For Once I Am At A Loss For Words
As many of you know, I am a member of the West Webster Fire Department. This week has been the longest week of my life and yet, it seems like just yesterday, I was thanking Tomasz for supporting me and laughing at Chip’s goofy ways. I have so many thoughts that they are all scrambled and every time I try to put them in writing, words never seem to be nearly enough so I just give up. I know that I will write about the events of this week soon. I know I must in order to get it out there. I also know that I won’t be able to do it now. Two of my brothers and friends went into the ground this week because of a sick coward and the community has completely overwhelmed me in response. All I can say here is a message from my Mother-in-Law, “What the devil uses for evil, God uses for good.” Amen. More to follow when my thoughts get clearer. Stay safe, friends.
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Drowning
Lupus flare ups,
Broken backs,
Behind in school,
Mom, I have a bowling match!
Legal advice,
3 days of training,
Exams to study for
My strength is straining.
Keep telling myself
You won’t break!
Just 2 more weeks
For Christ sake!
And just when I think
I can get over this hump,
I feel the dreaded…
There’s a lump.
Doctor’s visit,
Mammogram set,
Blood pressure at
Its highest point yet.
I want to cry
But I have no time
To do much more
Than this fucking rhyme
A Little Flare
Unfortunately, I don’t mean this kind of flare.
I mean a Lupus flare.
I have pain everywhere today (thank you, SLE & SJS). I have new lesions (thank you, Discoid Lupus) and not only are they ugly but the one in my ear itches so bad!!
It is hard to see what they look like in the pics but I figured I would post them anyway because I know a lot of people stop here to check out what Lupus symptoms are like. Basically, they start out looking like pimples (even get infected like pimples which is why I used to think I just had really bad acne) but they itch sometimes. Sometimes they hurt. If I can remember to NOT scratch (or pick) them (hard to do because they itch and people usually scratch things that itch without even realizing), they will usually clear up within about 3-4 weeks. If I do scratch them, they stick around for up to 4-6 months or will actually scar.
Lesions that usually look like pimples but they itch. I always have a few around my ears as a rule.
- But now I am getting them on my forehead. Not happy.
That black thing by my ear is a scar from a lesion. It is a HOLE in my skin that will always be there. I have had it for about 3-4 years now. I have a new lesion IN my ear that itches like crazy! There are several scars inside my ears from lesions. Not sure why they form in the ears but I guess I would rather have the scars there where they can be hidden with my hair. Other lesions around my ear and on my neck.
To top it off, I won’t be getting my Methatrexate as scheduled this week because I didn’t get my blood drawn as scheduled. With school being so crazy and my daughter getting hurt…and me just being a neurotic in general, I completely forgot all about bloodwork. I finally went last week and as soon as I pulled in the parking lot, I realized I left my insurance card at home. I don’t know why I need to produce that thing every freakin’ time!!! I went home and didn’t go back out. Was way too tired. I decided to go again on Thursday. I pulled in the parking lot at 4:31 and thought I did awesome considering the place closes at 5! WRONG. 4 fucking 30! ONE DAMN MINUTE!!! So…I gave up and now I am just being stubborn and refusing to go until I feel like it.
I know a lot of my “Lupus Colleagues” are experiencing some pretty tough times right now, especially with the colder weather affecting the arthritis. I hope you all find relief soon!! Take care!!
A New Tattoo For “The Project”!!
My courageous friend Kathy sent me this information about her Survivor Tattoo. Thank you, Kathy!! It is gorgeous, as are you!! This has been added to “The Tattoo Project.” To learn more about it, visit the page by clicking on “The Tattoo Project” at the top of my blog.
My tattoo is of a butterfly with a pink ribbon as it’s body. The word “survivor” follows the outline of the upper part of the wings. It is my first tattoo and it symbolizes my journey through breast cancer. The tattoo sits upon my upper right breast, which was the one that had the tumor in it. I got it for a couple of reasons. Mainly, I wanted it to act as a conversation piece with the hope that others would see me as approachable to discuss their own diagnosis’ and battles. (I had always wanted a tattoo but was too much of a wimp to get one. After all I had endured during my battle against breast cancer, I figured I could probably stick needles in my own eyes – so I opted to get the tattoo!). I felt that I was not only “ready” but deserving of this tattoo. My 91 year old grandmother couldn’t understand why I would want to “mark up my body” in such a permanent way. I reminded her that the scars I have all over my chest from a chemotherapy port incision and a double mastectomy are permanent and I had no choice about those! This was something I had a choice about and it was beautiful. I had the tattoo done by Mariah Rose at White Tiger tattoo in Webster, NY. I will definitely get another tattoo….I just won’t tell my grandmother. 
Mommy Pains
My daughter got hurt in her college dance club a few weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because #1) I am so damn busy, #2) I originally thought there wasn’t much to write about, and #3) after there became much to write about, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by writing about it. But now after all we have gone through, I am hoping that instead of yelling at me, she will read this and say
Because really, I had a nervous breakdown over this whole thing. Twice.
She first called me about an hour after she fell.
C: Mom, I fell in dance and I am wondering if I broke a rib.
Me: What happened?
C: I was doing a back flip and
You were doing a back flip??? You don’t do back flips!!! Do you?
Well, I was being spotted. I have been doing them all along.
So, you were being spotted?
Yea. Well, I fell and I think I broke a rib because it really hurts.
Did you go to the health center?
No. I got the wind knocked out of me and I lied there for about 15 minutes then one of the girls walked me back to my dorm.
Go to Urgent Care and get X-Rays.
She went to Urgent Care. They did an exam of her back and said her spine is fine. They scanned her ribs and said no fractured ribs. She had a slight fever but other than that no issues except for the pain. They gave her pain meds and sent her home.
A few days later, she called me back saying she still has a fever and it still hurts. She went back to Urgent Care. They did blood work, an urinalysis, a strep test, and a flu test. She now had blood in her urine but all other tests came back negative. They took a CT of her kidneys to see if there was blood around them and found none. They gave her different pain meds and sent her home. They told her that if the pain gets worse or the fever doesn’t get better, she should go to the hospital.
She told me a friend of hers had the whole thing on video. I told her to send me the video.
Mom, are you sure you want to see it??
Caitlin, I am sure I DON’T want to see it but I am also sure that I SHOULD see it. As a mom and an EMT, it would be irresponsible of me to not see it. I want to see the Mechanism of Injury.
She sent it to me. As it turns out, I really didn’t want to see it. The picture is grainy but it was a phone video and really, it doesn’t matter. Enter nervous breakdown #1.
SHE LANDED ON HER FUCKING HEAD! The sight of my baby landing on her head, the sound of her crying, and knowing that they did not call an ambulance but instead WALKED HER HOME made me so sick to my stomach. I watched it and threw all of my homework on the floor and spent the next 2 hours crying in my bed trying not to puke.
The next day, I told her to go to the emergency room. Keep in mind, she is still away at college. I planned to drive out there but not knowing if she would be admitted or sent home, I decided to wait until we had some answers. Amazingly, she was okay with me not going with her since she had other friends with her from school, thank God! It killed me to not be there but I really was trying to be smart about all of this and not be the freakizoid parent that I truly felt like.
The wonderful doctor at the hospital looked at the scans from Urgent Care and realizing they didn’t scan her spine (and watching the video himself), he ordered a CT of her spine. TWO spinal fractures at T-10 and T-11. Also, a concussion and a bruised kidney.
At that point, I drove to the college and brought her home for two days. She is now in a back brace for 5 weeks and will need physical therapy.
Caitlin, I am soooooo proud of you!!!!! You have been sooooo brave and so strong during all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have thanked God (and all of my prayer warrior friends) that her spinal fractures were considered “stable fractures” in that there is no risk of spinal cord injury at this point. I have tried to stop my thoughts there. God, I have fucking tried. But two nights ago…
…nervous breakdown #2.
My mind went there. Oh my God, what IF she DIED?????? I have been doing my homework at the desk we put in her bedroom for the past week now. I can sit in a chair that is better for my bad back than the bed and I can close out the dog who licks himself like his penis will be his last meal. Well, that thought hit me while I was doing my work in her room.
I stopped working. I cleaned up her dresser a little bit. I looked at all of her cute little trinkets she has. I stared at the picture of her with her boyfriend. God, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Look at that smile! I played the Winnie-The-Pooh music jewelry box I gave her when she was two and watched Winnie dance in a circle. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. I finally made myself snap out of it when I realized that I was crying and I yelled at myself to knock this shit off. She IS okay! She DIDN’T die! Nicki, what the hell is wrong with you???
I am an EMT. I have seen horrible, horrible things. This video was not gory. There was no blood, no brains, no guts. And yet, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Thank God I didn’t see a video of my son getting hit by a car while on his snowmobile!
T’is The Season…
…to be thankful for what we have and to help those in need. I normally hang up on anyone who calls my home (or cell phone) looking for hand-outs. It isn’t because I am uncaring. Indeed, my heart bleeds for so many people that whenever I imagine what I would do if I won the lottery, there is never a dime left over for me…and never enough to give to everyone I want to help. My calculations go something like this:
I would pay off the homes of all of my sisters and brothers (including those that are in-laws).
I would pay to have and addition put on my house so my husband’s father can live with us and I would pay for the very best private nurses for him 24/7 (and by “best” I mean that they are truly devoted to promoting his needs of autonomy, competence, and companionship while physically caring for him).
I would donate a large sum of money to the fire department.
I would open a new state of the art nursing home that would be an all-inclusive wellness center as well as one that truly promotes the emotional well-being of each and every elder each and every minute of the day. The wellness center would be in the middle of a neighborhood of small ranch houses with huge kitchens. Each staff person would be thoroughly trained in the Eden tradition AND Self-Determination Theory. Each staff person would be made to be bathed by a staff member and depend on a staff member to go to the bathroom as part of their orientation training so they can gain a little bit of understanding. And each elder would have a person around the clock to serve as their personal companion whose sole purpose would be to provide company, companionship, and love. This person would have AN EQUAL VOICE (or a greater voice in some cases) in all of the care-related decisions for their companion. Each staff member would understand that if they want to work there, they are to truly believe that the home is the elders’ home and they are a guest in their home.
Then I would donate to all of the other charities I feel a bond with.
As you can see, I clearly need to win the lottery 20 times over (at least) to accomplish this!
So, instead, I donate 10-20 bucks here and there when I see something that is meaningful to me.
I always give to the Goodwill
I donate to the Caring Bridge site
I always buy fundraiser stuff if kids ask me. Same with Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts. I never refuse them but my only rule is that they must come to me. I am not going to seek them out.
I donate when friends are looking for sponsors for fund-raising events.
I donate to blogs that have a “donate” button if I feel compelled to do so.
These are all small donations and although I wish I could do more, I know that every little bit helps. My latest donation is for a little girl in Florida who asked for a new hand for Christmas. Pull at my freakin’ heart strings some more, why don’t ya????? If you are interested in playing Santa to this precious girl, click here. If you want to know more about this little girl, go here. May God bless this family. I just know she will get her Christmas wish!!
Are there any charities you feel passionate about? What would YOU do with the money if you won the lottery??
October 29th
I have so much to do for school this week. A class presentation and a mid-term today, readings for today and Wednesday. Write-up of my intake interview I conducted with my “mock” client. A paper due in a week that I haven’t even begun to think about. Wait. That is not true. I have thought about it so much and, dreading it, I keep pushing it out of my mind. Until the next time the thought comes up.
I keep thinking of ways to occupy myself to avoid working on school stuff to alleviate the anxiety that accompanies my school to-do list. As we psychology geeks say, good ol’ negative reinforcement for procrastination!
I decided to give this whole situation some thought. WHY am I so anxious over all of this? WHY is it so hard for me to focus this time around? It kept coming back to that damned paper that I am terrified to write. And why am I so terrified? Because of the stupid APA format. I suck at APA and that alone has me not wanting to even think about the paper.
But WHY am I letting that get to me so much? I haven’t in the past. I have tackled everything head-on in the past so why am I cowardly avoiding it now?
Maybe it has to do with the physical pain I have been in for about 3 weeks now. The Lupus is out of control. I have new skin lesions all over, my skin itches all the time, even where there are no lesions, and my joints! They say that the human body has approximately 360 joints in total. I am not sure how accurate that number is but I am sure that however many joints there are in my body, I am feeling all of them right now. And the fatigue! Don’t get me started on the fatigue!
But I wasn’t sold that Lupus is the reason I am so unfocused today. And after realizing what day today is, I realized I was right. It is more than the Lupus (and the APA for that matter). Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death.
This day didn’t creep up on me like it has in the past. I have been saying for weeks now, “I have a class presentation and a mid-term on the anniversary of my mother’s death.” But I have said those words without the emotional affect that October 29th brings because until now, it wasn’t October 29th.
My Mom
My mother died 6 years ago today. I don’t care what time limits the fucking DSM-IV-TR places on grieving before it is no longer considered grieving and instead, considered depression. (The answer is 2 months. Yes, after 61 days, if you are still grieving, you are considered disordered). The fact of the matter is that I am NOT depressed (and no, I am not in denial about my depression so don’t go there) but I AM still grieving the loss of my mother.
Right now, in my mind, I am sitting on her hospital bed with my head on her chest. I can feel her body getting colder by the second but it feels so good to finally be able to put all of my weight on her without hurting her. And I am so sad and so angry at the same time. I never got to tell my mother all the private things we get to say to people in those moments before they die. I planned to and I know she would have heard and understood it all because she was completely lucid right up until she died. I was visiting her at the hospital with my sister-in-law. My plan was to take my sister-in-law home, get my pillow and blankets and go back to the hospital for some alone time with my mom. I selfishly didn’t share that plan with anyone because I wanted to be alone with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her, that I am sorry for all the times I didn’t visit her when I should have, and tell her that it is okay to go. That I was so proud of how strong she had been. I asked my mother if she was in pain. She said, “No, but I am so cold.” I gave her another blanket and kissed her head and told her I loved her. She said, “I love you too.” I whispered to her that I would be back in a little bit. She said, “Okay.”
She died 20 minutes after I left the hospital. I was so angry with her for dying without me there. I was so angry at myself for leaving. I should have stayed. My sister told me that if I stayed, Mom would have waited until I went to the bathroom or something to die. She is probably right. Then I got angry at my mom for being selfish that way. I wish she knew how much I needed to be with her at that moment. I wish I recognized that she had Cheyne-Stokes Breathing before I left. Thinking back, I did recognize her breathing pattern had changed but I didn’t name the pattern or make the inference of what that pattern meant. How could I have missed that?? I recognize it in my patients but I didn’t in my mom. I guess that is what happens when the person is so close to you. You don’t look at things objectively. You don’t say to yourself, “She has Cheyne-Stokes Breathing. The end is very close. I better stay.” I understand that but understanding doesn’t make me any less pissed off at myself for failing to connect the dots (or the gasps in this case).
I am not quite sure how the rest of today will pan out but I do know some things. I know I will get through my presentation just fine. I know I will have moments when I will forget what day today is. I know I will take my mid-term and not give a shit about the grade. Until tomorrow when it is no longer October 29th; then I know I will worry about the grade as I always do. I know my mom knows what I am still struggling with. I know that she is doing everything she can to take the pain away from me. And I know that the DSM-IV-TR doesn’t have a clue about grieving and I know it can go fuck itself.
My Children Are Amazing Teachers
Both of my children became freshman this year! My son starts high-school on September 5th and my daughter started her first year of college this past Monday. I am so proud! I am so excited for them! And I am so feeling something that I can’t name yet. I imagine if fear, heart-break, anxiety, longing, and uncertainty all had a big orgy, my feeling right now would be the love child of such event.
I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS COULD HAVE RELATED TO ANYONE GOING THROUGH THIS UNTIL THIS MOMENT. And to be honest, I am sick and tired of people who do not have children or whose children are not in college yet telling me that they know how I feel. I KNOW they are trying to offer me support through all of this and I appreciate the sentiments but really, you have no idea what this is doing to me.
I cry ALL.THE.TIME. I cry out of pride. I cry out of excitement. I cry out of missing my baby. I cry reading Dr. Seuss. I cry at the Subaru commercial (That fucking Subaru commercial). I cry when I remember the commercial about Peter coming home for Christmas! I cry at the idea that after college, my girl will be on her own. I cry out of anticipation of my son joining the Army after high-school. I cry out of worry that my babies will become they kind of adult child I became who didn’t visit Mom nearly enough. I cry out of regret for wasting my time and energy crying over the sad stuff when there is so much to be happy for. I cry that I am allowing my sad feelings to over-power my pride and excitement at times. Then I go back to thinking about the pride…and I cry all over again.
In short, I am a fucking train wreck.
(I am linking up with Mama’s Losing It this week to share what I have learned from my kids. If you would like to link up, go here or click on the button on my sidebar)!!
As I think about all that my children have learned and will continue to learn, I can’t help but think of all the things my children have taught me. Thank you, Caitlin and Chandler for teaching me that:
- My gut instincts as a parent are right. NO MATTER WHAT MY FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR OTHER PARENTS THINK, DO, OR SAY ABOUT ME.
- I was right to spend and entire summer reading the Bible to my kids while they whined and complained.
- I was right to tell my daughter “no” to wearing shorts with “cheer” printed on the ass.
- I was right to dump the Waffle Blocks back out on the floor and yell at my kids to clean them up after my Mother-In-Law cleaned them up as quickly as she could so they kids wouldn’t have to.
- I was right to force my children go to the hospital to say “goodbye” and to give kisses to their Grandma even though they were scared and felt uncomfortable.
- I was right to call my son home from a friend’s house to clean the spoon he left in the sink.
- I was right to go to work after my daughter was born
- I was right to quit my job when my kids were both very young to stay home with them.
- I was right to have my children grow up with dogs as pets (and tree frogs, hamsters, fancy mice, birds, fish, hermit crabs, geckos, a guinea pig, and fire-bellied toads).
- I was right to make my daughter work to earn money to buy her own bike when she was 5 years old.
- I was right to give my kids cell phones when other parents told me they were too young for them (it isn’t about spoiling them…it is about safety)!!
- I was right to show my kids the creepy picture of the pedophile that lives 2 streets over and make them commit that scary face to memory.
- I was right to explain to my young kids exactly what those sick bastards do to children in detail.
- I was right to talk openly with my children about sex and drugs.
- I was right to cry in front of my children
- I was right to demonstrate to my kids how imperfect I am
- I was right to drill it in their heads that there is NOTHING in the world that they can do that would make me love them any less.
- I was right to keep my judgments to myself and simply thank them for telling me somethings that were difficult for them to say.
- I was wrong to scream at them out of anger and frustration
- I was wrong to not bring them to see their Grandma more often simply because I didn’t feel like it.
- I was wrong to call my daughter a bitch on more than one occasion
- I was wrong some of the times I chose to sit in my room alone instead of in the living room with them.
- I was wrong for not cooking dinner because I was too lazy
- I was wrong to never have them wake up to a kitchen full of breakfast food.
- I was wrong to never have them come off the bus to a plateful of warm cookies
- I was wrong to allow even one day go by without telling them that they are the most important things in my entire life
- I was wrong to rationalize my behavior when I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to beat myself up each and every time I wasn’t the perfect parent
- I was wrong to not be a better Christian role model for my children
- I was wrong to think that the joys of a clean house would help me overcome the hurt of my daughter being away.
- I was wrong to roll my eyes when people told me, “Cherish these moments because it goes by too fast.”
- I was wrong to play “Cat’s In The Cradle” over and over again this week!!
I Am A Big Pot Of Emo Stew But At Least My Blog Is Generating Some Income
So the past 18 years (plus 6,720 hours of pregnancy) all come down to this. The time when my baby flees the nest and probably will never return. Sure, she will be here on weekends when she has the time and is out of clean clothes and yes, I know she will come back during breaks but let’s get real here. She’s leaving. I can’t stop her nor do I want to. But I really don’t want her to go. But I do. And I don’t.
I am so proud of my beautiful baby girl! She has grown into a gorgeous young woman both inside and out. She leaves for college to earn her degree in psychology so she can become a Mental Health Counselor. Sure, she may change her mind but at this moment, she wants to pursue the same career as her mom and no matter what she ends up doing, this is a humongous honor to me.
After college, she will move out on her own. I know this because my husband has laid down the law with my kids years ago. ”When you turn 18, you will either be in college or in your own apartment.” It isn’t because he’s a cold-hearted man who doesn’t like his kids living in the house. It is because us Italian moms tend to hang on to our offspring like a hoarder hangs on to dead cats and he really feels that they should not be living with us when they reach menopause (or the male equivalent, whatever that is). So it is safe to say that aside from the breaks and occasional laundry runs, I have exactly 7 days and 6 hours left of my baby living at home.
I am so proud of her. I am so excited for her. And I am so fucking devastated and scared.
And as pissed as I am that I am resorting to clichés, cherish the time with your kids because it really does go by way.too.fast!!! I used to think that I would celebrate this moment in time and although I am, I am also deeply mourning what I am about to lose. And now I am crying. Fuck.
Too bad if you don’t want a kiss. Suck it up!!!
On the brighter side, I won’t need to deal with THIS on an hourly basis. ”MOM! I ALWAYS CLEAN UP MY MESS!” As I sit here looking at
Bowl with powdered sugar that has been on the computer desk for 2 (or 3?) days now because I refuse to pick it up.
Her stuff still on the kitchen table after 6 days
Stuff left on the love seat after yesterday’s shopping trip. Okay, I don’t really mind the bag but the rest can go.
Her work shirt on the computer desk.
The water cup! She has these things planted all over the house every day.
Awww…who the hell am I trying to kid. We all know that I will clean this stuff up myself because it is her last week here and I don’t want to ruin it and I will end up missing all of this shit when she is gone. The absence of it will remind me that my baby girl is moving on in life.
Caitlin, if you are reading this, don’t even consider for a second moving out of NY State at any point in your life!! I am not sure I could handle that at all. Damnit…never mind that. If your dream is outside of NYS, you have to follow it. But don’t you dare for a second even think of going one week without calling me!!!!
In other news, my brain MRI came back clean. Yes, this is terrific news but I still have this minor issue of short-term memory loss and I am pretty certain it is Alzheimer’s and that doesn’t show up on an MRI. So we have accomplished absolutely nothing in relieving my anxiety there. Okay, I lied. I AM glad that it’s not a tumah.
Oh!!! I go back to school full time beginning Sept. 5th to get my Masters after an 8 month medical leave. I am pretty sure that obtaining this degree will put me in my grave. Please frame my degree and attach it to my tombstone. I want everyone to see that damn piece of paper!!!!
On a good note, I checked the earnings of my ads for my blog and I have earned $2.49 so far. That averages to exactly (sorry if I am bragging. I am just so excited) $0.0017292 per hour. I really need to get working on ordering my Nobbleheads because the time is coming up quick when I will be able to afford them! For those of you who are not familiar with the Nobblehead, please read the “About” page on my blog.
My FINAL 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge Update
Hey everyone!! Sorry about the delay in posting this. If you read my last post, you would understand why I didn’t do this sooner. But I am feeling much better now so I decided to, you know, carpe diem!
I know that I did a “before video” and I really wanted to do an “after video” as well. Okay. That is a total lie. I HATE doing videos. I hate how I look and how my voice sounds in them and to be honest, I am NOT comfortable posting a video while wearing shorty shorts and a bikini top.
BUT I WAS GOING TO DO ONE, I SWEAR!!
Although I only received a few comments on my blog about my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge (thank you so much to those who left comments! I truly cherish all of them), I have also received emails, private messages on Facebook, and have had some good old fashioned face -to-face conversations about my posts! I am truly touched by the support, the kind words, and mostly by those of you who have told me that I am an inspiration for you. Wow. I really wasn’t expecting that at all and what a blessing that is for me! You all rock!!!!!
So, although I loathe making videos of myself, I decided that I owe it to my readers to do a follow up video. But the G Damn, mother effing piece of shit crap that I own is determined to put me through a living hell today. I got all ready…put my hair in a ponytail, put on the shorty shorts and bikini top, even a little lipstick for good measure. I plugged in the NEW camera with the EMPTY 64 GB (or whatever size it is. You know, the big expensive one) SD card and the damn thing kept telling me, “the video section of the memory card is full. Can not record videos. ” I put the card on the computer several times to erase what wasn’t there. I dicked around with the camera to erase what wasn’t on it. The thing is still telling me the same thing. And since I can’t take a picture of myself very well, you are all out of luck.
I really am sorry about that. I promise you that I spent an hour trying!!
But! I DO have my results so don’t leave me!!
The very best thing I have gained from doing this challenge (aside from learning that I have been an inspiration to others because that is huge) is feeling healthier overall. My lupus symptoms have diminished so much! I still have pain and fatigue but it really is nothing compared to how I felt before all of this. I was THIS CLOSE (my thumb and index finger are almost touching right now) to either being put on Prednisone or increasing my chemotherapy in the beginning of July and the thought of either of those scared the shit out of me. But because of eating a cleaner diet and exercising 5-6 days/week, my meds were not changed at all and my doctor actually wrote on my “to-do list” he makes for me, “Keep up the exercise! Good job!”
For those of you who keep telling me, “Don’t lose any more weight, Nicki!” I want to say this. I truly appreciate that you are telling me I look good. I do. And I don’t feel like I need to lose any more weight. I am actually content with my body right now. However, if doing what I have been doing is going to keep the Lupus Monster under control, I will continue to plug away regardless of what I weigh. So, I want to thank you for telling me that I look good but please understand when I get defensive in reaction to those comments.
Some people have asked me about maintenance program for this diet and exercise regimen. My maintenance program is being mindful of how I feel and what the scale reads in relation to how I ate and if I exercised that day. If I feel good and the scale is kind to me, I allow myself a bit more of the healthy stuff or a slice of pie. If I feel like shit and the scale calls me a whale, then I am strict for the next week. Overall, I am allowing myself to have my little indulgences but for the most part, I am sticking to the diet and still waiting for Saturdays to cheat. I have cut out the 20 minute cardio before breakfast but I still do weights 5 days/week with cardio following.
So…here are the numbers!!
Start Weight (on 7/2): 136
Today’s Weight: 127.8 (Lost 8.2 pounds)
Pant size on 7/2: 8-10
Pant size today: Mostly 6. One pair I tried on had to be an 8.
Hips on 7/2: 39 inches
Hips today: 35.5 inches (Lost 3.5 inches)
Upper thigh on 7/2: 24 inches
Upper thigh today: 22.75 inches ( lost 1.25 inches)
Waist on 7/2: 30 inches
Waist today: 27 inches (lost 3 inches)
Bust on 7/2: 36 inches
Bust today: 33.5 inches (lost 2.5 inches…good luck finding a bra that fits that)
Saddle Bags on 7/2: 41 inches
Saddle Bags today: 39 inches (lost 2 inches)
I hope those of you who felt inspired stay that way! If you have setbacks (and you will), know that you can pick it right back up the next day! And, very importantly, remember that if you weigh yourself the day following your cheat day, you WILL be 2-4 pounds heavier than the day before. IT IS OKAY! Cheating after you are very strict with your diet and then resuming your strict diet after your cheat day actually boosts your metabolism and within 3 days, you should be below your pre-cheat day weight…if you stick to the diet and exercise. If it really bothers you, DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF UNTIL 3 DAYS AFTER YOUR CHEAT DAY!
Here is a laugh for you!
As always, I appreciate your feedback!
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Time For Another Challenge Update
I am on day 25 of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Although there are days when it IS a challenge, overall, it has not been bad at all. Here is a break-down of how things are going.
Discipline: If you remember, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight loss. For the most part, keeping that goal of staying disciplined in mind has helped me to stay focused. When I think of it as a weight loss challenge, I find excuses to eat that extra piece of macaroni or skip a morning cardio. However, I won’t lie. It has been tough to stay disciplined this week especially when the numbers on the scale keep going down. I still do my weights 5 days/week with a 30+ minute cardio following. I still do not eat what is not on the diet and save cheating on my diet until my scheduled cheat day FOR THE MOST PART.
This past week, we had 2 grad parties to go to. Since Saturday was my cheat day, I was perfectly happy with eating the Italian sausage with the roll, the macaroni salad, and the two pieces of cake. I was in my glory! Sunday was NOT my cheat day, however, and I ate a turkey sandwich and some ziti that day. I also had some fruit with chocolate from the chocolate fountain, and some chips and dip. I am not sure what happened that day; I just didn’t care. I also have been skipping my morning cardio more days than not. I keep telling myself that if I stick to my diet and add more time to my cardio following my weights, it is okay. And as far as the scale goes, it IS okay. But again…this is a challenge in DISCIPLINE! Damn.
Results:
Starting Weight: 136 lb.
Today’s Weight: 129 lb. I HAVE NOT WEIGHED UNDER 130 POUNDS IN ABOUT 11 YEARS!!! I am really happy about this!
Upper Thigh: 23 inches (down 1 inch total and .5 inch from last week)
Hips: 36.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total but the same as last week)
Waist: 27.5 inches (down 2.5 inches total and .5 inch from last week)
Bust: 34 inches (down 2 inches total and 1 inch from last week)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40 inches (down 1 inch total but same as last week)
Doesn’t it figure that my ass stays the same size but my boobs get smaller?!
Lupus Symptoms:
I still have some pain and my fatigue is some days worse than others but overall, I have much more energy and much less pain! I was so happy to go to the doctor this past week! Before I started this whole thing, I was dreading the appointment because I knew he would need to increase my medications and I didn’t want that. I am totally convinced that this exercise and cleaner diet has altered that course! My meds stayed the same and I am thrilled!! I don’t know what Remission feels like but I know that I am closer to it now than I have been in 6 years!
AND….ONLY 2 MORE DAYS TIL CHEAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahooooooo!!!!!!
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God Hear My Prayer
Dear God,
I pray that You make Your presence incredibly obvious to these families and friends during this tragic time. God, please be with the emergency responders as they work through the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings they experienced and will continue to experience for a very long time. I pray that everyone will feel a sense of peace soon. God, thank you for keeping my own children safe while they were at the midnight showing of this movie here in our town.
In Jesus’s Holy name,
Amen
James Holmes, may God have mercy on your soul.
Weight And Size Update!!
I have completed 8 full days of my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge! Only 22 days to go!! I soooo can do this!!!!
I thought you might like a comprehensive update. I hope all of my updates can be this inspiring!
Discipline: I actually am doing well but I seem to have a problem getting all of my meals in during the dayon occasion. This isn’t because I don’t want to eat or feel too full (although yesterday, I had to force down the pre-workout yams). I just run out of time some days and skip a meal. So much going on in life! Yesterday, I was grocery shopping during the time I should have been eating lunch and I can’t just go up to a counter in the cafe at Wegman’s and say, “Can I please have 15 shrimp with cocktail sauce and 6 baby carrots?” I ate lunch as soon as I got home but my then it was supposed to be time for my snack. I think you get the picture here.
I have not cheated other than my cheat day and that damn lick of frosting I mentioned in this post. By the way, that crack frosting? It is STILL in the fridge UNTOUCHED! I think my daughter is leaving it there for me as some sort of bait!!
The family had tacos for dinner last night. I LOVE taco meat!!!!! I am such a carnivore!! I actually thought to myself, “Nicki, the taco meat is just ground beef with some seasoning. You are going to make ground beef after your workout anyway so just eat this awesome stuff right here!” Then I reminded myself that ground beef covered in wonderful taco seasonings and sauce is NOT on the diet and this challenge is about DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss!! So I drank some coffee and removed myself from the evils within the kitchen.
Workouts: I found that the I-am-a-hamster-running-on-a-damn-wheel feeling is not present and the time flies by if I do the following. Play music from my computer from my iTunes account. Look at a group of songs, and find out when to stop my workout based on how long the song is. I love when there is a longer song in the mix. Then I am all “Sweet! I only have to do this for 5 songs!!”
This is soooo much better than looking at a watch or the screen of the machine to see how long I have been on it. My whole time is spent convincing myself that if I wait longer to look at the time, then it will be time to be done by the time I actually look. Then when I do look, and realize I am not even half-way done yet, I want to die. This is never an issue with the music! I play the music loudly, close my eyes, and get totally lost in the songs.
Weights and Measurements: The moment you have been waiting for, I am sure!!!
On 7/2 (first full day of challenge):
Weight: 136 lbs
Top of right thigh: 24 inches
Hips: 39 inches (although I am thinking now that this may have been wrong. It must have been 38 inches)
Waist: 30 inches
Bust: 36 inches
Ass/Saddlebags (THE GROSSEST PART OF MY BODY): 41 inches
This morning:
Weight: 132.8 lbs (down 3.2 lbs)
Top of right thigh: 23.5 inches (.5 inch smaller)
Hips: 37 inches (2 inches smaller??? This is why I think I measured wrong last time. I doubt I lost 2 inches in my hips already).
Waist: 29 inches (1 inch smaller)
Bust: 35.75 inches ( quarter of an inch smaller)
Ass/Saddlebags: 40.5 inches (.5 inch smaller) YAYYYYYYYY!!!!
Physically, I feel like I got hit by a bus this morning but I do feel more fit already and I have not had any issues with the bulging disk in my back this week!!!!! I do have more energy. My son even commented on how I seem to have all this energy now.
I woke up yesterday with Lupus headache but I got right to working out and by the time I was done, I could move my neck and the pain was only a small annoyance!!
Mentally: I feel fantastic!!!!!!! I am so proud of myself for not eating that damn taco meat!!!!!!!
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Day 5 Of My 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge
I am patting myself on the back right now.
Since I began my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge on Monday, I have not cheated more than one teaspoon of peanut butter and one lick of frosting (more on the frosting in a few minutes).
Day one was easy to follow because I was pumped. Also because my diet has 6 small meals a day and since I only ate 2 large meals/day before this challenge, it seems like I was always eating! I do eat often; every 2 hours.
Day two was not bad at all…nothing to report.
Day three? I wanted to pig the fuck out and skip my cardio. I was feeling the exhaustion and I wanted something buttery!! But I reminded myself of my goals and it got easier!
Yesterday was day 4 and I totally nailed it. Did everything right and reminded myself that Cheat Day is Saturday! Woohoo!
Today is day 5. I lost 3 pounds so far! I am totally okay with sticking to my diet today because I know that I can eat whatever I want tomorrow. This is good because we are going to my daughter’s college orientation and it will be hard to stick to the diet while I am out.
But a couple glitches were thrown my way and I am having an anxiety attack now.
My friend called and asked me if we were still on for tonight. I have it in my calender that she and I are going to the movies. I am fine with that. I never want the popcorn. Give me coffee and I am happy as a pig in shit. She said, “Dinner and drinks.” Which translates to Maria’s.
For those of you who do not live around these parts, Maria’s is unarguably the best damned Mexican Restaurant near me. People have tried to argue with me about this and they lose every time. If I have to drag your ass to Maria’s and shove the Holy Moly with the guacamole down your throat (I don’t care if you don’t like avocados…it is THAT good), force a beef burrito enchilada style down your throat while you are still trying to swallow the Holy Moly then funnel the pomarita down your gullet to prove to you that it is the best, then damnit, I will do just that. And in the end, you will tell me just how fucking right I was. Period. End of discussion. But beware…Maria’s has a “3 Margarita Limit” for a reason!!!! They are oooohhhhh soooooo good and so damn strong.
I am trying to figure out how to do this. Saying “no” to Maria’s is simply not an option. For starters, did I mention that the food is really good there and the Margarita’s are even better? Second, it is a tradition that Meg and I go to Maria’s. We always go there when we go out. One time the place was closed when we pulled up and we literally sat in the parking lot and stared at each other for 5 full minutes in silence with tears in our eyes. Finally Meg broke the silence and said, “Now what the fuck are we going to do?” It took us another 8 minutes to decide on another restaurant and we were miserable bitches to the poor waitress.
“Ma’am, I KNOW this is an Italian Restaurant but is it too much to ask for a Holy Moly with guac, a Pomarita and a beef burrito enchilada style? This IS America, after all. We are not REALLY in Italy!!”
Meg and I have recruited an uncountable number of people to this place. It is like a fucking Maria’s cult and we are the leaders. When we go there, the waitress doesn’t even ask us what we want. She just brings us our orders. If I go with someone other than Meg, the waitress gets all sorts of confused but she still nails my order every time.
So, this is one time when I MUST cheat. I have decided that although I have stuck with my diet awesomely today and although I will be away from home tomorrow, my cheat day will be today instead of tomorrow for this week. I can still make this work.
Shit! Next week is Caitlin’s grad party. On Sunday. It is being catered. That means my cheat day will have to be Sunday instead of Saturday. That means that there will be 8 days in between cheat days instead of 6!!!!
I need a Xanax.
One last thing before I sign off here…
Yesterday, my daughter found a cookbook.
Thank you, Caitlin. This will go fantastically with my diet.
Today she made cupcakes for the staff at work. Lemon cupcakes with a strawberry cream cheese frosting. I told her to be sure she takes ALL the cupcakes to work. She promised she would. I wish my daughter wasn’t a big fat liar.
9 left on the toaster oven after she left for work.
I told her to make sure she cleaned out the bowl that she made the frosting in so that I wouldn’t want to lick it clean (I already had one lick). She said she did. She didn’t lie. She did. But in the fridge…
About half a gallon of the shit!!!!
I opened the lid to look at it.
Made with fresh strawberries and cream cheese!!!!! It is so pink and pretty!!!
I know…this is not her fault. Nicki, accept responsibility and do not place blame!
I did not cheat. I had none (aside from that one lick I just mentioned)!
And I know one graduate who won’t be having a graduation party for torturing her mother!
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How Changing My Goals Helps Me In Achieving Them.
I am going to say something here that will rub people the wrong way. Some of you who I consider to be my friends (either in person or in Blog Land) will disagree or start to feel the rage build up inside of you and I am okay with that. Why? Because I am responsible for my feelings and you are responsible for yours. Also because I believe that there is truth to what I say and I would rather be hated for being honest than liked for being fake. If you know me personally, you know that I live by these beliefs every day. You probably even know this because you and I have gone toe-to-toe at least once and at times, it got ugly, didn’t it? But if you are reading this then it means that we worked through it and you still respect me (at least a little) and I can promise you that I still respect myself which is really all that matters to me. Keep in mind that I only speak for myself. I can’t speak for you or anyone else so what I have to say is all about what I think and feel.
I am NOT okay with being over weight. I know I am not obese but I at 5’1″ and 136 pounds, I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I look when I am overweight. I am not okay with the way I feel physically when the waist of my pants puts pressure on my gut and causes discomfort all the way up to my chest. I am not okay with how my digestive system acts when I am overweight. I am not okay with feeling like I am going to crap my pants in the middle of a meeting and then again an hour later while I am caring for a patient. I am not okay with my bra feeling like a bar is digging into my sternum. I am not okay with having indentations in my ankles an hour after I have taken off my socks. I am not okay with being short of breath because my body has to work harder to move me around and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AM NOT OKAY WITH FEELING LIKE I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER MYSELF. I am not okay with blaming my weight on a long line of family genes. Yes, my whole mother’s side of my family was very overweight. They were all that way because of poor diets and lack of exercise, not because of genes. I am not okay with saying that I can’t workout and exercise because I have Lupus. In fact, having Lupus just means that I have to work harder and more often so that I stay mobile and my heart can stay healthy. Lastly, I don’t believe that anyone that is over weight is okay with it. I AM okay with overweight people. I do not believe anyone’s character should ever be judged by what their body looks like. But I am not okay with people lying to themselves because that is not healthy mentally or physically. It IS okay for people to not like aspects of themselves because that can lead to healthy changes. I believe it is easier for people to try to convince themselves and the world that they are okay with being overweight than to suffer the emotional upset of admitting that they are not okay with it and push themselves physically and mentally to overcome it. I believe that each and every person who says that they are okay with being overweight looks in the mirror in private and feels horribly bad (if they even allow themselves to look in the mirror). I BELIEVE EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY WEIGH AND I BELIEVE EVERYONE OWES IT TO THEMSELVES TO BE HONEST AND DO THE WORK TO TRULY FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.
I have struggled with weight for most of my life. Although I am not anorexic (God, how could I ever turn my back on glorious food?) nor do I purge after my meals, I do binge. Binging in the absence of purging IS an eating disorder and I BINGE! I have to work every single day to not binge. I have to work every single day to avoid telling myself that I deserve to binge today because I did so well on my diet yesterday. People that watch me binge are amazed. They wonder how the hell I could scarf down 3 huge plates of pasta with sausage and meatballs all at once but I do it and I can do it often.
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have set a goal to lose weight but I can tell you that not only did I fail each and every time, i I also gained about 10 pounds as a result.
My first true success at losing weight was about 13 years ago. I walked into the gym and the owner asked me “How much weight do you want to lose? What is your goal?” At the time I was a size 16 (remember, I am only 5 feet tall) so I understood his confused look when I answered, “My goal isn’t to lose weight. My goal is to build upper body strength and endurance for firefighting.” As a result, I got stronger, I had more endurance, and I eventually lost 61 pounds and placed second in a bodybuilding competition.
My bodybuilding days are long gone and in the 12 years since I have competed, I have struggled with my weight over and over again. I never got as heavy as I was before but when I started buying size 12 jeans, I realized something. I was back to my old habits and within a year I would be wearing the size 16′s again if something didn’t change. So, I lost 12 pounds and have yo-yo’d over and over again.
It has been so easy to blame my lack of exercise on Lupus. It is easy to blame my eating crappy foods on Lupus. After all, if I am too exhausted to go shopping, how can I eat healthy?
But I am a control freak and I HATE feeling out of control of my life. I hate when I allow circumstances to make decisions for me. And I realize that I DO ALLOW THAT. I choose to take the easy route as many of us do. I choose to place blame rather than accept responsibility. And I just won’t tolerate that anymore. When I really thought about it, I realized that my goal was NOT to lose weight, look hot, or fit into a certain size pants.
My goal is to be in control of me. My goal is to not allow Lupus to make the rules. My goal is to not blame my fat ass on my mother and her mother and her mother. Yes, the SHAPE of my ass is in my genes but the SIZE of it is under my control. A “fat ass gene” simply does not exist. I want to be autonomous. I want to be the author of my life, not despite my circumstances but IN SPITE of them. I have choices each and every day to make and I want to make the right choices.
When I started my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge 4 days ago, I set an INTRINSIC goal rather than an extrinsic one. This means that I set a goal that comes from within me (intrinsic), not from outside of me (extrinsic). I set a goal that will feed my need to be autonomous and choiceful in my life (intrinsic) rather than a goal to look better or see a smaller number on the scale (extrinsic). And when I achieve this goal, you may or may not see me any differently. I may be more physically fit. I may look the same or I may even look bigger. Since I decided on a healthy way to achieve my goal, I am assuming I won’t look bigger and I am hoping I look more physically fit but either way, the benefits will be on the inside of me and they will last a very long time.
My goal is self-discipline; to be in control and in charge of me no matter what. This goal helped me a great deal yesterday. Yesterday was day 3 of eating and working out as if I were training for a bodybuilding competition. I felt exhausted and I wanted to pig out! I thought to myself, “Self, you did awesome for 2 days, you lost 2.6 pounds already, and you can totally skip 20 minutes of cardio today. Hell, you can even eat an extra spoonful of peanut butter. It isn’t going to kill you. It is still way better than what you were doing before this challenge!” Then I reminded myself the goal of my challenge. If my goal was to lose weight, I totally would have listened to that devil on my shoulder. But my goal is to be disciplined and listening to that devil would have proven to me that I really don’t take control of my life. As soon as that though entered my mind, I felt the energy to get on the elliptical and my craving for more food wasn’t nearly as strong. I woke up this morning and got right on the machine as I planned.
This challenge will not be easy. I know that. There may be times when I try to convince myself that my goal was stupid and I really am okay with being out of control at times. But that would be taking the easy route and I would be lying to myself.
I read a wonderful article that provides a brief guide to attaining your goals at the Healtdemystified blog. Click here to get this awesome information for free!!! I have to say that it is purely coincidental that I have many of the same points in my post as there are in his guide! I wrote my draft before getting caught up on some blogs and came across this one. I was floored that much of what I was saying in my post was said here!!
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Kamal Saleem: A Muslim Cries Out to Jesus
As a Christian, this filled my heart so much that I literally sobbed watching it. Praise God and praise Jesus!!!!!!!!! If you are not a Christian, I invite you to spend the next 8 minutes of your life watching this. May God richly bless all of you today and always!!!
I found this awesome video here:
Sorry, No “Before” Pics
Totally stuck to the diet and exercise plan today despite the fact that the fire department had a wonderful dinner of Italian sausage with peppers and onions, corn, salad, and SALT POTATOES for dinner. So proud of myself for not giving in!!!
I considered posting before pics for my 4 Week (Not Weight Loss) Challenge. Then I changed my mind because I really don’t take good pictures. Then some people said I should and I started to think that if I don’t, I will regret it, especially if I look super hot after this is all said and done. Then everyone left the house except for my 14 year old son and there is NO WAY I am giving him a camera while I stand before him in a bikini top and my daughter’s shorty shorts. So….I have a video.
God this is sooooo embarrassing!!! Sandra, this is for you!!!!
As I said, this is not a weight loss challenge but we all know that I will be pissed off if I don’t lose any weight!
I mentioned my “stats” in the video. I forgot to mention that I am currently a size 10. Just sayin’ to keep with the full disclosure crap. It doesn’t get any more transparent than this, y’all!
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My (NOT Weight Loss) Challenge
I have been on a bit of an eating binge lately and I have not been exercising regularly. I have decided that I need discipline. Essentially, I am Cartman. Except even Cartman gets a workout.
When I trained for my bodybuilding competition in 2000, I was incredibly disciplined. I think I cheated on my diet 8 times total in my 16 weeks of hard-core training. And by “cheating” I mean that I only had ONE bite of something not on my diet. One extra teaspoon of reduced fat peanut butter or one teaspoon of icecream or 3/4 of an apple instead of 1/2.
People that didn’t understand bodybuilding (or me for that matter) judged me and they had no problem with putting their ignorant two cents in every single day. I was told that I was anorexic. I was criticized for eating only half of the apple. After all, apples are so good for you so why would eating a whole apple be cheating on a diet? I did my best to ignore them and persisted.
Now that I am not bodybuilding anymore, I don’t need to eat and work out as if I am training for a competition but for the next 4 weeks, that is exactly what I am going to do. Okay, not EXACTLY. My workouts won’t be AS intense but they won’t be taken lightly either. When you see the diet and the plan, you will most definitely say, “Why the hell would she want to do this, especially if she doesn’t HAVE to?”
I am doing it because I want to feel better. I want to feel stronger. I don’t want to be short of breath doing the simplest things. I want to BE PROUD OF MYSELF again. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WANT TO PROVE THAT LUPUS DOESN’T MAKE THE RULES; I DO! And…if I lose some inches as a result? BONUS!
This is a 4 week challenge in DISCIPLINE, not weight-loss. And because I hold myself accountable more when I share my goals with the world, I will be documenting my progress for all of you to see.
Today’s weight: 136 lbs. I don’t have a tape measure yet but after today, I will be documenting my measurements as well because that is more telling than weight.
The Exercise Plan
After my first cup of coffee and before breakfast, at least 20 minutes on the elliptical 6 days/week and an abdominal workout 3 days/week.
After lunch or dinner (depending on the day’s schedule) Monday-Friday, a weight work-out then 20 minutes of cardio. No weight training on the weekends unless I skip a workout during the week.
The Diet (This was the diet I followed religiously while training)
Meal #1: 1 whole egg plus 2 whites with 1/4 cup of fat-free shredded chedder and salsa or Frank’s Hot Sauce
Meal #2: 1/2 protein bar, 1/2 apple (or 1/2 cup strawberries), 1 teaspoon reduced fat peanut butter
Meal #3: 15 large shrimp with cocktail sauce (or) 1 can plain Albacore Tuna with lemon juice, 7 baby carrots (or) 2 cups salad with fat-free dressing.
Meal #4: Repeat meal number 2
Meal #5: (Pre-workout meal) 2 ounces of chicken (two chicken tenders), 1 small yam, 7 baby carrots (no yam on non-weight training days)
Meal #6: (Post-workout meal) 3 ounces of ground beef, 1 cup cooked brown rice or whole wheat pasta, 1/2 cup of mixed vegetables (or) 1 cup broccoli (no rice/pasta on non-weight training days).
Unlimited water, unsweetened tea, coffee.
Condiments: Salsa, Frank’s hot sauce, ketsup, Splenda, cinnamon, non-dairy creamer for coffee, lemon juice, cocktail sauce, Pam cooking spray, and 1 teaspoon of olive oil for pasta.
SATURDAYS ARE CHEAT DAYS!!!!! ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING GOES!!! EAT WHATEVER I WANT AND AS MUCH AS I WANT!!!!!! This will not only keep me motivated but the carb-loading will jump-start my metabolism.
So there you have it. I will post my weight, measurements, how I feel physically and emotionally, as well as if and when (and how) I cheat on my plan. If I don’t lose weight or inches and I still stick to this plan, I have achieved my goal because again, this is a challenge in discipline, not weight-loss. But God, I hope I lose some weight too!!
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If You Are Sick of Lupus Posts, Just Walk On By Because This Is Another One!
Thanks to the incredible heat we had last week and the stress I have been under the past couple months, I am in a doozie of a flair-up. My symptoms are not nearly as bad as they could be and I thank God for that every day. When I read blogs of fellow Lupus…?…onians? I feel like I am acting like such a baby for complaining at all. But, all I have are my own experiences to compare things to and this week has been tough.
On a good note, this entry isn’t going to be full of complaints. Complaints like how my back hurts so bad that it feels like there are knives going in my shoulder blades. Or complaints like I think I pulled an eye muscle from trying to look around because it seems my neck has turned to stone. Or complaints about how more hair is in the tub when I wash my hair or how I have 3…no 5 new lesions on my neck, chest, and face that make me look like I am battling puberty all over again. Complaints like how I can’t really hit the brakes in my truck because my feet are in too much pain or how I can’t carry anything because while my neck was turning to stone, my arms and legs were turning into spaghetti. I also won’t complain about how my hip has been having this amazingly painful electric shock thing going on and I feel like I am being intermittently tasered. Or how my GI track feels like it is on a loopy roller coaster and I am seriously considering seeing if they make Pull-Ups in my size. I will only buy them if they have Looney Toons characters on them though. Because without them, they are just diapers for big people.
Nope! You won’t have to read about any of that!! You are welcome.
Instead, I am going to tell you about how I managed to become mobile yesterday despite the pain.
I remembered the day my doctor quoted Newton’s First Law of Motion to me.
A body in motion will stay in motion and a body at rest will stay at rest.
My doctor told me that people with chronic pain get themselves in a vicious cycle of which I need to be very mindful.
Onset of pain leads to decreased movement which leads to increase in stiffening of the joints and even more decrease in movement which leads to even more pain and so on and so forth until we turn into a big pile of hurting concrete. Okay, the concrete was my imagination…he didn’t say that.
So yesterday, despite the pain I was in, despite the lack of strength in my body, despite the fact that my joints seemed fused together, I picked up some dumbbells. I did a few bench presses with a light weight. I did some stiff-legged dead lifts even though it felt like my elbows were going to pop. I did 50 squats without holding any weights and I did 12 minutes on the elliptical. The workout was NOTHING compared to what I can do on a good day and it seemed like a waste of time while I was doing it. When I was done, I was 100% exhausted.
BUT!!!!!!
My neck moved!!!!! For the rest of the day, I was able to turn my head from side to side without pain. Some discomfort but no pain! It was totally worth it!
I decided yesterday that I need to do this every day. I need to do SOMETHING every day to stay moving. Even if it is just 5 minutes on the elliptical and nothing more. No matter how tired I feel or how much I hurt, I need to keep moving.
And I need to accept that the goal of my workouts is no longer to loose weight and get ripped. My goal is to stay mobile and not turn to stone. That makes me sad but it is a reality and one I am willing to accept.
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The Ultimate Non-Trad!!!
As you may know, I am a Non-Trad (Non-Traditional College Student). I am 40 years old and just recently earned my BA in Psychology and I am now working on my Masters in Mental Health Counseling.
Getting a degree in my late 30′s was hard work! With family and firehouse obligations, friends telling me that I neglect them, and Lupus, it often seemed like an uphill battle. But I was determined and I am proud that I completed it!
I took a Medical Leave of absence this past semester and half of the semester before that. I go back to school full-time at the end of August and to be honest, I have been really worried about that. I just don’t know if I have what it takes; the passion, the desire, the patience, the same priorities, and mostly, the energy. I am really scared that I will not succeed this time and then I will be devastated that I didn’t. I will regret so much.
I have prayed about this and more so recently. It is amazing how God never ceases to answer my prayers!!! Once again, God, thank you for having my back! How did He answer my prayers this time? When I logged onto Yahoo today, this is the article that greeted me. I think I DO have what it takes. I just need to remind myself of that!
Website Credit: http://gma.yahoo.com/michigan-man-29-college-degrees-counting-191653707–abc-news-topstories.html
Michigan Man Has 29 College Degrees and Counting (ABC News)
Every June, students all over the country don their caps and gowns for graduation. Whether it’s from high school, college or graduate school, most people could easily count their own graduations on one hand.
But not 71-year-old Michael Nicholson of Kalamazoo, Mich.Nicholson has earned 29 degrees and is now pursuing his 30th.
“I just stayed in school and took menial jobs to pay for the education and just made a point of getting more degrees and eventually I retired so that I could go full-time to school,” Nicholson told ABCNews.com.
“It’s stimulation to go to the class, look at the material that’s required and meet the teacher and students. It makes life interesting for me,” he said. “Otherwise, things would be pretty dull.”
Nicholson has one bachelor’s degree, two associate’s degrees, 22 master’s degrees, three specialist degrees and one doctoral degree.
Most of the degrees are related to education such as educational leadership, library science and school psychology, but other degrees include home economics, health education and law enforcement.
Nicholson is currently working on a master’s degree in criminal justice.
“I would like to get to 33 or 34. I’m almost there,” he said. “When I complete that, I’ll feel like I’ve completed my basic education. After that, if I’m still alive — that would take me to 80 or 81 — I would then be free to pursue any type of degree.”
Nicholson’s early interest in education came from the encouragement of his parents, who wanted him to be well-educated. His Canadian father was forced to drop out of school after the third grade to work and his mother graduated from high school.
“We were motivated to continue with our educations and go as far as we could go,” he said of himself and his siblings. “She [his mother] wanted something better for us than simply working at a factory, so she kept doing the necessary for us to continue.”
Nicholson’s first degree was a bachelor’s in religious education from William Tyndale College in Michigan in 1963.
Five degrees later, he was pursuing his doctorate in education from Western Michigan University in 1978.
While pursuing the doctorate, he met Western Michigan University Professor Tom Carey when Nicholson was working as a parking lot attendant writing tickets for the university. He wrote Carey three tickets in one day and the two have now known each other for 35 years.
“I’ve had 18,000 students in class and I’ve never heard of anybody like this,” Carey told ABCNews.com. “He’s the ultimate life-long learner. I marvel at his tenacity to go to school.”
Nicholson has earned all of his degrees; none of them have been honorary or awarded degrees. Though Carey was never Nicholson’s professor, the two meet at least once a year for Nicholson to give Carey an updated resume, which he shows students in his classes.
“He’s intrinsically motivated. It’s unique, but it almost sounds bizarre,” Carey said. “Some people collect animals and he collects tassels.”
And collect tassels he does. Nicholson has been to 28 of his 29 graduation ceremonies.
What does he enjoy about the graduation ceremonies? “Just the pomp and circumstance. … I could do without the speeches,” he said with a laugh.
“Eventually, it became getting as many as I could,” he said. “There’s the excitement of graduation, but the overall objective was to get the degree.”
He has earned degrees from a dozen schools in places including Michigan, Texas, Indiana and Canada, and he always goes to class.
“I would not take an Internet class. That’s far too difficult,” Nicholson said. “I’m not one of those all-A students.”
He still works on a typewriter and his wife Sharon Nicholson helps him type up his assignments. His wife is highly educated in her own right, with seven degrees of her own.
“She helps me with my homework all the time,” he said. “I cannot function on a computer, so she has to do it.”
When asked what advice he would give to recent graduates, Nicholson paused before saying, “Don’t quit too soon. Keep up with your aspirations. A lot of people tend to throw in the towel and have to come back to it later. Don’t give up on your aspirations too soon.”
And the admittedly competitive Nicholson has no plans to give up on his own aspirations, hinting that he has his eye on a few more degrees in the next few years.
“He likes going to school and doesn’t want responsibility,” Carey said. “This is what Mike lives for. He’s about 70 and he’s not going to stop. It wouldn’t surprise me if at one point he tried law school or something else.”
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I Was A Zombie For A Day.
I am not sure when it all started but about 10 years ago, I became obsessed with the idea that my husband and I needed to buy our burial plots. Immediately. I started looking for the perfect Retirement Home for us. I went alone because at the age of 30, he thought I was nuts being a bit premature.
I started thinking about the comfort of the people left behind after I die and thought that people would be much more comfortable in a Mausoleum than outside, especially in the winter (because OF COURSE oodles of people will want to visit me after I die). I started pricing the Filing Cabinet Drawers as I like to call them.
Mausoleum at Holy Sepulchre
The drawers go all the way up to the ceiling. The ones at the top are the least expensive. The ones at the floor are the second least expensive and the ones at eye level are most expensive. I had to laugh at the idea that the eye level drawers were considered “Prime Real Estate” but I was not laughing at all at the prices. If I wanted to buy one at that time, it would have to be the one at the ceiling. My family would have to bring scaffolding if they wanted to sit with me.
I decided to consider the outdoor plots. My entire family (just about) had been buried at Holy Sepulchre. It really is a beautiful cemetery but I decided to look at White Haven as well. White Haven is a bit different. They do not allow any raised markers (tomb stones) nor do they allow any planting of flowers or other “lawn trash.” The whole place looks like a park instead of a cemetery. They even call it a “Memorial Park” rather than a cemetery.
White Haven Ground Burial Site
I got such a calm feeling being there and I thought “THIS is it!”
Then in 2006, my mother died. She was just shy of 64. She was buried in the ground at Holy Sepulchre.
Mom’s headstone.
I decided that I wanted to spend the following Mother’s Day with my mom. I packed some flowers and gardening tools, a lunch, a blanket, a book, a journal, and a blanket. The weather was beautiful.
I arrived at about 10am. I planted some flowers, sat on the blanket and read my book, wrote a letter to Mom in my journal and just took everything in. It was so peaceful and I felt closer to my mom than I had in a long time. Then I lied on the blanket and took a nap.
I woke up to some guy yelling, “THAT ONE JUST MOVED!!!” I sat up and he was staring at me. He yelled, “Oh my God! You scared the shit out of me! I thought you was dead!!!!” I laughed hysterically and yelled back, “What did you think? They just forgot to bury me or that I am a zombie?!”
Mom and I certainly enjoyed the laugh at the poor guy’s expense!
It was then and there that I decided that a ground plot where people are allowed to plant flowers was the place for me. Because my mom was in the ground in a place where gardening is allowed, I got to spend 8 hours just hanging out with her in the gorgeous weather, playing pranks on the other visitors! I don’t want to rob my kids of the opportunity to scare the ever-loving shit out of someone like that when I die!!
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “Hanging out in the cemetery.”
The (REALLY) Short Hairs
NO, NOT THOSE HAIRS! Get your mind out of the gutter!!
I have ALWAYS had a full head of hair. My mother had a natural afro.
Mom and Me on my wedding day.
One day (while my hair was short, mind you) I got brave and posted to Facebook what my hair looks like when I put a brush to it.
No brushes allowed!! Same for the hair dryer.
This is why I LOVED Gilda Radner!!! We had so much in common.
About a year after I was diagnosed with Lupus, my sister was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. Understandably, she was concerned about losing her hair.
I felt so useless during the time she was in treatment for cancer.
I couldn’t turn back the clock.
I couldn’t take the cancer out of her body.
I couldn’t endure the treatments for her.
I COULD pray for her and I PRAYED MY GUTS OUT.
(Thank you, Heavenly Father, for hearing and answering my prayers!!!)
And I could help her feel less alone.
When she lost her hair, I had her shave my head too.
Me just before Mother Of All Haircuts
Silly ponytails
My sister, the hairdresser
Me looking HOT without hair.
Sister Power!!! I never realized how much we resembled each other until we were both bald!
I LOVED this scarf!!!!
And I LOVED my “T’was The Night Before Christmas Cap.” I FROZE if I went to bed without this on!! Yes, I was wearing footie pajamas in this pic! I LOVE my footies!!
I was surprised at how much I LOVED not having hair to deal with every day. It was incredibly liberating!!
Because of my Lupus, I already had plenty of bald spots and my scalp was polka-dotted. If it wasn’t for this issue, I would have stayed bald longer and I would have gone in public without my caps and scarves on.
I think Sinead O’Connor had something going there!
And now that I have THIS song in my head, you can too. You are welcome.
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “The Short Hairs.”
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And We Keep A Muffin Tin On The Floor
As you may already have read, I am an animal freak. Unfortunately, my pets are also freaks and some days, there just isn’t enough Xanax and Tequila in the world to deal with them.
Cliffy, Chloe, and Izzy playing in the snow
This is Clifford.
Cliffy and his rope and his sweatshirt
He can be really cute.
Cliffy at Camp
Cliffy likes to hide
And he likes to play Santa Claus
But he is mostly SUCH a pain in the ass!!!
He has a major Oedipus Complex.
He is head over heals in love with me.
And nobody is allowed near me.
When he growls, he is put in “Doggie Jail.”
He digs non-stop in Doggie Jail.
This is his pillow that is inside his crate
When I am outside, he tries to lick and chew through the window to get to me.
Thhhhip
Rawr!!
Clifford also has seizures.
He has had bad digestive problems as well.
And to avoid puking immediately after eating, the vet has recommended we put his food in a muffin tin so he will be forced to eat slower and swallow less air.
So, in the kitchen, on the floor, we keep a muffin tin.
Cliffy’s Food Dish
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “In the kitchen.”
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