It’s Official. I Don’t Have Lupus. I Am A Vampire
I have been doing some thinking and I have come to the conclusion that none of my doctors know what the hell they are talking about. Luckily, I do know a thing or three about medicine. I have decided that I do NOT have Lupus (yayyy!!!). I am a vampire. I always suspected it because the sun is my kryptonite and I used to joke that my next coffee table will be a coffin. But now, I am sure of it. How you ask?
Well, I did some research on the Random Facts website (http://facts.randomhistory.com/2009/05/02_vampires.html). Here are the top 14 reasons that I am a vampire.
#14) A group a vampires has variously been called a clutch, brood, coven, pack, or a clan
I often refer to myself as the “leader of my pack” and my dog totally sees me as such.
#13) Probably the most famous vampire of all time, Count Dracula, quoted Deuteronomy 12:23: “The blood is the life.
I too, have quoted Deuteronomy…just not 12:23
#12) The Muppet vampire, Count von Count from Sesame Street, is based on actual vampire myth. One way to supposedly deter a vampire is to throw seeds (usually mustard) outside a door or place fishing net outside a window. Vampires are compelled to count the seeds or the holes in the net, delaying them until the sun comes up.
The Count was my favorite muppet character!!! I loved him way more than I loved Grover and I want to bash Elmo’s face in.
#11) Documented medical disorders that people accused of being a vampire may have suffered from include haematodipsia, which is a sexual thirst for blood, and hemeralopia or day blindness. Anemia (“bloodlessness”) was often mistaken for a symptom of a vampire attack
I have not developed a sexual thirst for blood (yet. I am a relatively young vampire…only 40) but I am anemic and my doctor always tells me that I need more red blood (cells).
#10) One of the most famous “true vampires” was Countess Elizabeth Bathory (1560-1614) who was accused of biting the flesh of girls while torturing them and bathing in their blood to retain her youthful beauty. She was by all accounts a very attractive woman.
I too try to retain my youthful beauty and I AM by all accounts a very attractive woman. Well, at least by my accounts and my boy dog who has a major Oedipus Complex.
#9) A vampire supposedly has control over the animal world and can turn into a bat, rat, owl, moth, fox, or wolf.
I have within my house or my yard (and I shit you not) 3 dogs, 2 tree frogs, 2 fish in an aquarium, 4 Koi in my pond, a baby bunny, a fox, a woodchuck, skunks, a few chipmunks, squirrels, ducks, deer, birds galore, the occasional wild turkey, and a mangy coyote. I have also had pet mice, hamsters, geckos, a parakeet, a cockateil, and a guinea pig.
#8) Joseph Sheridan Le Fany’s gothic 1872 novella about a female vampire, “Carmilla,” is considered the prototype for female and lesbian vampires and greatly influenced Bram Stoker’s own Dracula. In the story, Carmilla is eventually discovered as a vampire and, true to folklore remedies, she is staked in her blood-filled coffin, beheaded, and cremated.
My middle name is Carmela. Close enough!
#7) After the advent of Christianity, methods of repelling vampires began to include holy water, crucifixes, and Eucharist wafers. These methods were usually not fatal to the vampire, and their effectiveness depended on the belief of the user.
Although I was baptized Catholic, I never received Communion. Additionally, I am not Catholic anymore (independent Christian) and I do not believe the Crucifix is a proper symbol of Christianity.
#6) That sunlight can kill vampires seems to be a modern invention, perhaps started by the U.S. government to scare superstitious guerrillas in the Philippines in the 1950s. While sunlight can be used by vampires to kill other vampires, as in Ann Rice’s popular novel Interview with a Vampire, other vampires such as Lord Ruthven and Varney were able to walk in daylight.
I am able to walk in daylight but too much sun will kill me.
#5) The legend that vampires must sleep in coffins probably arose from reports of gravediggers and morticians who described corpses suddenly sitting up in their graves or coffins. This eerie phenomenon could be caused by the decomposing process.
I sit up suddenly while I am sleeping. Especially if I have to pee or I hear a noise.
#4) Hollywood vampires are typically pale, aristocratic, very old, need their native soil, are supernaturally beautiful, and usually need to be bitten to become a vampire.
I am freakishly pale for an Italian and I don’t tan; I burn. I feel very old, I have lived in the same town my entire life and I am even supernaturally beautiful. Well, I think I am kinda good looking and although my beauty may not be SUPERnatural, it is UNnatural. I had a tummy tuck.
#3) The most popular vampire in children’s fiction in recent years had been Bunnicula, the cute little rabbit that lives a happy existence as a vegetarian vampire.
PEETA???? For those of you who do not know, Peeta is the baby bunny I rescued, raised for 12 days, and I believe is the one living in my front yard now.
#2) A rare disease called porphyria (also called the “vampire” or “Dracula” disease) causes vampire-like symptoms, such as an extreme sensitivity to sunlight and sometimes hairiness. In extreme cases, teeth might be stained reddish brown, and eventually the patient may go mad.
I have extreme sensitivity to sunlight, the hair ON MY HEAD is very thick (even with the occasional bald spots), my teeth are stained a bit…always thought that was coffee but now I know better…and I am ALWAYS going mad. Hence, the Xanax.
And the #1 reason I am a vampire…
I had my fire department physical last night. The woman told me, “Your eyesight sucks but your hearing is incredible. I bet nothing gets past you! I can imagine that even the slightest sounds drive you nuts (YUPPP!!!). YOU HAVE THE EYES AND EARS OF A BAT!”
And now that I want to watch this movie again, you can too!
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- Anno Dracula ~ The Best Vampire Novel In Three Decades? (lilywight.com)
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- Bloodsucker Collection: Twilight, Dracula, True Blood, and The Vampire Diaries (digitalproductsonline.typepad.com)
- Opinion: Death, Sex and Vampires (nytimes.com)
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- ‘Vampire’ corpses found in Bulgaria (thesun.co.uk)
