Mommy Pains
My daughter got hurt in her college dance club a few weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because #1) I am so damn busy, #2) I originally thought there wasn’t much to write about, and #3) after there became much to write about, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by writing about it. But now after all we have gone through, I am hoping that instead of yelling at me, she will read this and say
Because really, I had a nervous breakdown over this whole thing. Twice.
She first called me about an hour after she fell.
C: Mom, I fell in dance and I am wondering if I broke a rib.
Me: What happened?
C: I was doing a back flip and
You were doing a back flip??? You don’t do back flips!!! Do you?
Well, I was being spotted. I have been doing them all along.
So, you were being spotted?
Yea. Well, I fell and I think I broke a rib because it really hurts.
Did you go to the health center?
No. I got the wind knocked out of me and I lied there for about 15 minutes then one of the girls walked me back to my dorm.
Go to Urgent Care and get X-Rays.
She went to Urgent Care. They did an exam of her back and said her spine is fine. They scanned her ribs and said no fractured ribs. She had a slight fever but other than that no issues except for the pain. They gave her pain meds and sent her home.
A few days later, she called me back saying she still has a fever and it still hurts. She went back to Urgent Care. They did blood work, an urinalysis, a strep test, and a flu test. She now had blood in her urine but all other tests came back negative. They took a CT of her kidneys to see if there was blood around them and found none. They gave her different pain meds and sent her home. They told her that if the pain gets worse or the fever doesn’t get better, she should go to the hospital.
She told me a friend of hers had the whole thing on video. I told her to send me the video.
Mom, are you sure you want to see it??
Caitlin, I am sure I DON’T want to see it but I am also sure that I SHOULD see it. As a mom and an EMT, it would be irresponsible of me to not see it. I want to see the Mechanism of Injury.
She sent it to me. As it turns out, I really didn’t want to see it. The picture is grainy but it was a phone video and really, it doesn’t matter. Enter nervous breakdown #1.
SHE LANDED ON HER FUCKING HEAD! The sight of my baby landing on her head, the sound of her crying, and knowing that they did not call an ambulance but instead WALKED HER HOME made me so sick to my stomach. I watched it and threw all of my homework on the floor and spent the next 2 hours crying in my bed trying not to puke.
The next day, I told her to go to the emergency room. Keep in mind, she is still away at college. I planned to drive out there but not knowing if she would be admitted or sent home, I decided to wait until we had some answers. Amazingly, she was okay with me not going with her since she had other friends with her from school, thank God! It killed me to not be there but I really was trying to be smart about all of this and not be the freakizoid parent that I truly felt like.
The wonderful doctor at the hospital looked at the scans from Urgent Care and realizing they didn’t scan her spine (and watching the video himself), he ordered a CT of her spine. TWO spinal fractures at T-10 and T-11. Also, a concussion and a bruised kidney.
At that point, I drove to the college and brought her home for two days. She is now in a back brace for 5 weeks and will need physical therapy.
Caitlin, I am soooooo proud of you!!!!! You have been sooooo brave and so strong during all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have thanked God (and all of my prayer warrior friends) that her spinal fractures were considered “stable fractures” in that there is no risk of spinal cord injury at this point. I have tried to stop my thoughts there. God, I have fucking tried. But two nights ago…
…nervous breakdown #2.
My mind went there. Oh my God, what IF she DIED?????? I have been doing my homework at the desk we put in her bedroom for the past week now. I can sit in a chair that is better for my bad back than the bed and I can close out the dog who licks himself like his penis will be his last meal. Well, that thought hit me while I was doing my work in her room.
I stopped working. I cleaned up her dresser a little bit. I looked at all of her cute little trinkets she has. I stared at the picture of her with her boyfriend. God, she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Look at that smile! I played the Winnie-The-Pooh music jewelry box I gave her when she was two and watched Winnie dance in a circle. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. I finally made myself snap out of it when I realized that I was crying and I yelled at myself to knock this shit off. She IS okay! She DIDN’T die! Nicki, what the hell is wrong with you???
I am an EMT. I have seen horrible, horrible things. This video was not gory. There was no blood, no brains, no guts. And yet, it was the worst thing I have ever seen. Thank God I didn’t see a video of my son getting hit by a car while on his snowmobile!
I Can’t Forget, Don’t Want To Forget, I Won’t Forget
As I sit at my computer and force myself to watch footage from the inhumanity, injustice, and cowardly acts of terrorism that rocked our nation 11 years ago, I am wiping tears from my eyes and fighting to keep the vomit in my throat from coming out of my mouth. Americans said we wouldn’t forget and we haven’t. At least I haven’t. There were times when I thought maybe I was starting to because as time passed, I could think back to that day without as much emotion as I felt in times past. But after watching this video today, I clearly have not forgotten. Every visceral reaction I had on that day, I have again right now. I am numb and yet I feel so much. My coffee tastes like shit and the half of a protein bar I had for breakfast is fighting to come back out of my body. I feel so much sadness and loss and even anger all over again. The only difference today is that I don’t feel fear. I am not afraid today but oh God, how I remember the fear I felt at about 8:45am on 9/11/01.
And just as my mother never forgot that she was hanging clothes on a line when Kennedy was shot, I will never forget what I was doing when those animals tried to destroy our nation and took so many innocent lives.
I had just sent my daughter to the bus stop. My fire department pager went off for an EMS job for my neighbor who had fallen. I remember being so scared for him because he was disoriented. I remember walking back into the house and telling my husband that I was scared for our neighbor and my husband responded with words that seemed to wipe THAT fear away immediately.
“Go watch the television.”
As I watched, the only thing I wanted to do was get in my car and bring my baby girl home from school and hold her and her 3 year old brother in my arms and never let them go. My husband convinced me that leaving her at school would be best. That bringing her home would only scare her. I agreed and I left her there and hugged my son as much as he would allow. When she got off the bus that afternoon, I cried all over again.
What were you doing when you heard or witnessed the news? Share if you would like!
God Hear My Prayer
Dear God,
I pray that You make Your presence incredibly obvious to these families and friends during this tragic time. God, please be with the emergency responders as they work through the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings they experienced and will continue to experience for a very long time. I pray that everyone will feel a sense of peace soon. God, thank you for keeping my own children safe while they were at the midnight showing of this movie here in our town.
In Jesus’s Holy name,
Amen
James Holmes, may God have mercy on your soul.
OMG…We Did It Again!!
First, read my last post HERE if you didn’t already. If you don’t, this post will not make any sense to you at all.
Meg and I pulled into Maria’s parking lot and it was empty!!!! Again!! And again, we sat in the parking lot staring at the closed sign as if looking at it long enough would cause the whole situation to not be true. This time we yelled at the dark building, “It is the 4th of July week, not Cinco De Mayo!! Why do you need a vacation??!!” A man dressed in a maintenance uniform walked in the parking lot. We yelled out the window, “Do you have the keys to Maria’s? I am sure there is something in the fridge for us to eat!” Another car pulled in, slowed down, then left. They never stopped the car. They never cried. They didn’t even have a look of disbelief in their faces. I said, “Wow. They took that well. We must learn from them.” Meg said, “They just needed a parking lot to turn around in. There is no way they took it that well if they wanted to eat here.” She is always right.
We stayed in the parking lot until the end of the Culture Club song. At least we had George! Don’t judge us!
Then we went to a Chinese Restaurant. I ordered the Lucky Family and Fried Rice with (you guessed it) a side of Holy Moly and a beef burrito enchilada style.
Holy Moly with Guacamole and pomarita from the last time I went to my happy place. I’ll be back for you soon! Wait for me!!!
The (REALLY) Short Hairs
NO, NOT THOSE HAIRS! Get your mind out of the gutter!!
I have ALWAYS had a full head of hair. My mother had a natural afro.
Mom and Me on my wedding day.
One day (while my hair was short, mind you) I got brave and posted to Facebook what my hair looks like when I put a brush to it.
No brushes allowed!! Same for the hair dryer.
This is why I LOVED Gilda Radner!!! We had so much in common.
About a year after I was diagnosed with Lupus, my sister was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer. Understandably, she was concerned about losing her hair.
I felt so useless during the time she was in treatment for cancer.
I couldn’t turn back the clock.
I couldn’t take the cancer out of her body.
I couldn’t endure the treatments for her.
I COULD pray for her and I PRAYED MY GUTS OUT.
(Thank you, Heavenly Father, for hearing and answering my prayers!!!)
And I could help her feel less alone.
When she lost her hair, I had her shave my head too.
Me just before Mother Of All Haircuts
Silly ponytails
My sister, the hairdresser
Me looking HOT without hair.
Sister Power!!! I never realized how much we resembled each other until we were both bald!
I LOVED this scarf!!!!
And I LOVED my “T’was The Night Before Christmas Cap.” I FROZE if I went to bed without this on!! Yes, I was wearing footie pajamas in this pic! I LOVE my footies!!
I was surprised at how much I LOVED not having hair to deal with every day. It was incredibly liberating!!
Because of my Lupus, I already had plenty of bald spots and my scalp was polka-dotted. If it wasn’t for this issue, I would have stayed bald longer and I would have gone in public without my caps and scarves on.
I think Sinead O’Connor had something going there!
And now that I have THIS song in my head, you can too. You are welcome.
This post is for The 30 Days of Writing Challenge hosted by We Work For Cheese. Today’s prompt is “The Short Hairs.”
Related articles
- Hair With a Plan (hartlove.wordpress.com)
- Beauty Hacker: A Genius Tip for Pinning Short Hair Up (theblush.com)
- Becoming an Esophageal Cancer Survivor (everydayhealth.com)
- Types of Esophageal Cancer (everydayhealth.com)
- Detecting Esophageal Cancer (everydayhealth.com)
Swim
I’m feeling physically and emotionally beat up today. This song usually reminds me of why I shouldn’t just stay under a blanket in my bed all week and cry myself to a Xanax-induced sleep.
I am sure I am not alone today. I hope this song helps you as well. Keep your head above water and swim!
The Tattoo Project Part 4
Today’s post is dedicated to a good friend Traci. She is amazingly artistic and she is a strong soul! And…she is totally tatted up! Here are some of my favorites of hers.
Traci says: Seth Markus did this Buddha quote. I was just ending a significant relationship and there was a lot of hearsay.
Traci says: The tribal and orchid piece was a gift from several people for my birthday in 2007. Grandma and Grandpa Wacker always gave me money for my birthday. I always put it toward new ink. They have paid for most of my ink.
I got the hummingbird / tropical flower ink the day I got out of the hospital. It represents overcoming abuse and manipulation, and recovery from PTSD.
Related articles
- Would You Get This Tattoo? (987ampradio.cbslocal.com)
The Problem With Texting
Electric communication will never be a substitute for the face of someone who with their soul encourages another person to be brave and true.
~Charles Dickens
I have mixed feelings about texting. I think it is great that:
- We can quickly get in touch with someone
- We can check that our children are safe
- We can have conversations without everyone around hearing
- We can send the same message to multiple people without making a crap-load of phone calls
Sometimes, text messages can provide us with some incredible comic relief.
But there is a HUGE downside to texting. To see my artwork that addresses this, click HERE. For instance, I am willing to bet that this text caused some unnecessary mental trauma…even if only briefly.
And sometimes texting causes us to reveal things about ourselves that we were not ready to reveal.
But the biggest issue I have with texting is that it lacks all the NECESSARY ingredients of GOOD communication that we can only get in face-to-face conversations!
- Tone. How many times have you or the person you were texting gotten pissed off or felt like a knife just went through your (or his/her) heart because of a text? And how many times was it just a big misunderstanding simply because the sender’s tone was not clear? We can’t convey sarcasm and sincerity in a text. Our jokes come across as insults. Our sincere apologies come across as sarcasm.
- Body Language. Our conversations rely very heavily on body language which is not visible in a text. Someone had recognized the importance of body language and invented emoticons but those don’t even come close to those very small nuances that help us learn more about what people are feeling while they talk such as arms folded, feet shuffling, eye gaze (or avoiding eye gaze), tears, fidgeting, clenching fists, etc.
- SILENCE! Silence in a face-to-face talk is incredibly powerful and incredibly important. It is just as important (if not more) than the talking. Think back to some deep conversations you have had. What occurred during the silence? Usually silence is filled with such reflection and emotion that it can lead to revelations, epiphanies, and change in attitude. My most productive conversations were those that included long periods of silence. How is silence handled in a text message? How many times were you dishonest to yourself or the person on the other end because you wanted to send a quick reply? Probably the most frequent dishonest reply we send is, “that’s okay.” I know I have sent that many times with tears streaming down my face and feeling like that was definitely NOT okay! And if the reply isn’t quick because you were deep in thought or overwhelmed with emotion, have you replied, “sorry it took so long to get back to you. I was busy.”
- Just as bad is when the receiver really was busy, was away from their phone, or didn’t hear that they had a message and the reply is delayed. The sender spends what seems like a lifetime imagining all the horrible reasons why the receiver hasn’t replied yet!
AND HERE IS THE OUTCOME! WE LOSE OUR CLOSENESS AND INTIMACY AND WE BECOME DISTANT AND ISOLATED STRANGERES.
“Sometimes I feel like a stranger to you.”
What are your thoughts about communicating through text messages? Have you ever had any conversations go in the wrong direction because of the issues I mentioned? Of course, you are free to share your funny/embarrassing texts too! =)
I Have To Stimulate His What? Bunny Rescue Part 2
Baby Peeta with Cousin Carly
In case you missed my post on how I kidnapped a baby bunny, well, I kidnapped a baby bunny. Actually, I rescued it but it feels more like a kidnapping right now. And I can tell that this post is going to take about 3 days to write because I am holding little Peeta Cottontail with one hand and typing with the other. I s’pose I could put him down but he is so damn cute and I am actually feeding him.
He tried to latch on to my finger which was more adorable than baby seals. I am giving him kitten formula from a syringe and he drank about 2cc. My husband told me to give him the boob and while tempting, I just thought that would be a bit perverted. And painful. He has teeth. I refuse to go back to having bleeding nipples like I had when I was nursing my son no matter how cute the bunny is and how fast my clock is ticking and how much I long to nurse just one more time before my boobs shrivel up.
Anyway, I did some research on how to care for orphaned bunnies (or in Peeta’s case, bunnies who are suffering from PTSD after having their siblings stomped on by stupid people) and this site makes it painfully clear that I am a horrible person. It practically yelled at me to either leave the little guy alone or take it to an experienced rehabilitator or it will die. So, I kept it. I know.
After checking the cage today, I noticed that either Peeta is incredibly tidy (OCD does run in our family), or he just isn’t pooping. I went back to the website.
“You must stimulate the baby’s rectum to encourage it to defecate. The mother does this naturally by licking the underside of the babies after feedings.” Um? Okay. I find it a bit odd but maybe my guilt will be relieved if I take proper care of Baby Peeta. But every time I put my tongue near his ass, he ran away. This baby is no dummy!
I read further. There must be an easier (and less disgusting) way! ”Stimulate their bottoms with a warm moist towel after feedings.”
Well, why the fuck didn’t you tell me that to begin with??!!
Bunny Rescue??
My husband: ”Do you want a baby bunny?”
Me: ”Have you fucking met me?!”
Bunny found by my husband’s shop in a nest. Notice his (or her?) leg by the ear…yeah…that’s not good.
Because my husband has allergies and tells me all the time about how I am the crazy cat lady only without cats, surely, he must have been screwing with me. I asked him if he was serious. He said that there is a nest near his shop that got “stepped on.” Two babies are dead and one has a broken leg. One seems fine. He asked me if I wanted them. UM. YES!
I went to the shop and looked at the nest. This was no accident. **CSI at its finest here** First of all, the nest was alongside the building in a bunch of weeds, not out in the open where it could be accidentally stepped on. (Unlike the time my friend’s husband didn’t see the bunny nest in the middle of the yard while mowing. That was horrible). Second of all, the siblings were not “stepped on.” They were STOMPED on as evident by the fact that they were completely flattened and their insides were on their outsides.
I knew what had to be done with the injured one but I am at a loss about the one that is well. I took the injured one to our vet. They have a wildlife rehabilitation center there which is awesome. So, little dude went to the hospital. I got attached to him after just spending 20 minutes with him.
What to do with the sibling? That is the tough decision to make. I want to bring it home and take care of it for a few weeks until it is ready to go on its own. I actually was responsible this time and researched it. This is what I learned:
- Wild baby bunnies are very difficult to care for and should be left in the nest (which no longer exists in this situation) or brought to the humane society. (The vet won’t take the healthy one because it is overrun with bunnies right now).
- If the babies have their eyes open (they do), they don’t NEED a nest and usually can survive on their own.
- The mother is caring for the young if the babies bellies are round and full (they are) and their bodies are warm (they are).
- People often assume a mother has abandoned her babies because the nest is found with just babies and mom is off partying somewhere (whore) but most often, they are not abandoned. Mother bunnies usually do leave the nest during the day and go back to feed the babies at night. (This explains why bunnies are never found guilty of child abuse but could possibly be charged with neglect).
- Most importantly, I have learned that it is always best to leave the babies alone or return lost babies to the nest because the mother WILL come back and call for it and care for it.
EXCEPT!!! The tech at the vet told me if the nest was destroyed, the mother will abandon it and no where in any of the readings did it tell me what to do if the rest of the siblings were senselessly murdered! Will mom go back and care for her one baby after learning that her other babies were killed? Also, there are cats galore around that shop and it is very likely that this little guy will turn into a very exciting cat toy tonight.
UGH! I am sick over this.
We decided to leave it overnight. If it is still there tomorrow, I am taking it home because I really don’t think the mom will want to stay there to raise her only child surrounded by murder.
WELL, decision has been made!! Just after I typed that last sentence, my husband called me to the window. He brought the bunny home. Guess I am going to the pet store tonight. I hope I don’t kill it.
I hope mom gets the psychological support she will need after this traumatic family crisis!
I can’t believe we kidnapped a bunny.
We named him Peeta Cottontail because my kids are Hunger Games fans and well, how could we not? Peeta isn’t sure about his new home yet. Poor thing.
Peeta trying to figure out what the hell glass is and why he can’t just hop, damnit! He really isn’t a killer bunny like he appears. His face is just pressed against the glass.
