felt I was going crazy and any mental health professional would have had me committed.
My skin has been a little itchy lately but that is nothing new and I am usually able to ignore it long enough to get out of scratching. I avoid scratching at all costs because once I scratch, it is all over for me. Well, on this particular day (Wednesday), both of my thighs started to itch. I tried to ignore it. I tried some more. The itch got worse. Thinking it must have something to do with the jeans I just donned, I doffed them (firefighting terms). The itch turned to pain.
I applied some anti-itch cream from the dermatologist. The itch continued. I rubbed them lightly. The itch continued.
I scratched.
ALL FUCKING DONE!!!
The itching and pain got so intense that I screamed several times. I tried calling my husband but I couldn’t take my nails off my skin long enough to pick up the phone.
I scratched with my nails. I scratched with a dry hand towel. I scratched with a loofah. I scratched with a PUMICE STONE. I scratched with a WIRE BRUSH. Nothing worked. My legs were swollen and I didn’t give a shit. Imagining my thighs cut open with blood pouring out of them didn’t bring a sense of fear. Rather, it brought a sense of relief. I thought, if they are cut and bleeding, at least they will hurt and not itch (enter psycho mode)!
I screamed some more, threw some shit around my bathroom, then ran to the medicine cabinet screaming. I found the Benedryl. I poured a handful of pills in my hand and without thinking, started to put them in my mouth. Luckily, my Guardian Angel said, “um, Nicki…don’t overdose, you dumbass!” I took one. Four minutes later, I took another. Two minutes after that, I talked myself out of taking 2 Xanax.
Still screaming, I went back upstairs and started to brain-storm ways to scratch the itch away.
A razor blade!!!!!!!!!! YES, FOLKS, I WAS THAT INSANE THAT I LITERALLY THOUGHT A RAZOR BLADE MAY BE A GOOD IDEA! Luckily, my Guardian Angel didn’t leave me yet and again knocked some sense into my skull.
I ran the bath water as hot as I could. I slid into the scalding water and INSTANT RELIEF!!! Then I slept for 17 hours.
I can’t imagine what caused this but I pray it never happens again!!! My hubbie thinks that it was a Lupus response to the flu shot I got. Maybe he is right. All I know is that I never want to go through that again. Anyone watching me would seriously have thought I was a self-harmer, a pseudo-suicidal person, a full-blown whack-job. Hell, I was starting to think that!
So, that is what I have been up to. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods! If anyone with Lupus has some insight into this freakishly weird episode, do share!!!!
Related articles
- How to Relieve Eczema-Related Itching (myadvancedderm.com)
- Eczema Treatment Options (answers.com)
- Stopping the itch — new clues into how to treat eczema (eurekalert.org)
- Itch Relief Basics (sys-con.com)
- Lupus- [I'm] Stronger than ever! (thelupylady.com)
I Can’t Forget, Don’t Want To Forget, I Won’t Forget
As I sit at my computer and force myself to watch footage from the inhumanity, injustice, and cowardly acts of terrorism that rocked our nation 11 years ago, I am wiping tears from my eyes and fighting to keep the vomit in my throat from coming out of my mouth. Americans said we wouldn’t forget and we haven’t. At least I haven’t. There were times when I thought maybe I was starting to because as time passed, I could think back to that day without as much emotion as I felt in times past. But after watching this video today, I clearly have not forgotten. Every visceral reaction I had on that day, I have again right now. I am numb and yet I feel so much. My coffee tastes like shit and the half of a protein bar I had for breakfast is fighting to come back out of my body. I feel so much sadness and loss and even anger all over again. The only difference today is that I don’t feel fear. I am not afraid today but oh God, how I remember the fear I felt at about 8:45am on 9/11/01.
And just as my mother never forgot that she was hanging clothes on a line when Kennedy was shot, I will never forget what I was doing when those animals tried to destroy our nation and took so many innocent lives.
I had just sent my daughter to the bus stop. My fire department pager went off for an EMS job for my neighbor who had fallen. I remember being so scared for him because he was disoriented. I remember walking back into the house and telling my husband that I was scared for our neighbor and my husband responded with words that seemed to wipe THAT fear away immediately.
“Go watch the television.”
As I watched, the only thing I wanted to do was get in my car and bring my baby girl home from school and hold her and her 3 year old brother in my arms and never let them go. My husband convinced me that leaving her at school would be best. That bringing her home would only scare her. I agreed and I left her there and hugged my son as much as he would allow. When she got off the bus that afternoon, I cried all over again.
What were you doing when you heard or witnessed the news? Share if you would like!
My Children Are Amazing Teachers
Both of my children became freshman this year! My son starts high-school on September 5th and my daughter started her first year of college this past Monday. I am so proud! I am so excited for them! And I am so feeling something that I can’t name yet. I imagine if fear, heart-break, anxiety, longing, and uncertainty all had a big orgy, my feeling right now would be the love child of such event.
I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS COULD HAVE RELATED TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH THIS UNTIL THIS MOMENT. And to be honest, I am sick and tired of people who do not have children or whose children are not in college yet telling me that they know how I feel. I KNOW they are trying to offer me support through all of this and I appreciate the sentiments but really, you have no idea what this is doing to me.
I cry ALL.THE.TIME. I cry out of pride. I cry out of excitement. I cry out of missing my baby. I cry reading Dr. Seuss. I cry at the Subaru commercial (That fucking Subaru commercial). I cry when I remember the commercial about Peter coming home for Christmas! I cry at the idea that after college, my girl will be on her own. I cry out of anticipation of my son joining the Army after high-school. I cry out of worry that my babies will become they kind of adult child I became who didn’t visit Mom nearly enough. I cry out of regret for wasting my time and energy crying over the sad stuff when there is so much to be happy for. I cry that I am allowing my sad feelings to over-power my pride and excitement at times. Then I go back to thinking about the pride…and I cry all over again.
In short, I am a fucking train wreck.
(I am linking up with Mama’s Losing It this week to share what I have learned from my kids. If you would like to link up, go here or click on the button on my sidebar)!!
As I think about all that my children have learned and will continue to learn, I can’t help but think of all the things my children have taught me. Thank you, Caitlin and Chandler for teaching me that:
- My gut instincts as a parent are right. NO MATTER WHAT MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR OTHER PARENTS THINK, DO, OR SAY ABOUT ME.
- I was right to spend and entire summer reading the Bible to my kids while they whined and complained.
- I was right to tell my daughter “no” to wearing shorts with “cheer” printed on the ass.
- I was right to dump the Waffle Blocks back out on the floor and yell at my kids to clean them up after my Mother-In-Law cleaned them up as quickly as she could so they kids wouldn’t have to.
- I was right to force my children go to the hospital to say “goodbye” and to give kisses to their Grandma even though they were scared and felt uncomfortable.
- I was right to call my son home from a friend’s house to clean the spoon he left in the sink.
- I was right to go to work after my daughter was born
- I was right to quit my job when my kids were both very young to stay home with them.
- I was right to have my children grow up with dogs as pets (and tree frogs, hamsters, fancy mice, birds, fish, hermit crabs, geckos, a guinea pig, and fire-bellied toads).
- I was right to make my daughter work to earn money to buy her own bike when she was 5 years old.
- I was right to give my kids cell phones when other parents told me they were too young for them (it isn’t about spoiling them…it is about safety)!!
- I was right to show my kids the creepy picture of the pedophile that lives 2 streets over and make them commit that scary face to memory.
- I was right to explain to my young kids exactly what those sick bastards do to children in detail.
- I was right to talk openly with my children about sex and drugs.
- I was right to cry in front of my children
- I was right to demonstrate to my kids how imperfect I am
- I was right to drill it in their heads that there is NOTHING in the world that they can do that would make me love them any less.
- I was right to keep my judgments to myself and simply thank them for telling me somethings that were difficult for them to say.
- I was wrong to scream at them out of anger and frustration
- I was wrong to not bring them to see their Grandma more often simply because I didn’t feel like it.
- I was wrong to call my daughter a bitch on more than one occasion
- I was wrong some of the times I chose to sit in my room alone instead of in the living room with them.
- I was wrong for not cooking dinner because I was too lazy
- I was wrong to never have them wake up to a kitchen full of breakfast food.
- I was wrong to never have them come off the bus to a plateful of warm cookies
- I was wrong to allow even one day go by without telling them that they are the most important things in my entire life
- I was wrong to rationalize my behavior when I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to beat myself up each and every time I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to not be a better Christian role model for my children
- I was wrong to think that the joys of a clean house would help me overcome the hurt of my daughter being away.
- I was wrong to roll my eyes when people told me, “Cherish these moments because it goes by too fast.”
- I was wrong to play “Cat’s In The Cradle” over and over again this week!!
I Am A Big Pot Of Emo Stew But At Least My Blog Is Generating Some Income
So the past 18 years (plus 6,720 hours of pregnancy) all come down to this. The time when my baby flees the nest and probably will never return. Sure, she will be here on weekends when she has the time and is out of clean clothes and yes, I know she will come back during breaks but let’s get real here. She’s leaving. I can’t stop her nor do I want to. But I really don’t want her to go. But I do. And I don’t.
I am so proud of my beautiful baby girl! She has grown into a gorgeous young woman both inside and out. She leaves for college to earn her degree in psychology so she can become a Mental Health Counselor. Sure, she may change her mind but at this moment, she wants to pursue the same career as her mom and no matter what she ends up doing, this is a humongous honor to me.
After college, she will move out on her own. I know this because my husband has laid down the law with my kids years ago. ”When you turn 18, you will either be in college or in your own apartment.” It isn’t because he’s a cold-hearted man who doesn’t like his kids living in the house. It is because us Italian moms tend to hang on to our offspring like a hoarder hangs on to dead cats and he really feels that they should not be living with us when they reach menopause (or the male equivalent, whatever that is). So it is safe to say that aside from the breaks and occasional laundry runs, I have exactly 7 days and 6 hours left of my baby living at home.
I am so proud of her. I am so excited for her. And I am so fucking devastated and scared.
And as pissed as I am that I am resorting to clichés, cherish the time with your kids because it really does go by way.too.fast!!! I used to think that I would celebrate this moment in time and although I am, I am also deeply mourning what I am about to lose. And now I am crying. Fuck.
Too bad if you don’t want a kiss. Suck it up!!!
On the brighter side, I won’t need to deal with THIS on an hourly basis. ”MOM! I ALWAYS CLEAN UP MY MESS!” As I sit here looking at
Bowl with powdered sugar that has been on the computer desk for 2 (or 3?) days now because I refuse to pick it up.
Her stuff still on the kitchen table after 6 days
Stuff left on the love seat after yesterday’s shopping trip. Okay, I don’t really mind the bag but the rest can go.
Her work shirt on the computer desk.
The water cup! She has these things planted all over the house every day.
Awww…who the hell am I trying to kid. We all know that I will clean this stuff up myself because it is her last week here and I don’t want to ruin it and I will end up missing all of this shit when she is gone. The absence of it will remind me that my baby girl is moving on in life.
Caitlin, if you are reading this, don’t even consider for a second moving out of NY State at any point in your life!! I am not sure I could handle that at all. Damnit…never mind that. If your dream is outside of NYS, you have to follow it. But don’t you dare for a second even think of going one week without calling me!!!!
In other news, my brain MRI came back clean. Yes, this is terrific news but I still have this minor issue of short-term memory loss and I am pretty certain it is Alzheimer’s and that doesn’t show up on an MRI. So we have accomplished absolutely nothing in relieving my anxiety there. Okay, I lied. I AM glad that it’s not a tumah.
Oh!!! I go back to school full time beginning Sept. 5th to get my Masters after an 8 month medical leave. I am pretty sure that obtaining this degree will put me in my grave. Please frame my degree and attach it to my tombstone. I want everyone to see that damn piece of paper!!!!
On a good note, I checked the earnings of my ads for my blog and I have earned $2.49 so far. That averages to exactly (sorry if I am bragging. I am just so excited) $0.0017292 per hour. I really need to get working on ordering my Nobbleheads because the time is coming up quick when I will be able to afford them! For those of you who are not familiar with the Nobblehead, please read the “About” page on my blog.
My FINAL 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update
Hey everyone!! Sorry about the delay in posting this. If you read my last post, you would understand why I didn’t do this sooner. But I am feeling much better now so I decided to, you know, carpe diem!
I know that I did a “before video” and I really wanted to do an “after video” as well. Okay. That is a total lie. I HATE doing videos. I hate how I look and how my voice sounds in them and to be honest, I am NOT comfortable posting a video while wearing shorty shorts and a bikini top.
BUT I WAS GOING TO DO ONE, I SWEAR!!
Although I only received a few comments on my blog about my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge (thank you so much to those who left comments! I truly cherish all of them), I have also received emails, private messages on Facebook, and have had some good old fashioned face -to-face conversations about my posts! I am truly touched by the support, the kind words, and mostly by those of you who have told me that I am an inspiration for you. Wow. I really wasn’t expecting that at all and what a blessing that is for me! You all rock!!!!!
So, although I loathe making videos of myself, I decided that I owe it to my readers to do a follow up video. But the G Damn, mother effing piece of shit crap that I own is determined to put me through a living hell today. I got all ready…put my hair in a ponytail, put on the shorty shorts and bikini top, even a little lipstick for good measure. I plugged in the NEW camera with the EMPTY 64 GB (or whatever size it is. You know, the big expensive one) SD card and the damn thing kept telling me, “the video section of the memory card is full. Can not record videos. ” I put the card on the computer several times to erase what wasn’t there. I dicked around with the camera to erase what wasn’t on it. The thing is still telling me the same thing. And since I can’t take a picture of myself very well, you are all out of luck.
I really am sorry about that. I promise you that I spent an hour trying!!
But! I DO have my results so don’t leave me!!
The very best thing I have gained from doing this challenge (aside from learning that I have been an inspiration to others because that is huge) is feeling healthier overall. My lupus symptoms have diminished so much! I still have pain and fatigue but it really is nothing compared to how I felt before all of this. I was THIS CLOSE (my thumb and index finger are almost touching right now) to either being put on Prednisone or increasing my chemotherapy in the beginning of July and the thought of either of those scared the shit out of me. But because of eating a cleaner diet and exercising 5-6 days/week, my meds were not changed at all and my doctor actually wrote on my “to-do list” he makes for me, “Keep up the exercise! Good job!”
For those of you who keep telling me, “Don’t lose any more weight, Nicki!” I want to say this. I truly appreciate that you are telling me I look good. I do. And I don’t feel like I need to lose any more weight. I am actually content with my body right now. However, if doing what I have been doing is going to keep the Lupus Monster under control, I will continue to plug away regardless of what I weigh. So, I want to thank you for telling me that I look good but please understand when I get defensive in reaction to those comments.
Some people have asked me about maintenance program for this diet and exercise regimen. My maintenance program is being mindful of how I feel and what the scale reads in relation to how I ate and if I exercised that day. If I feel good and the scale is kind to me, I allow myself a bit more of the healthy stuff or a slice of pie. If I feel like shit and the scale calls me a whale, then I am strict for the next week. Overall, I am allowing myself to have my little indulgences but for the most part, I am sticking to the diet and still waiting for Saturdays to cheat. I have cut out the 20 minute cardio before breakfast but I still do weights 5 days/week with cardio following.
So…here are the numbers!!
Start Weight (on 7/2): 136
Today’s Weight: 127.8 (Lost 8.2 pounds)
Pant size on 7/2: 8-10
Pant size today: Mostly 6. One pair I tried on had to be an 8.
Hips on 7/2: 39 inches
Hips today: 35.5 inches (Lost 3.5 inches)
Upper thigh on 7/2: 24 inches
Upper thigh today: 22.75 inches ( lost 1.25 inches)
Waist on 7/2: 30 inches
Waist today: 27 inches (lost 3 inches)
Bust on 7/2: 36 inches
Bust today: 33.5 inches (lost 2.5 inches…good luck finding a bra that fits that)
Saddle Bags on 7/2: 41 inches
Saddle Bags today: 39 inches (lost 2 inches)
I hope those of you who felt inspired stay that way! If you have setbacks (and you will), know that you can pick it right back up the next day! And, very importantly, remember that if you weigh yourself the day following your cheat day, you WILL be 2-4 pounds heavier than the day before. IT IS OKAY! Cheating after you are very strict with your diet and then resuming your strict diet after your cheat day actually boosts your metabolism and within 3 days, you should be below your pre-cheat day weight…if you stick to the diet and exercise. If it really bothers you, DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF UNTIL 3 DAYS AFTER YOUR CHEAT DAY!
Here is a laugh for you!
As always, I appreciate your feedback!
Related articles
- Time For Another Challenge Update (thenlistblog.com)
- Weight And Size Update!! (thenlistblog.com)
- Sorry, No “Before” Pics (thenlistblog.com)
- Another 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update!! (thenlistblog.com)
My Top Ten Rants Of The Week
#10: If you walk past that receipt on the floor one more time without picking it up, you will eat it for dinner.
#9: As surprising as this may seem, you really don’t HAVE to wait until I turn into Medusa having a conniption in order to empty the dishwasher and clean your dishes in the sink. I am sorry if I somehow confused you on this point.
#8: Remember when I said my husband works 12 hours/day in a shop that is about 100 degrees and then you said, “Well IIIII stare at a computer for 8 hours a day!!!” Yea, HOW IS IT THAT YOU BELIEVE THERE IS ANY COMPARISON HERE?
#7: Why do I have to get my period just before I am about to do a final “My 4 Week (Not Weight-Loss) Challenge” post?? That post will be put off some more (I bet this whole post is making sense to you now)!
#6: Stop saying that this whole post is because I have my period or I will punch you in the face!
#5: Dear MVP, I received your letter stating that my MRI was denied…after I was told by the imaging group and my doctors office that it was approved. Please let me know if it was really denied so I can go UNdo the test.
#4: My opposition to the Healthcare “Reform” has NOTHING to do with me being a cold-hearted bitch and not wanting people to be healthy.
A cheap shot and a stupid one at that.
#3: Dear Husband, why do you leave my truck smelling like McDonald’s french fries when I am on a diet? I don’t leave your car smelling like sex when you aren’t getting any!! Let’s be fair now!
#2: Apparently it also ensures that you will judge people of all religions as being stupid or ignorant. The irony here is hysterical.
And the #1 rant of the week: When you insult me with your political and religious comments, you are exercising your American right to free speech but when I share my strong views, you call me out on my unChristian ways. I am sick and tired of Christians being told that they are acting unChristian-like when they voice the things we are passionate about. GET A NEW DEFENSE ALREADY PEOPLE!!! Maybe if you took the time to learn a little more about Christianity, you would know that Christians are not perfect and just like any parent, God knows His children are not perfect yet He loves us just the same!
Dream
I was sitting in a hospital chair receiving one of many chemo infusions. I was pleasantly surprised at how UNsick I felt and when it was time for my next infusion, I thought, “I really don’t know what all the hullabalu is about. This is a piece of cake.”
It seemed like instantly, it was time for my next infusion. For some reason, it wasn’t chemo this time. It was radiation. In an IV port? Um, okay. I accepted the drug, high on my horse about the fact that I will feel awesome when this is all done.
The nurse gave me 12 chewable disks that looked and tasted like chocolate Necco Wafers.
Ohhh….candy too! I chowed them and started to stand up. The nurse advised me to sit down because I was going to feel sick soon. I read the wrapper of the candy-like discs. ”Indications: To treat extreme nausea and vomiting after chemotherapy. Adults: 9 disks”
WTF? I looked at the nurse and felt the blood drain out of my face.
So, I am going to feel really crappy really soon, huh? I mean, the fact that you are giving me these is enough but the dosage is 9 and you gave me 12.
She nodded. She added that there are sleeping aids in the discs too so that hopefully I will sleep off the nasty effects I am about to experience.
My fire pager went off for a call near my house. I started to wake up and realize HOLY CRAP. THAT WAS ONE CRAZY DREAM!!! But when I tried to get out of bed to get dressed for the call, I felt so tired…as if I was drugged. I remembered the Necco Wafers and told myself I shouldn’t go on this call so I went back to sleep.
The pager went off again and this time, I realized that even the Necco Wafers was a dream. I got dressed and went to the scene but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being drugged.
Yea….I am really looking forward to my upcoming MRI and I am not sure I will want Necco Wafers for a while!!!
Related articles
- NECCO website gets sweet makeover (bizjournals.com)
- Lupus and Benlysta – After 11 months and 12 infusions it is a milder, gentler monster (lupusadventurebetweenthelines.wordpress.com)
- Last Night I Dreamed (thedailysisterhood.wordpress.com)
Time For Another Challenge Update
I am on day 25 of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Although there are days when it IS a challenge, overall, it has not been bad at all. Here is a break-down of how things are going.
Discipline: If you remember, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight loss. For the most part, keeping that goal of staying disciplined in mind has helped me to stay focused. When I think of it as a weight loss challenge, I find excuses to eat that extra piece of macaroni or skip a morning cardio. However, I won’t lie. It has been tough to stay disciplined this week especially when the numbers on the scale keep going down. I still do my weights 5 days/week with a 30+ minute cardio following. I still do not eat what is not on the diet and save cheating on my diet until my scheduled cheat day FOR THE MOST PART.
This past week, we had 2 grad parties to go to. Since Saturday was my cheat day, I was perfectly happy with eating the Italian sausage with the roll, the macaroni salad, and the two pieces of cake. I was in my glory! Sunday was NOT my cheat day, however, and I ate a turkey sandwich and some ziti that day. I also had some fruit with chocolate from the chocolate fountain, and some chips and dip. I am not sure what happened that day; I just didn’t care. I also have been skipping my morning cardio more days than not. I keep telling myself that if I stick to my diet and add more time to my cardio following my weights, it is okay. And as far as the scale goes, it IS okay. But again…this is a challenge in DISCIPLINE! Damn.
Results:
Starting Weight: 136 lb.
Today’s Weight: 129 lb. I HAVE NOT WEIGHED UNDER 130 POUNDS IN ABOUT 11 YEARS!!! I am really happy about this!
Upper Thigh: 23 inches (down 1 inch total and .5 inch from last week)
Hips: 36.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total but the same as last week)
Waist: 27.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total and .5 inch from last week)
Bust: 34 inches (down 2 inches total and 1 inch from last week)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40 inches (down 1 inch total but same as last week)
Doesn’t it figure that my ass stays the same size but my boobs get smaller?!
Lupus Symptoms:
I still have some pain and my fatigue is some days worse than others but overall, I have much more energy and much less pain! I was so happy to go to the doctor this past week! Before I started this whole thing, I was dreading the appointment because I knew he would need to increase my medications and I didn’t want that. I am totally convinced that this exercise and cleaner diet has altered that course! My meds stayed the same and I am thrilled!! I don’t know what Remission feels like but I know that I am closer to it now than I have been in 6 years!
AND….ONLY 2 MORE DAYS TIL CHEAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahooooooo!!!!!!
Related articles
- Another 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update!! (thenlistblog.com)
- My (NOT Weight Loss) Challenge (thenlistblog.com)
- Day 5 Of My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge (thenlistblog.com)
- Sorry, No “Before” Pics (thenlistblog.com)
- Weight And Size Update!! (thenlistblog.com)
Short and Sweet
129.2 pounds today! Under 130 pounds for the first time in about 11 years!!!
Since today isn’t my “official” day to do a complete update (I have been doing them every 8 days), that is all I have for now. More to come in a couple days. =))
God Hear My Prayer
Dear God,
I pray that You make Your presence incredibly obvious to these families and friends during this tragic time. God, please be with the emergency responders as they work through the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings they experienced and will continue to experience for a very long time. I pray that everyone will feel a sense of peace soon. God, thank you for keeping my own children safe while they were at the midnight showing of this movie here in our town.
In Jesus’s Holy name,
Amen
James Holmes, may God have mercy on your soul.
Even The Dog Is Celebrating!
My daughter’s High School Graduation party is this Sunday. Although the sheer number of people attending is overwhelming and this is expensive as all hell (she has 80 that replied yes so far), at least I don’t have to make up stupid kid games for them! We have a pool and we rented a tent, a dunk tank, 10 tables, and 40 chairs. We have Can Jam and Frisbee for them to play. They will have a bonfire when it gets dark. I have ordered a sheet cake and have arranged for the party to be catered. So, it seems that graduates only need parents to shell out a lot of $$$ but after that is all said and done, the party should pretty much run itself!!
I did good getting this all in order and I am proud of myself. I even made sure we had one last finishing touch.
Izzy is wearing the school colors for her big sister’s party!
She is so excited!
The best part…The school letter on her butt!!!
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Weight And Size Update!!
I have completed 8 full days of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge! Only 22 days to go!! I soooo can do this!!!!
I thought you might like a comprehensive update. I hope all of my updates can be this inspiring!
Discipline: I actually am doing well but I seem to have a problem getting all of my meals in during the dayon occasion. This isn’t because I don’t want to eat or feel too full (although yesterday, I had to force down the pre-workout yams). I just run out of time some days and skip a meal. So much going on in life! Yesterday, I was grocery shopping during the time I should have been eating lunch and I can’t just go up to a counter in the cafe at Wegman’s and say, “Can I please have 15 shrimp with cocktail sauce and 6 baby carrots?” I ate lunch as soon as I got home but my then it was supposed to be time for my snack. I think you get the picture here.
I have not cheated other than my cheat day and that damn lick of frosting I mentioned in this post. By the way, that crack frosting? It is STILL in the fridge UNTOUCHED! I think my daughter is leaving it there for me as some sort of bait!!
The family had tacos for dinner last night. I LOVE taco meat!!!!! I am such a carnivore!! I actually thought to myself, “Nicki, the taco meat is just ground beef with some seasoning. You are going to make ground beef after your workout anyway so just eat this awesome stuff right here!” Then I reminded myself that ground beef covered in wonderful taco seasonings and sauce is NOT on the diet and this challenge is about DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss!! So I drank some coffee and removed myself from the evils within the kitchen.
Workouts: I found that the I-am-a-hamster-running-on-a-damn-wheel feeling is not present and the time flies by if I do the following. Play music from my computer from my iTunes account. Look at a group of songs, and find out when to stop my workout based on how long the song is. I love when there is a longer song in the mix. Then I am all “Sweet! I only have to do this for 5 songs!!”
This is soooo much better than looking at a watch or the screen of the machine to see how long I have been on it. My whole time is spent convincing myself that if I wait longer to look at the time, then it will be time to be done by the time I actually look. Then when I do look, and realize I am not even half-way done yet, I want to die. This is never an issue with the music! I play the music loudly, close my eyes, and get totally lost in the songs.
Weights and Measurements: The moment you have been waiting for, I am sure!!!
On 7/2 (first full day of challenge):
Weight: 136 lbs
Top of right thigh: 24 inches
Hips: 39 inches (although I am thinking now that this may have been wrong. It must have been 38 inches)
Waist: 30 inches
Bust: 36 inches
Ass/Saddlebags (THE GROSSEST PART OF MY BODY): 41 inches
This morning:
Weight: 132.8 lbs (down 3.2 lbs)
Top of right thigh: 23.5 inches (.5 inch smaller)
Hips: 37 inches (2 inches smaller??? This is why I think I measured wrong last time. I doubt I lost 2 inches in my hips already).
Waist: 29 inches (1 inch smaller)
Bust: 35.75 inches ( quarter of an inch smaller)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40.5 inches (.5 inch smaller) YAYYYYYYYY!!!!
Physically, I feel like I got hit by a bus this morning but I do feel more fit already and I have not had any issues with the bulging disk in my back this week!!!!! I do have more energy. My son even commented on how I seem to have all this energy now.
I woke up yesterday with Lupus headache but I got right to working out and by the time I was done, I could move my neck and the pain was only a small annoyance!!
Mentally: I feel fantastic!!!!!!! I am so proud of myself for not eating that damn taco meat!!!!!!!
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Day 5 Of My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge
I am patting myself on the back right now.
Since I began my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge on Monday, I have not cheated more than one teaspoon of peanut butter and one lick of frosting (more on the frosting in a few minutes).
Day one was easy to follow because I was pumped. Also because my diet has 6 small meals a day and since I only ate 2 large meals/day before this challenge, it seems like I was always eating! I do eat often; every 2 hours.
Day two was not bad at all…nothing to report.
Day three? I wanted to pig the fuck out and skip my cardio. I was feeling the exhaustion and I wanted something buttery!! But I reminded myself of my goals and it got easier!
Yesterday was day 4 and I totally nailed it. Did everything right and reminded myself that Cheat Day is Saturday! Woohoo!
Today is day 5. I lost 3 pounds so far! I am totally okay with sticking to my diet today because I know that I can eat whatever I want tomorrow. This is good because we are going to my daughter’s college orientation and it will be hard to stick to the diet while I am out.
But a couple glitches were thrown my way and I am having an anxiety attack now.
My friend called and asked me if we were still on for tonight. I have it in my calender that she and I are going to the movies. I am fine with that. I never want the popcorn. Give me coffee and I am happy as a pig in shit. She said, “Dinner and drinks.” Which translates to Maria’s.
For those of you who do not live around these parts, Maria’s is unarguably the best damned Mexican Restaurant near me. People have tried to argue with me about this and they lose every time. If I have to drag your ass to Maria’s and shove the Holy Moly with the guacamole down your throat (I don’t care if you don’t like avocados…it is THAT good), force a beef burrito enchilada style down your throat while you are still trying to swallow the Holy Moly then funnel the pomarita down your gullet to prove to you that it is the best, then damnit, I will do just that. And in the end, you will tell me just how fucking right I was. Period. End of discussion. But beware…Maria’s has a “3 Margarita Limit” for a reason!!!! They are oooohhhhh soooooo good and so damn strong.
I am trying to figure out how to do this. Saying “no” to Maria’s is simply not an option. For starters, did I mention that the food is really good there and the Margarita’s are even better? Second, it is a tradition that Meg and I go to Maria’s. We always go there when we go out. One time the place was closed when we pulled up and we literally sat in the parking lot and stared at each other for 5 full minutes in silence with tears in our eyes. Finally Meg broke the silence and said, “Now what the fuck are we going to do?” It took us another 8 minutes to decide on another restaurant and we were miserable bitches to the poor waitress.
“Ma’am, I KNOW this is an Italian Restaurant but is it too much to ask for a Holy Moly with guac, a Pomarita and a beef burrito enchilada style? This IS America, after all. We are not REALLY in Italy!!”
Meg and I have recruited an uncountable number of people to this place. It is like a fucking Maria’s cult and we are the leaders. When we go there, the waitress doesn’t even ask us what we want. She just brings us our orders. If I go with someone other than Meg, the waitress gets all sorts of confused but she still nails my order every time.
So, this is one time when I MUST cheat. I have decided that although I have stuck with my diet awesomely today and although I will be away from home tomorrow, my cheat day will be today instead of tomorrow for this week. I can still make this work.
Shit! Next week is Caitlin’s grad party. On Sunday. It is being catered. That means my cheat day will have to be Sunday instead of Saturday. That means that there will be 8 days in between cheat days instead of 6!!!!
I need a Xanax.
One last thing before I sign off here…
Yesterday, my daughter found a cookbook.
Thank you, Caitlin. This will go fantastically with my diet.
Today she made cupcakes for the staff at work. Lemon cupcakes with a strawberry cream cheese frosting. I told her to be sure she takes ALL the cupcakes to work. She promised she would. I wish my daughter wasn’t a big fat liar.
9 left on the toaster oven after she left for work.
I told her to make sure she cleaned out the bowl that she made the frosting in so that I wouldn’t want to lick it clean (I already had one lick). She said she did. She didn’t lie. She did. But in the fridge…
About half a gallon of the shit!!!!
I opened the lid to look at it.
Made with fresh strawberries and cream cheese!!!!! It is so pink and pretty!!!
I know…this is not her fault. Nicki, accept responsibility and do not place blame!
I did not cheat. I had none (aside from that one lick I just mentioned)!
And I know one graduate who won’t be having a graduation party for torturing her mother!
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How Changing My Goals Helps Me In Achieving Them.
I am going to say something here that will rub people the wrong way. Some of you who I consider to be my friends (either in person or in Blog Land) will disagree or start to feel the rage build up inside of you and I am okay with that. Why? Because I am responsible for my feelings and you are responsible for yours. Also because I believe that there is truth to what I say and I would rather be hated for being honest than liked for being fake. If you know me personally, you know that I live by these beliefs every day. You probably even know this because you and I have gone toe-to-toe at least once and at times, it got ugly, didn’t it? But if you are reading this then it means that we worked through it and you still respect me (at least a little) and I can promise you that I still respect myself which is really all that matters to me. Keep in mind that I only speak for myself. I can’t speak for you or anyone else so what I have to say is all about what I think and feel.
I am NOT okay with being over weight. I know I am not obese but I at 5’1″ and 136 pounds, I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I look when I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I feel physically when the waist of my pants puts pressure on my gut and causes discomfort all the way up to my chest. I am not okay with how my digestive system acts when I am overweight. I am not okay with feeling like I am going to crap my pants in the middle of a meeting and then again an hour later while I am caring for a patient. I am not okay with my bra feeling like a bar is digging into my sternum. I am not okay with having indentations in my ankles an hour after I have taken off my socks. I am not okay with being short of breath because my body has to work harder to move me around and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AM NOT OKAY WITH FEELING LIKE I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I am not okay with blaming my weight on a long line of family genes. Yes, my whole mother’s side of my family was very overweight. They were all that way because of poor diets and lack of exercise, not because of genes. I am not okay with saying that I can’t workout and exercise because I have Lupus. In fact, having Lupus just means that I have to work harder and more often so that I stay mobile and my heart can stay healthy. Lastly, I don’t believe that anyone that is over weight is okay with it. I AM okay with overweight people. I do not believe anyone’s character should ever be judged by what their body looks like. But I am not okay with people lying to themselves because that is not healthy mentally or physically. It IS okay for people to not like aspects of themselves because that can lead to healthy changes. I believe it is easier for people to try to convince themselves and the world that they are okay with being overweight than to suffer the emotional upset of admitting that they are not okay with it and push themselves physically and mentally to overcome it. I believe that each and every person who says that they are okay with being overweight looks in the mirror in private and feels horribly bad (if they even allow themselves to look in the mirror). I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY WEIGH AND I BELIEVE EVERYONE OWES IT TO THEMSELVES TO BE HONEST AND DO THE WORK TO TRULY FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.
I have struggled with weight for most of my life. Although I am not anorexic (God, how could I ever turn my back on glorious food?) nor do I purge after my meals, I do binge. Binging in the absence of purging IS an eating disorder and I BINGE! I have to work every single day to not binge. I have to work every single day to avoid telling myself that I deserve to binge today because I did so well on my diet yesterday. People that watch me binge are amazed. They wonder how the hell I could scarf down 3 huge plates of pasta with sausage and meatballs all at once but I do it and I can do it often.
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have set a goal to lose weight but I can tell you that not only did I fail each and every time, i I also gained about 10 pounds as a result.
My first true success at losing weight was about 13 years ago. I walked into the gym and the owner asked me “How much weight do you want to lose? What is your goal?” At the time I was a size 16 (remember, I am only 5 feet tall) so I understood his confused look when I answered, “My goal isn’t to lose weight. My goal is to build upper body strength and endurance for firefighting.” As a result, I got stronger, I had more endurance, and I eventually lost 61 pounds and placed second in a bodybuilding competition.
My bodybuilding days are long gone and in the 12 years since I have competed, I have struggled with my weight over and over again. I never got as heavy as I was before but when I started buying size 12 jeans, I realized something. I was back to my old habits and within a year I would be wearing the size 16′s again if something didn’t change. So, I lost 12 pounds and have yo-yo’d over and over again.
It has been so easy to blame my lack of exercise on Lupus. It is easy to blame my eating crappy foods on Lupus. After all, if I am too exhausted to go shopping, how can I eat healthy?
But I am a control freak and I HATE feeling out of control of my life. I hate when I allow circumstances to make decisions for me. And I realize that I DO ALLOW THAT. I choose to take the easy route as many of us do. I choose to place blame rather than accept responsibility. And I just won’t tolerate that anymore. When I really thought about it, I realized that my goal was NOT to lose weight, look hot, or fit into a certain size pants.
My goal is to be in control of me. My goal is to not allow Lupus to make the rules. My goal is to not blame my fat ass on my mother and her mother and her mother. Yes, the SHAPE of my ass is in my genes but the SIZE of it is under my control. A “fat ass gene” simply does not exist. I want to be autonomous. I want to be the author of my life, not despite my circumstances but IN SPITE of them. I have choices each and every day to make and I want to make the right choices.
When I started my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge 4 days ago, I set an INTRINSIC goal rather than an extrinsic one. This means that I set a goal that comes from within me (intrinsic), not from outside of me (extrinsic). I set a goal that will feed my need to be autonomous and choiceful in my life (intrinsic) rather than a goal to look better or see a smaller number on the scale (extrinsic). And when I achieve this goal, you may or may not see me any differently. I may be more physically fit. I may look the same or I may even look bigger. Since I decided on a healthy way to achieve my goal, I am assuming I won’t look bigger and I am hoping I look more physically fit but either way, the benefits will be on the inside of me and they will last a very long time.
My goal is self-discipline; to be in control and in charge of me no matter what. This goal helped me a great deal yesterday. Yesterday was day 3 of eating and working out as if I were training for a bodybuilding competition. I felt exhausted and I wanted to pig out! I thought to myself, “Self, you did awesome for 2 days, you lost 2.6 pounds already, and you can totally skip 20 minutes of cardio today. Hell, you can even eat an extra spoonful of peanut butter. It isn’t going to kill you. It is still way better than what you were doing before this challenge!” Then I reminded myself the goal of my challenge. If my goal was to lose weight, I totally would have listened to that devil on my shoulder. But my goal is to be disciplined and listening to that devil would have proven to me that I really don’t take control of my life. As soon as that though entered my mind, I felt the energy to get on the elliptical and my craving for more food wasn’t nearly as strong. I woke up this morning and got right on the machine as I planned.
This challenge will not be easy. I know that. There may be times when I try to convince myself that my goal was stupid and I really am okay with being out of control at times. But that would be taking the easy route and I would be lying to myself.
I read a wonderful article that provides a brief guide to attaining your goals at the Healtdemystified blog. Click here to get this awesome information for free!!! I have to say that it is purely coincidental that I have many of the same points in my post as there are in his guide! I wrote my draft before getting caught up on some blogs and came across this one. I was floored that much of what I was saying in my post was said here!!
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Kamal Saleem: A Muslim Cries Out to Jesus
As a Christian, this filled my heart so much that I literally sobbed watching it. Praise God and praise Jesus!!!!!!!!! If you are not a Christian, I invite you to spend the next 8 minutes of your life watching this. May God richly bless all of you today and always!!!
I found this awesome video here:
Sorry, No “Before” Pics
Totally stuck to the diet and exercise plan today despite the fact that the fire department had a wonderful dinner of Italian sausage with peppers and onions, corn, salad, and SALT POTATOES for dinner. So proud of myself for not giving in!!!
I considered posting before pics for my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Then I changed my mind because I really don’t take good pictures. Then some people said I should and I started to think that if I don’t, I will regret it, especially if I look super hot after this is all said and done. Then everyone left the house except for my 14 year old son and there is NO WAY I am giving him a camera while I stand before him in a bikini top and my daughter’s shorty shorts. So….I have a video.
God this is sooooo embarrassing!!! Sandra, this is for you!!!!
As I said, this is not a weight loss challenge but we all know that I will be pissed off if I don’t lose any weight!
I mentioned my “stats” in the video. I forgot to mention that I am currently a size 10. Just sayin’ to keep with the full disclosure crap. It doesn’t get any more transparent than this, y’all!
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My (NOT Weight Loss) Challenge
I have been on a bit of an eating binge lately and I have not been exercising regularly. I have decided that I need discipline. Essentially, I am Cartman. Except even Cartman gets a workout.
When I trained for my bodybuilding competition in 2000, I was incredibly disciplined. I think I cheated on my diet 8 times total in my 16 weeks of hard-core training. And by “cheating” I mean that I only had ONE bite of something not on my diet. One extra teaspoon of reduced fat peanut butter or one teaspoon of icecream or 3/4 of an apple instead of 1/2.
People that didn’t understand bodybuilding (or me for that matter) judged me and they had no problem with putting their ignorant two cents in every single day. I was told that I was anorexic. I was criticized for eating only half of the apple. After all, apples are so good for you so why would eating a whole apple be cheating on a diet? I did my best to ignore them and persisted.
Now that I am not bodybuilding anymore, I don’t need to eat and work out as if I am training for a competition but for the next 4 weeks, that is exactly what I am going to do. Okay, not EXACTLY. My workouts won’t be AS intense but they won’t be taken lightly either. When you see the diet and the plan, you will most definitely say, “Why the hell would she want to do this, especially if she doesn’t HAVE to?”
I am doing it because I want to feel better. I want to feel stronger. I don’t want to be short of breath doing the simplest things. I want to BE PROUD OF MYSELF again. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO PROVE THAT LUPUS DOESN’T MAKE THE RULES; I DO! And…if I lose some inches as a result? BONUS!
This is a 4 week challenge in DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss. And because I hold myself accountable more when I share my goals with the world, I will be documenting my progress for all of you to see.
Today’s weight: 136 lbs. I don’t have a tape measure yet but after today, I will be documenting my measurements as well because that is more telling than weight.
The Exercise Plan
After my first cup of coffee and before breakfast, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical 6 days/week and an abdominal workout 3 days/week.
After lunch or dinner (depending on the day’s schedule) Monday-Friday, a weight work-out then 20 minutes of cardio. No weight training on the weekends unless I skip a workout during the week.
The Diet (This was the diet I followed religiously while training)
Meal #1: 1 whole egg plus 2 whites with 1/4 cup of fat-free shredded chedder and salsa or Frank’s Hot Sauce
Meal #2: 1/2 protein bar, 1/2 apple (or 1/2 cup strawberries), 1 teaspoon reduced fat peanut butter
Meal #3: 15 large shrimp with cocktail sauce (or) 1 can plain Albacore Tuna with lemon juice, 7 baby carrots (or) 2 cups salad with fat-free dressing.
Meal #4: Repeat meal number 2
Meal #5: (Pre-workout meal) 2 ounces of chicken (two chicken tenders), 1 small yam, 7 baby carrots (no yam on non-weight training days)
Meal #6: (Post-workout meal) 3 ounces of ground beef, 1 cup cooked brown rice or whole wheat pasta, 1/2 cup of mixed vegetables (or) 1 cup broccoli (no rice/pasta on non-weight training days).
Unlimited water, unsweetened tea, coffee.
Condiments: Salsa, Frank’s hot sauce, ketsup, Splenda, cinnamon, non-dairy creamer for coffee, lemon juice, cocktail sauce, Pam cooking spray, and 1 teaspoon of olive oil for pasta.
SATURDAYS ARE CHEAT DAYS!!!!! ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING GOES!!! EAT WHATEVER I WANT AND AS MUCH AS I WANT!!!!!! This will not only keep me motivated but the carb-loading will jump-start my metabolism.
So there you have it. I will post my weight, measurements, how I feel physically and emotionally, as well as if and when (and how) I cheat on my plan. If I don’t lose weight or inches and I still stick to this plan, I have achieved my goal because again, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight-loss. But God, I hope I lose some weight too!!
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