Mommy Pains
My daughter got hurt in her college dance club a few weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because #1) I am so damn busy, #2) I originally thought there wasn’t much to write about, and #3) after there became much to write about, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by writing about it. But now after all we have gone through, I am hoping that instead of yelling at me, she will read this and say
Because really, I had a nervous breakdown over this whole thing. Twice.
She first called me about an hour after she fell.
C: Mom, I fell in dance and I am wondering if I broke a rib.
Me: What happened?
C: I was doing a back flip and
You were doing a back flip??? You don’t do back flips!!! Do you?
Well, I was being spotted. I have been doing them all along.
So, you were being spotted?
Yea. Well, I fell and I think I broke a rib because it really hurts.
Did you go to the health center?
No. I got the wind knocked out of me and I lied there for about 15 minutes then one of the girls walked me back to my dorm.
Go to Urgent Care and get X-Rays.
She went to Urgent Care. They did an exam of her back and said her spine is fine. They scanned her ribs and said no fractured ribs. She had a slight fever but other than that no issues except for the pain. They gave her pain meds and sent her home.
A few days later, she called me back saying she still has a fever and it still hurts. She went back to Urgent Care. They did blood work, an urinalysis, a strep test, and a flu test. She now had blood in her urine but all other tests came back negative. They took a CT of her kidneys to see if there was blood around them and found none. They gave her different pain meds and sent her home. They told her that if the pain gets worse or the fever doesn’t get better, she should go to the hospital.
She told me a friend of hers had the whole thing on video. I told her to send me the video.
Mom, are you sure you want to see it??
Caitlin, I am sure I DON’T want to see it but I am also sure that I SHOULD see it. As a mom and an EMT, it would be irresponsible of me to not see it. I want to see the Mechanism of Injury.
She sent it to me. As it turns out, I really didn’t want to see it. The picture is grainy but it was a phone video and really, it doesn’t matter. Enter nervous breakdown #1.
SHE LANDED ON HER FUCKING HEAD! The sight of my baby landing on her head, the sound of her crying, and knowing that they did not call an ambulance but instead WALKED HER HOME made me so sick to my stomach. I watched it and threw all of my homework on the floor and spent the next 2 hours crying in my bed trying not to puke.
The next day, I told her to go to the emergency room. Keep in mind, she is still away at college. I planned to drive out there but not knowing if she would be admitted or sent home, I decided to wait until we had some answers. Amazingly, she was okay with me not going with her since she had other friends with her from school, thank God! It killed me to not be there but I really was trying to be smart about all of this and not be the freakizoid parent that I truly felt like.
The wonderful doctor at the hospital looked at the scans from Urgent Care and realizing they didn’t scan her spine (and watching the video himself), he ordered a CT of her spine. TWO spinal fractures at T-10 and T-11. Also, a concussion and a bruised kidney.
At that point, I drove to the college and brought her home for two days. She is now in a back brace for 5 weeks and will need physical therapy.
Caitlin, I am soooooo proud of you!!!!! You have been sooooo brave and so strong during all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have thanked God (and all of my prayer warrior friends) that her spinal fractures were considered “stable fractures” in that there is no risk of spinal cord injury at this point. I have tried to stop my thoughts there. God, I have fucking tried. But two nights ago…
…nervous breakdown #2.
My mind went there. Oh my God, what IF she DIED?????? I have been doing my homework at the desk we put in her bedroom for the past week now. I can sit in a chair that is better for my bad back than the bed and I can close out the dog who licks himself like his penis will be his last meal. Well, that thought hit me while I was doing my work in her room.
I stopped working. I cleaned up her dresser a little bit. I looked at all of her cute little trinkets she has. I stared at the picture of her with her boyfriend. God, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Look at that smile! I played the Winnie-The-Pooh music jewelry box I gave her when she was two and watched Winnie dance in a circle. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. I finally made myself snap out of it when I realized that I was crying and I yelled at myself to knock this shit off. She IS okay! She DIDN’T die! Nicki, what the hell is wrong with you???
I am an EMT. I have seen horrible, horrible things. This video was not gory. There was no blood, no brains, no guts. And yet, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Thank God I didn’t see a video of my son getting hit by a car while on his snowmobile!
Why I Love Sponge Bob
I love watching cartoons, especially now that I am in Grad school and I crave to focus on something that turns my brain to a big pile of mush. I don’t want to have to THINK ALL.THE.TIME!
I often hear people say that they hate Sponge Bob and to those people I say, “Get real, people!!!” How could you not like him? Because he is loud and annoying? If that is the case then you must hate children too.
I truly believe that those who say they hate Sponge Bob fall into one of two categories:
1) Either they secretly like him and refuse to admit it because they are putting on appearances.
OR…
2) The stick up their ass prevents them from sitting down long enough to give the poor Porifera a chance.
Seriously, if you don’t actually watch the show long enough, you miss out on scenes like this and that, my friends, is a shame!!
You are my hero, Sponge Bob!!
Yes, you heard him right….he said “C U Next Tuesday!!!”
My Children Are Amazing Teachers
Both of my children became freshman this year! My son starts high-school on September 5th and my daughter started her first year of college this past Monday. I am so proud! I am so excited for them! And I am so feeling something that I can’t name yet. I imagine if fear, heart-break, anxiety, longing, and uncertainty all had a big orgy, my feeling right now would be the love child of such event.
I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS COULD HAVE RELATED TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH THIS UNTIL THIS MOMENT. And to be honest, I am sick and tired of people who do not have children or whose children are not in college yet telling me that they know how I feel. I KNOW they are trying to offer me support through all of this and I appreciate the sentiments but really, you have no idea what this is doing to me.
I cry ALL.THE.TIME. I cry out of pride. I cry out of excitement. I cry out of missing my baby. I cry reading Dr. Seuss. I cry at the Subaru commercial (That fucking Subaru commercial). I cry when I remember the commercial about Peter coming home for Christmas! I cry at the idea that after college, my girl will be on her own. I cry out of anticipation of my son joining the Army after high-school. I cry out of worry that my babies will become they kind of adult child I became who didn’t visit Mom nearly enough. I cry out of regret for wasting my time and energy crying over the sad stuff when there is so much to be happy for. I cry that I am allowing my sad feelings to over-power my pride and excitement at times. Then I go back to thinking about the pride…and I cry all over again.
In short, I am a fucking train wreck.
(I am linking up with Mama’s Losing It this week to share what I have learned from my kids. If you would like to link up, go here or click on the button on my sidebar)!!
As I think about all that my children have learned and will continue to learn, I can’t help but think of all the things my children have taught me. Thank you, Caitlin and Chandler for teaching me that:
- My gut instincts as a parent are right. NO MATTER WHAT MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR OTHER PARENTS THINK, DO, OR SAY ABOUT ME.
- I was right to spend and entire summer reading the Bible to my kids while they whined and complained.
- I was right to tell my daughter “no” to wearing shorts with “cheer” printed on the ass.
- I was right to dump the Waffle Blocks back out on the floor and yell at my kids to clean them up after my Mother-In-Law cleaned them up as quickly as she could so they kids wouldn’t have to.
- I was right to force my children go to the hospital to say “goodbye” and to give kisses to their Grandma even though they were scared and felt uncomfortable.
- I was right to call my son home from a friend’s house to clean the spoon he left in the sink.
- I was right to go to work after my daughter was born
- I was right to quit my job when my kids were both very young to stay home with them.
- I was right to have my children grow up with dogs as pets (and tree frogs, hamsters, fancy mice, birds, fish, hermit crabs, geckos, a guinea pig, and fire-bellied toads).
- I was right to make my daughter work to earn money to buy her own bike when she was 5 years old.
- I was right to give my kids cell phones when other parents told me they were too young for them (it isn’t about spoiling them…it is about safety)!!
- I was right to show my kids the creepy picture of the pedophile that lives 2 streets over and make them commit that scary face to memory.
- I was right to explain to my young kids exactly what those sick bastards do to children in detail.
- I was right to talk openly with my children about sex and drugs.
- I was right to cry in front of my children
- I was right to demonstrate to my kids how imperfect I am
- I was right to drill it in their heads that there is NOTHING in the world that they can do that would make me love them any less.
- I was right to keep my judgments to myself and simply thank them for telling me somethings that were difficult for them to say.
- I was wrong to scream at them out of anger and frustration
- I was wrong to not bring them to see their Grandma more often simply because I didn’t feel like it.
- I was wrong to call my daughter a bitch on more than one occasion
- I was wrong some of the times I chose to sit in my room alone instead of in the living room with them.
- I was wrong for not cooking dinner because I was too lazy
- I was wrong to never have them wake up to a kitchen full of breakfast food.
- I was wrong to never have them come off the bus to a plateful of warm cookies
- I was wrong to allow even one day go by without telling them that they are the most important things in my entire life
- I was wrong to rationalize my behavior when I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to beat myself up each and every time I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to not be a better Christian role model for my children
- I was wrong to think that the joys of a clean house would help me overcome the hurt of my daughter being away.
- I was wrong to roll my eyes when people told me, “Cherish these moments because it goes by too fast.”
- I was wrong to play “Cat’s In The Cradle” over and over again this week!!
I Am A Big Pot Of Emo Stew But At Least My Blog Is Generating Some Income
So the past 18 years (plus 6,720 hours of pregnancy) all come down to this. The time when my baby flees the nest and probably will never return. Sure, she will be here on weekends when she has the time and is out of clean clothes and yes, I know she will come back during breaks but let’s get real here. She’s leaving. I can’t stop her nor do I want to. But I really don’t want her to go. But I do. And I don’t.
I am so proud of my beautiful baby girl! She has grown into a gorgeous young woman both inside and out. She leaves for college to earn her degree in psychology so she can become a Mental Health Counselor. Sure, she may change her mind but at this moment, she wants to pursue the same career as her mom and no matter what she ends up doing, this is a humongous honor to me.
After college, she will move out on her own. I know this because my husband has laid down the law with my kids years ago. ”When you turn 18, you will either be in college or in your own apartment.” It isn’t because he’s a cold-hearted man who doesn’t like his kids living in the house. It is because us Italian moms tend to hang on to our offspring like a hoarder hangs on to dead cats and he really feels that they should not be living with us when they reach menopause (or the male equivalent, whatever that is). So it is safe to say that aside from the breaks and occasional laundry runs, I have exactly 7 days and 6 hours left of my baby living at home.
I am so proud of her. I am so excited for her. And I am so fucking devastated and scared.
And as pissed as I am that I am resorting to clichés, cherish the time with your kids because it really does go by way.too.fast!!! I used to think that I would celebrate this moment in time and although I am, I am also deeply mourning what I am about to lose. And now I am crying. Fuck.
Too bad if you don’t want a kiss. Suck it up!!!
On the brighter side, I won’t need to deal with THIS on an hourly basis. ”MOM! I ALWAYS CLEAN UP MY MESS!” As I sit here looking at
Bowl with powdered sugar that has been on the computer desk for 2 (or 3?) days now because I refuse to pick it up.
Her stuff still on the kitchen table after 6 days
Stuff left on the love seat after yesterday’s shopping trip. Okay, I don’t really mind the bag but the rest can go.
Her work shirt on the computer desk.
The water cup! She has these things planted all over the house every day.
Awww…who the hell am I trying to kid. We all know that I will clean this stuff up myself because it is her last week here and I don’t want to ruin it and I will end up missing all of this shit when she is gone. The absence of it will remind me that my baby girl is moving on in life.
Caitlin, if you are reading this, don’t even consider for a second moving out of NY State at any point in your life!! I am not sure I could handle that at all. Damnit…never mind that. If your dream is outside of NYS, you have to follow it. But don’t you dare for a second even think of going one week without calling me!!!!
In other news, my brain MRI came back clean. Yes, this is terrific news but I still have this minor issue of short-term memory loss and I am pretty certain it is Alzheimer’s and that doesn’t show up on an MRI. So we have accomplished absolutely nothing in relieving my anxiety there. Okay, I lied. I AM glad that it’s not a tumah.
Oh!!! I go back to school full time beginning Sept. 5th to get my Masters after an 8 month medical leave. I am pretty sure that obtaining this degree will put me in my grave. Please frame my degree and attach it to my tombstone. I want everyone to see that damn piece of paper!!!!
On a good note, I checked the earnings of my ads for my blog and I have earned $2.49 so far. That averages to exactly (sorry if I am bragging. I am just so excited) $0.0017292 per hour. I really need to get working on ordering my Nobbleheads because the time is coming up quick when I will be able to afford them! For those of you who are not familiar with the Nobblehead, please read the “About” page on my blog.
Day 5 Of My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge
I am patting myself on the back right now.
Since I began my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge on Monday, I have not cheated more than one teaspoon of peanut butter and one lick of frosting (more on the frosting in a few minutes).
Day one was easy to follow because I was pumped. Also because my diet has 6 small meals a day and since I only ate 2 large meals/day before this challenge, it seems like I was always eating! I do eat often; every 2 hours.
Day two was not bad at all…nothing to report.
Day three? I wanted to pig the fuck out and skip my cardio. I was feeling the exhaustion and I wanted something buttery!! But I reminded myself of my goals and it got easier!
Yesterday was day 4 and I totally nailed it. Did everything right and reminded myself that Cheat Day is Saturday! Woohoo!
Today is day 5. I lost 3 pounds so far! I am totally okay with sticking to my diet today because I know that I can eat whatever I want tomorrow. This is good because we are going to my daughter’s college orientation and it will be hard to stick to the diet while I am out.
But a couple glitches were thrown my way and I am having an anxiety attack now.
My friend called and asked me if we were still on for tonight. I have it in my calender that she and I are going to the movies. I am fine with that. I never want the popcorn. Give me coffee and I am happy as a pig in shit. She said, “Dinner and drinks.” Which translates to Maria’s.
For those of you who do not live around these parts, Maria’s is unarguably the best damned Mexican Restaurant near me. People have tried to argue with me about this and they lose every time. If I have to drag your ass to Maria’s and shove the Holy Moly with the guacamole down your throat (I don’t care if you don’t like avocados…it is THAT good), force a beef burrito enchilada style down your throat while you are still trying to swallow the Holy Moly then funnel the pomarita down your gullet to prove to you that it is the best, then damnit, I will do just that. And in the end, you will tell me just how fucking right I was. Period. End of discussion. But beware…Maria’s has a “3 Margarita Limit” for a reason!!!! They are oooohhhhh soooooo good and so damn strong.
I am trying to figure out how to do this. Saying “no” to Maria’s is simply not an option. For starters, did I mention that the food is really good there and the Margarita’s are even better? Second, it is a tradition that Meg and I go to Maria’s. We always go there when we go out. One time the place was closed when we pulled up and we literally sat in the parking lot and stared at each other for 5 full minutes in silence with tears in our eyes. Finally Meg broke the silence and said, “Now what the fuck are we going to do?” It took us another 8 minutes to decide on another restaurant and we were miserable bitches to the poor waitress.
“Ma’am, I KNOW this is an Italian Restaurant but is it too much to ask for a Holy Moly with guac, a Pomarita and a beef burrito enchilada style? This IS America, after all. We are not REALLY in Italy!!”
Meg and I have recruited an uncountable number of people to this place. It is like a fucking Maria’s cult and we are the leaders. When we go there, the waitress doesn’t even ask us what we want. She just brings us our orders. If I go with someone other than Meg, the waitress gets all sorts of confused but she still nails my order every time.
So, this is one time when I MUST cheat. I have decided that although I have stuck with my diet awesomely today and although I will be away from home tomorrow, my cheat day will be today instead of tomorrow for this week. I can still make this work.
Shit! Next week is Caitlin’s grad party. On Sunday. It is being catered. That means my cheat day will have to be Sunday instead of Saturday. That means that there will be 8 days in between cheat days instead of 6!!!!
I need a Xanax.
One last thing before I sign off here…
Yesterday, my daughter found a cookbook.
Thank you, Caitlin. This will go fantastically with my diet.
Today she made cupcakes for the staff at work. Lemon cupcakes with a strawberry cream cheese frosting. I told her to be sure she takes ALL the cupcakes to work. She promised she would. I wish my daughter wasn’t a big fat liar.
9 left on the toaster oven after she left for work.
I told her to make sure she cleaned out the bowl that she made the frosting in so that I wouldn’t want to lick it clean (I already had one lick). She said she did. She didn’t lie. She did. But in the fridge…
About half a gallon of the shit!!!!
I opened the lid to look at it.
Made with fresh strawberries and cream cheese!!!!! It is so pink and pretty!!!
I know…this is not her fault. Nicki, accept responsibility and do not place blame!
I did not cheat. I had none (aside from that one lick I just mentioned)!
And I know one graduate who won’t be having a graduation party for torturing her mother!
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Awards, Rectums, and Uteri
Thanks, Six-Fingered Monkey!!
I have received another blog award!!! Thanks, Six-Fingered Monkey for picking me as one of 5 recipients, especially when there are so many award-worthy blogs out there!!!
I agree with Six that these blog awards are a bit like chain letters and when I get one, it is bitter-sweet. I LOVE that someone loves me enough to send me an award (or maybe they just sent so many awards to others in the past that they chose me to spare the bloggers they love more the hassle of following these blog rules). Either way, I appreciate the award because it will look so damn cool on my “Awards Page.” But when it comes to paying it forward, I do worry that the others are quietly telling me to suck it.
I am humbly accepting Six’s award with a tweek in the rules. This may ban me from all future awards!
The rules are:
In order to accept you must:
1. Post the rules on your blog (done).
2. Name 5 of your most fabulous moments (either in real life or in the blogosphere).
- When my kids were born. I know…cliche. Deal with it.
- When I competed in my bodybuilding competition
- When I earned my Bachelors in Psychology from an incredibly esteemed university (1 year ago)
- All the times I have responded to ambulance calls as an EMT and truly felt like I was helpful. This happens a lot less than you may think because most things are out of my hands.
- Watching my daughter drape her silver sash and red and gold cords around her graduation gown. That may have been THE proudest moment of my entire life.
3. Name 5 things you love.
- Coffee!
- My husband and my kids (yes, coffee comes before them).
- Being an EMT and the EMS Captain at the firehouse
- Being an artist (wishing I could do it more often)
- The thought of becoming a Mental Health Counselor in 2 years
4. Name 5 things you hate.
- Haters. People who hate GROUPS of people just for the sake of hating a group of people. I hate that group of people. I know….you don’t have to tell me about the irony here.
- The fear that I will not become a Mental Health Counselor in 2 years as planned.
- LUPUS
- That sleep is necessary. I do love to sleep but I hate that I NEED to sleep.
- When people mistreat the elderly and this includes treating them like children!!!!!!!
5. Pass the ribbon on to 5 bloggers and leave a comment notifying them of their win.
- All Work And No Play Makes Mommy Go Something Something.
- Colour the day
- Absolutely Narcissism
- We Work For Cheese
- If I Were God
So go check out these awesome blogs!!!!
If you received this award from me, here are your rules:
1) Copy and paste and conform to the rules above (or)
2) Toss the rules to the side of the road and do whatever the hell you want with it!!
Now…onto some more serious business. Rectums and Uteri. I am not sure if “uteri” is the proper plural for “uterus” but it isn’t underlined (so I am assuming it is spelled correctly) and it sounds way cooler than “uteruses” which, by the way, IS underlined.
I was visiting Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism (linked at #3 above) and she is taking part in a competition or event of sorts that is sure to make rectums and uteri fall out.
So, now I have a visual of asses and uteri on the side of the road. And I thought the occasional ‘possum or skunk was bad!
Today’s prompt for the 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese is “The side of the road.”
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I Have the BEST Daughter in the Solar System! (Mother’s Day Part 2)
This was waiting for me when I got home from the firehouse tonight from my daughter!!
AND SHE CLEANED THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!
She said I am the best mom in the world! Whether that is true or not (it totally is), it made me cry. She is the best daughter in the world!!! AND, I get another surprise tomorrow when I open the bag! I think it might be a puppy. Or a baby monkey.
Heath Bar cookies (Not HeaLth Bar, like I first thought it said) slightly under-baked to perfection!!!!!!!!! She made them herself!
Gorgeous flowers!!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!!! I LOVE THE CRAP OUTTA YOU!
THIS
REMINDS ME OF THIS
(Although I have seen the Time Magazine image a lot today, I first saw it on this page at the Blog called Random and Sundry Things).
An Awesome Mother’s Day Gift – I KNEW He Loved Me!
Ever since my son was 3 months old (and my daughter was 4), I have been a volunteer FF/EMT for the fire department. I love the snot out of it! Yeah, there is the cliche…I love knowing that I am helping others…but I love it for more selfish reasons than that. Reasons other fire/EMS people are less likely to share because, well, it makes them sound selfish. What are those selfish reasons I speak of?
- Being part of a family that will call me “Crack-Head” one minute and would kill to help me out in a moment’s notice the next.
- Being called “Captain”
- Feeling like I am a part of something bigger than me
- Having people pull over for me because at that very moment in time, I am pretty important and I have someplace to be in a hurry.
- THE RUSH
- The unpredictable nature of the job
- Pride in knowing that I can do such an unpredictable job
- Wearing the uniform (See #’s 3 and 7)
- Having an excuse to leave anxiety-provoking family events when the pager goes off (Sorry Honey, 911 is open 24/7 . There is nothing I can do about it).
- Feeling productive
- Knowing that if my power goes out at home, I always have a place to stay with a generator.
- Etc.
Our fire department has an explorer post and for a while now, I have been hoping my son would join it but really thinking that it was just wishful thinking. Over the past few weeks, I have been REALLY promoting the idea. He has acted very interested but when it actually comes time to walk away from the video game to observe a drill to see if he would want to join, he is all, “MOM! I don’t want to join!”
Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t force him to join but I KNEW that he only denied interest because of that damned video game. I KNEW that if he tried it out, he would like it.
Last night, my husband tried to convince him to go again. He dug his heals in and refused and there was nothing that could be said to change his mind….except…
My husband: ”Mom won’t bother you again about it but she is disappointed that you won’t try it.”
My son: ”I will try it tonight for her. It can be her Mother’s Day present.”
I was sooooooo excited that he agreed and sooooooooo touched that he didn’t want me to feel disappointed. I thanked him profusely and promised that if he didn’t like it, he would never hear another word from me about it again.
He liked it and wants to join!!!! He has no idea how much he is going to like being a part of something bigger than him.
